Letters To M'Lady

Letter 1 ~ The Grill Adventure

My dear Lady Crystal,

I am most profoundly overjoyed to have received thy letter. To hear of thy endeavors in pottery brings much amusement to my heart. I was very shocked at hearing of thy endeavors in the archeological dig brought such a momentous find. Imagine, a Tyrannosaurus Rex clutching a flying saucer in its mouth! To say that this discovery will complicate our understanding of the past is truly an understatement. I do understand how such a discovery has caused thy life to become quite hectic. Being hounded by the newspaper reporters while defending against the critics of thy field is not something I envy. In the spirit of trying to match thy letter, allow me to tell thee a tale.

I shall endeavor to tell thee a true story in the hopes it amuses thee, m'Lady Crystal. Perhaps when the tale is done, thou shall find it worthy of thy time.

It began when I was a young man, a struggling mechanic in my twenties. I was with the woman who would become my wife later in life. I drove a small mini pick-up truck, and I had a hobby shop for tinkering with cars and other hobbies. One such hobby project of mine came about when I happened upon a metal barrel. I worked in a metal shop at the time, so fabricating the barrel into something was a very easy feat, thou must understand, m'Lady. My choice was to turn that barrel into a barbecue or a smoker, so from that point on, the decisions of how to do so began.

My coming across a stand for a fuel barrel of a kerosene home heater made my first decision. I would lay the barrel horizontally and make a barbecue/grill. I first cut the barrel across the front, then the sides, then I went up at 60 degrees angle halfway into the sides, before cutting the back side.

You see, m'Lady, I did not wish to have just a barrel cut in half, that would be boring and lack elegance.

I cut an expanded steel grate for the grilling shelf. Then I made a removable bench shelf that would lock into place in front of the barrel, a place to rest my utensils when the lid was closed. I also added hooks on the side to hang said utensils. The idea I had for the removable shelf was that it would go inside the grill during transport.

I had the shelf and stand powder-coated a silver grey to add to its elegance, the barrel itself would be black. I added a handle on the lid for opening, and the sides for ease of carrying, then chain hooks to secure the lid closed.

Finally, I stood back and admired it, but it lacked a smoke stack. I needed something more than just a pipe coming out of it... No, this work of beauty and love needed something special.

I drove to a muffler exhaust shop and had two large pipes bent at a nice 90-degree curve. One end very short, the other end of the elbow long enough to rise up above my labor of love and artistic creation.

One does not wish for smoke in the face during one's cooking, m'Lady. I am sure thou understands.

And thus it was that I welded the pipes onto the back, about three quarters of the way up the barrel. These pipes also gave my lid a rest stop when it was open, one cannot have a lid slam closed on one's hand.

And so it was: it was finished. Silver-grey and black with two shiny aluminum-coated exhaust pipes rising from behind it... It spoke of Grilling Power, and I would be its King.

It was of course a success and the envy of my friends...

And so it was that one day, several weeks before July, my wife-to-be and friends chose to have a cookout to celebrate a national holiday. Well, it was thought that for such an occasion only one location was worthy. A place nearby that is something of a landmark in my area called the SkyWay Bridge.

Now, m'Lady, it is at this point I must tell thee about the SkyWay, for it is a sight. The bridge itself is an interstate highway and spans 22 kilometers, rises up high enough for cruise ships and super tankers to pass under, but there is more to it than just that. The distance from land to land is much greater, thou sees, and so 9 kilometers of soil was laid for the interstate road to rest upon, built at either end. These two strips of land leading to the bridge proper became quite an attraction. Kilometers of ocean front property along the highway, combined with a rest stop, picnic areas, bathrooms and fresh water made it quite popular. So thou can understand, now, why this location was chosen to bring my grill and enjoy the day.

It so happened that upon this much-planned day, that I had to work late fixing a car for a friend. I rushed down to where the mainland ended and the approach to the bridge started proper.

Since I was late, had both food and grill, and I knew how long charcoal takes to be ready for cooking, I decided to stop at a store and purchase the charcoal. There, in the parking lot, I shifted the grill to the back of my truck. It now faced forward with the exhaust pipes up against the tail gate and rising up proudly to be seen. I hastily emptied the accessories, poured in the bag of charcoal, and lit the fire starter brick. Locking the lid closed, I surmised that the charcoal would be ready by the time I got over the bridge.

I hit the highway at speed.

Well, driving over the bridge was uneventful, except nobody drove behind me and people would honk their horns as they passed. On the downside of the bridge, I shifted my rearview mirror to look up higher and there I saw... coming out of the exhaust pipes... one-meter-high blue flames. There was nothing I could do until I got off of the bridge, m'Lady, so I steadfastly continued.

When I got to where I was going, I looked back at the bridge and, drifting away from the bridge, out over the water, were two grey lines of smoke in the contour of the bridge. These lines of smoke were as long as the bridge itself, thou sees, m'Lady, and since it was a calm day, they drifted slowly out over the water. Where they followed the crest of the bridge, they rose up fifteen stories, just as the bridge itself does.

My future wife said she could see me from 12 kilometers away and she just knew it had to be me.

A friend said he was amazed I hadn't melted out the bottom of my truck bed because I had fire so hot, one could have forged metal.

Alas, the charcoal had mostly burned up but, fortunately, I had a second bag, m'Lady.

All in all, it turned out to be a pleasant day.

Sincerely, Sir Raven.

Source: Driving Over The 430 FEET TALL Skyway Bridge! by Cars & Travels ! - REMROB

Source: High wind advisory issued for Sunshine Skyway Bridge by 10 Tampa Bay

Source: The_Fox_and_The_Hound at https://ifunny.co/picture/Iv7jX4gf7

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Credit: Banner photo by Romolo Tavani at AdobeStock.com