letters to my dad

07/24/20

This isn't for anything other than me trying to grieve. I will post this in the slight hope that this may help others and let them know that they are not alone.
Pain doesn't play favorites, everyone will feel it.

***

I decided to start to write down all the things I wish I could say, all the things that keep me up at night. It's late and i don't want to turn on the light, so I figure I'll just type it all out for you.

Usually, I push it down so far, that I don't feel it. I don't feel the gaping hole that you left. However, for some awful reason, I feel it tonight.

I feel the way my throat burns with grief at the thought of you, how my eyes water with raw emotion.

I know things weren't good when you left. They were awful, we didn't talk and there was so much hurt between us. I know you loved me even when you said you didn't.

And I hope you know that I never stopped loving you. God I hope you know that.

I'm sorry if this is hard to understand, you know how mixed up and emotional I get. You used to do anything you could to get me to stop crying.

These tears need to happen, I need to feel it to get through it. The past couple of months, I've talked and joked about you like nothing happened.

Like you weren't dead.

But you are.

But you've already missed so much, and my life is just getting started. You've missed my 18th birthday, and my crappy excuse of a graduation.

You missed my first tattoo. I spent years convincing you to go with me once I turned 18.
You finally said yes.

You missed my panic attacks about random things, work, the virus, money. I'm sure you don't mind missing those, however I wish you were there.

You missed my brothers 16th birthday.

You're about to miss me moving into college. You've been waiting for that since I was born. You always told me you know I'd go to college and do better than you ever did.

I wish you could tell me how proud you are.

You've missed watching mom fall apart without you, and all the challenges that has caused.

Sometimes, memories hit my like a hammer to the face.

Like tonight, for some reason while I was trying to sleep, all I could think about was when you'd hold me on the couch and watch tv.

I'd lay my head on your chest and just listen to your heart beat. Everything felt calm, safe, right.

God I would give anything for one last hug.

There is so much I have left to say, so much you have to see me do.

Dad, I miss you.

I'm sorry for how things ended. It was messy and things were said that never should have been.

I don't blame you for anything, you were sick.
I understand.
I just wish you were still here.

You used to do little things like stay up for me when I got off work late. Now the house is dark and quite, mom and brother asleep when I get home. No smile, or late night dinners, no "hey peanut, how was work?"

I miss your awful advice. You always thought telling people to shove it was the answer, you would always fight for me.

I miss those little things. I miss your face.

I can't really remember your voice that much. Or how much taller than me you were.

I hope writing all this down helps, because I feel so heavy.

I love you, dad.

Goodnight.