In The Mind Of A Maker

09|I Wish

I wrote what "I love you" means to me a while back. But now as I look back, that wasn't love.

It was a sense of love dying. Fading.

Truth is..I don't know what it means that much. Not for a significant other or even myself.

But...I know what hate is.

It consumes me everyday when I look in a mirror. It consumes me when I sit in my room alone, the only sounds that of my own self sorrow and a fan in the background.

It feels so hollow but so nauseating. It's dark and cold and it breaks down the steel walls I build around myself from getting hurt by others..which always seems to happen anyways despite my restraints.

People think I don't care. That I'm heartless and God, I wish they were right.

I wish I didn't care. I wish I was heartless. I wish I didn't love those around me so much but never blame them when they hurt me.

Instead I turn on myself. I bottle up more hatred for myself, wondering what I could have done right.

When I start caring about my state, my decisions hurt everyone else but they help me feel a little bit lighter.

The hatred I feel for myself almost seems to double though. I hurt those that are around me unintentionally and when they voice it..it hurts.

I've never been more sure about something in my life than the way I feel for myself.

I wish I could disappear.

Restart my life in someway without feeling like this.

I just hate myself and I wish I could stop.