Look Me in the Eyes

Chapter 9: Am I Weird?

     Teddy eventually stopped shouting curses at the fat man that ran the junkyard, who had long since been left behind, but he cried silently, wiping his eyes with his head bent down as he walked along beside us.
     "We showed him," Vern said, "Thought we were a bunch of pussies."
     "He ranked my old man," Teddy's voice was laced thick with emotion as he spoke. I couldn't understand how Teddy could care so much for his dad, who practically killed him. I hated my father for what he did to Mom, even though he never laid a hand on me. I hated him because I know he hurt Johnny when we left; he hurt him more than he ever hurt Mom. Teddy repeated himself, louder, but still as heartbroken.
     Teddy didn't cry often. At least, that's what Chris told me. Boys around here just didn't cry and that was all there was to it. If you did, you made sure you were alone, because if anyone saw you, they would think you were a pussy.
     We all stopped as Chris laid a hand on Teddy's shoulder. "Why do you care what a fat old pile of shit like him says about your dad?" Chris asked, getting a sniffle in response.
     "He still stormed the beach at Normandy, right?" I questioned. Teddy had told me story after story about his dad, so I already knew the answer.
     He shook his head, looking down, "Forget it," he mumbled as we began to walk again.
     "You think that pile of shit was at Normandy?" Vern spoke up.
     "Just forget it, alright?" Teddy insisted. Vern went on as if he hadn't heard him.
     "He don't know nothing about your old man, he's just dog shit."
     "Whatever is between you and your old man, he can't change that," Chris said. Teddy stopped abruptly.
     "Forget it! Just forget it! Alright?" he shouted. He wiped his eyes started walking again, his head bent down. We were silent for a moment, but the silence was broken when Vern began to sing The Ballad of Paladin. I shot him a look, letting him know that now was not the time for singing. Chris and Gordie seemed just as annoyed with him as I was.
     Teddy stopped walking once more, and we all halted as well. He looked up at us, "I'm sorry if I'm spoiling everybody's good time."
     Chris clasped his hand onto Teddy's shoulder, "It's okay, man. It's okay," he assured his friend.
     "I'm not sure it should be a good time," Gordie suddenly said. We all looked at him.
     "Are you saying you want to go back?" I asked him. I wasn't too keen on seeing Ray Brower's dead body, but we had come a long way, and heading back now would mean that we had wasted our whole afternoon. It wouldn't be long until I had to head back to Caldwell, so I wanted each day to count.
     "No," he told me, "But going to see a dead kid, maybe it shouldn't be a party." I nodded in agreement, understanding now what he meant.
     "Yeah, like if he's really bad, like all cut up with blood and shit all over him. I might have nightmares," Vern worried. I rolled my eyes. I felt bad for the kid, but he had to learn how to shut his trap sometimes.
     "Come on, Vern," Chris started to walk away from the Tessio boy.
     "You know like all guts and eyeballs, ready to jump and grab-" I had had enough.
     "Shut up, Vern, goddammit!" I snapped, raising my voice. I didn't want to think about a mangled dead body.
     "I can't help it," he mumbled. I began to feel bad for yelling at him, so I patted his arm, silently apologizing.

     Teddy and Vern were ahead of the rest of us as we walked, swaying and singing a song. When I heard a loud pop, I realized it was Lollipop by The Chordettes. 
     "Hey I got some Winstons," Chris spoke up, "I hawked them off my old man's dresser. One a piece for after supper."
     "Yeah that's cool," Gordie replied quietly. Something seemed to be bugging him.
     "Yeah," I agreed.
     "That's when a cigarette tastes best," Chris told us, "After supper."
     "Right," Gordie nodded. We were silent until Gordie turned his head to look at Chris and I. I was standing in between them. "Do you guys think I'm weird?"
     I was about to say something sarcastic, but Chris spoke first, "Definitely."
     Gordie wasn't satisfied by that answer to he stopped walking and reached across me, grabbing Chris's arm. "No man, seriously," he stared at each of our faces, "Am I weird?"
     I shrugged and smiled, "Yeah, but so what? Everyone's weird. If we weren't, we'd all be boring."
     He nodded and dropped the subject as we began to walk again.
     "Are you ready for school?" Chris asked Gordie.
     "I don't know," Gordie mumbled, staring at the tracks. I stayed silent.
     I would be leaving at the end of the week for Caldwell so I could have a few days to get ready for school. I hated school. I was good at it, but I still hated it. The teachers chose favourites, and the kids were all pricks. At least, that's how they were to me.
     "Junior High. You know what that means," Chris paused, "By next June we'll all be split up."
     "What are you talking about? Why would that happen?" Gordie questioned. We stopped again.
     "It's not gonna be like grammar school, that's why. Annie will be back in Caldwell, and you'll be taking your college courses. Me, Teddy, and Vern, we'll be in the shop classes with all of the other retards, making ashtrays and bird houses," Chris told us, looking ahead, he turned his gaze to Gordie, "You're gonna meet a lot of new guys. Smart guys."
     "Meet a lot of pussies is what you mean," Gordie shot back.
     "No man, don't say that. Don't even think that," he said, pointing his finger at Gordie.
     "I'm not going in with a bunch of pussies, forget it." Gordie turned away and began to walk, so Chris and I followed his lead.
     "Well then, you an asshole," Chris stated.
     "What's asshole about wanting to be with your friends?" Gordie began to raise his voice. Chris raised his right back.
     "It's asshole if your friends drag you down," he lowered his voice, "You hang with us, you'll just be another wise guy with shit for brains," he took a breath to calm himself down, "I mean, you could be a real writer someday, Gordie."
     "Fuck writing," Gordie said, stopping once more, "I don't want to be a writer; it's stupid. It's a stupid waste of time."
     "That's your dad talking," Chris disagreed.
     "Bullshit."
     "Bull true," Chris retorted, "I know how your dad feels about you. He doesn't give a shit about you. Denny was the one he cared about and don't try to tell me different." He sighed and said softly, "You're just a kid, Gordie."
     "Oh gee, thanks Dad," Gordie thanked sarcastically narrowing his eyes.
     "I wish to hell I was your dad. You wouldn't be going around talking about taking these stupid shop courses if I was," Chris said, "It's like God gave you something, man; all those stories that you can make up. And he said, 'this is what we got for you, kid, try not to lose it'. But kids lose everything unless there's someone there to look after them, and if your parents are too fucked up to do it then maybe I should."
     The three of us were silent as they stared intensely at each other. I looked ahead at Teddy and Vern. They were quite a ways away. Teddy turned around and yelled back to us.
     "Hurry up! By the time we get there, the kid won't even be dead anymore!"
     The subject of school was abandoned as we caught up with them. None of us spoke as we walked, until we reached our biggest obstacle yet; a bridge.