Her & her

Her & her & Me

This book is dedicated to the two girls who taught me who I am

To Her

The one who pricked my heart with Her mango fangs

The one with strands of rotten rinds

weaved between Her molars creating the spider web of

fruit flesh through which the flies of death

buzzed

The one who carved a pitchfork from the

barren orchard of Her soul

pierced the hillside of mine so far She embedded 3 foot long splinters in my spine

splinters that I mistook for saplings

The one who uttered syllables She didn't even give me the courtesy to hear from

Her own scarecrow mouth

The one from which the stench of blood oranges covered in the white fuzz of

gossip

came forth

To her

The one who has been beside me since I was three months old

six months earlier if you count when we were in our mother's swollen bellies

The one who has given me a reason to live for over a decade

We see each other two weeks out of 52

The one who with one phone call convinced me to set down the weapons of my own words

sending me down a path I am still learning to traverse without the sharpness inside of me

The one who was the first to tell me that the rainbow quilt stitched into the chambers of my heart

does not

could never

dismantle the scaffolds she has built around my chipped spine

The one who still has no idea of the journey I have been the past year

it's a good thing quarantine happened

it's a good thing we didn't see each other this summer

it's a good thing we haven't seen each other at least two years

The one I will never tell because I am terrified of the ghosts in my heart and how they may attempt to strangle

her

To Her

The one who took an ice pick to my heart

Slabs of still beating muscle falling into the crevasses of my spine

To her

The one who fertilized my heart

Wishing she would still touch my gravel studded roots in winter

To the one who is a pile of fruit rotting from the inside

and

To the one who is the forest that reclaims an erupted mountainside

whose roots break apart ash

reach the fertile soil sealed underneath

Her & her

& Me

This book is dedicated to who I have become

To Me

I wanted everything to end

I tried to die

I swallowed those pills

I slept for 36 hours

I don't remember those three days

To Me

I woke up

To Me

I found that piece She stole

it was hidden in my hair

fell on the wooden floor of my kitchen when I found the confidence to chop it all off

I tried to put that piece back

I found that it no longer matched the hole in my heart

I palmed it back into clay

remolded it to fit

I dyed the pieces of my heart in a mixture of blues and pinks

shadows bleeding into lavender

stitched them back together with silver thread

throwing my orange shroud to the wind

To Me

I know she will not love me back in the same way

not in the way I hear her punch-drunk giggles on the wind

not in the way I praise the pine needle weight of her head resting upon my shoulder

as we watch my little sister rehearse her high school musical

definitely

not in the way I wish she would initiate conversations more even though I know she has a life of her own

I planted iron studded vines around my heart when the girl who made me love sunrises called me her

sister

I now take pride in that honour

that gift

she has bestowed upon me

I love

her

still

To Me

I now know who I am

Because She destroyed me

And she taught me it's okay to love myself

To Me

I am still learning

This is dedicated to

Her &

her &

Me