So, just like this parts title, quite a bit is gonna be left out, but not enough that it won't still make sense. K? Okay.
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First off, I'd like to arrange a point of view here. I'm gonna talk, so to speak, through you. Imagine you're me for a good second. Right, so, I never had a proper relationship. I've had many a-crushes but I (you) was shy. I've always turned to role-playing games for faux, fake, just-cause relationships. They were enough cause I didn't really have the courage to come out or even the inkling of what coming out was. A baby duck swimming in the pond for the first time, thinking my own reflection was the love of my life, a time where anyone else didn't exactly cross my mind.
Then, one day, my make believe partner that I'd gotten keen on deserted me. No, this story isn't about them. It's just a precursor, info that might help for later.
When they left, I cried. I cried for 2 1/2 days. I was heartbroken for what was most likely the first time. They really got me, and we talked well. I don't know. It was the first time I connected with another human. Lol. But after that, I swore I'd forget about relationships, cause I didn't want to feel hurt again. I obviously spoke in angst so it wasn't all that hella serious. I got over it after awhile and continued on. I didn't stay in role play relationships after that though. That one lasted 2 months, and all the others were more like day plays. It wasn't serious. I didn't want serious, I wanted a laugh.
Eventually I stopped role-play relationships all together. It wasn't grand anymore. It had become like a chore, the kind you avoid and want to get rid of.
I wanted something real. Not too real though. I kept it online. On accident I met someone who asked to date me. It wasn't that str8 forward, I'm skipping all the nitty gritties. Anyway, she was great. At first. She made me feel great. Before I use great for everything, all that needs know is she was kinda manipulative. And mean. She'd cover it off with sweet talk and empty apologies. And I kept falling for it. Eventually, I felt something was off. Like, she seemed fake. But I didn't know why. It was like a gut instinct. And when I'd try to talk about it, she'd get angry with me. We broke up a few times.
One break up was cause she essentially threatened me and I got scared. Then again when I suspected she was seeing someone else *note that we were meant to eventually meet up*. Then again when we drifted apart. Through all these break ups, one thing kept consistent. Her lies. She wasn't who she said she was. After some months of drifting apart, she suddenly announced her relationship that started a day after we broke up. What a coincidence. But it was a lie. The person she was with, they had technically been dating for years. But that's not all. After all those months of her saying that she loved me and made me feel cared for, who she claimed to be was fake. The images of her, were not her. I only found out after almost a year from her 'new' relationship announcement and a few months after she announced they had broken up 'again' for good. Spouting a bunch of nonsense but, I was a gullible shmoe. We dated for a month then broke it off for the last time. Awhile later is when she confessed.
She had previously confessed that the name she originally gave was untrue, which wasn't that bad cause not many people give up their true identity right off the bat. So I brushed it off. But this confession was a bit bigger. She had faked her image. Apparently, she thought she could get a good laugh at my expense by faking her identity but felt guilty after we had actually gotten along. In all honesty the real her, I thought was more 'her' anyways. She wasn't hideous, I couldn't understand why she needed a fake image to begin with. But since we had known each other for so long already, and she knew so much about me that I hadn't ever shared to anyone else, I felt I needed her company. So, regrettably I accepted her apologies. But I couldn't shake the feeling of being deceived for so long. I mean, part of me knew that something was being hidden. At some point I gathered that maybe she was a guy in real life. Seriously, I did! I figured at that point though that we could still be friends regardless of that kind of 'secret' alas, it wasn't the case. She was just pulling my chain. There was no identity crisis or anything. Somehow finding out she faked it as a 'joke' had been harder to take...
I felt on edge after that. I wanted to know what else she'd hidden. It was a lot. In conclusion, I had been dating a compulsive liar. A good one at that. Regardless of the holes in the stories, I'd disregard the discrepancies and continue on. Bad, I know. But after confessing a bunch, I asked her if that was everything, and she promised it was...Obviously I should have seen what came next...
Her friend somehow got a hold of me and told me everything. That everything I thought I knew about her, was cold-stone false. She let all the cats out of the bag cause she felt that she owed it to me to know. Honestly, it would have been better if she hadn't. Cause now I couldn't trust her. Not anymore. A part of me wanted to salvage the close bond I thought we once had, but I couldn't have been further from the truth.
When I confessed that I had found out everything, she acted as though she did nothing wrong. She had responded so coldly and unapologetic that I couldn't bring myself to stay. I cared about me too much to continue such a toxic companionship. I hated how I let myself fall for each word. I hated that she didn't care. I hated most of all, that I did. I cut off all contact with her that very day. I closed myself off. But I'm gonna be honest, though I felt great relief of leaving such a bad situation, I also felt extremely betrayed. I wondered if she ever actually cared about me. But of course she couldn't have. How could you treat someone you claimed to care for that way? I had to coach myself to unravel the thought of 'love'. Her love. The words she kept throwing as easily as gloves.
It was maybe too late though. I couldn't shake the betrayal and the lies. What could I do? Could anyone ever even 'like' me let alone 'love' me? She seemed to prove as though the answer had to be nothing but 'no'. Knowing her for 2+ years really had a toll on my mind. As much as I wanted to say, "she had no influence on me, I know I'm worth more than she could ever know". I also knew, she had effected me. More than I could have ever wanted to acknowledge.
My own mother had once admitted she hadn't loved me, and that hurt me enough that I hadn't felt right to say it to her. I felt that " I love you too" to my mom would be meaningless if she had only been lying the whole time. In truth when I asked her if she loved me and then with no reply, if whether she even 'liked' me, the mother I had always sought after whilst she was away on trips and work. Someone I always cared for. Even when she'd hit me I always thought she still cared. But when she said she didn't even like me, how could she love me? And she'd been saying 'love' all that while without meaning it, why then could it not be the same with the one who lied about her entire identity?
Since then, regardless of who, it had been hard to imagine that the people I met liked me. In fact at many times before and after knowing that person, I thought high chances were, that people hadn't. But I kept trying. Cause I didn't want her to influence my being anymore than she had already.
I got into the habit of doubting people. It was as though the me who had easily believed in others had become obsolete. Because I felt so rejected in relationships I began something I didn't expect would happen. I self sabotaged. From being too clingy, to getting angry when I was ignored. *shakes my head* I was literally my worst enemy in any chances of finding a good match. *sigh* It got even to the point where if they complimented me, I'd think it was fake. My mind just couldn't get past the thought that all of it was a joke. Why did I believe this, I have no idea, although I kinda do.
Fast forward, I finally got to terms of my behavior and couldn't stand that I possibly could be standing in my own way. I researched and I discovered. It will probably sound pretty obvious, but the research all came to a solid fact, "if you want others to like/love you, first you gotta like and love yourself". Like, duh right? Well, as they say, easier said. I worked hard though. To love myself. And by golly I think I did it. I can say it to myself now. I really can. I wouldn't have gotten to that self confession without those many attempts. Not just with self affirmation, but the many attempts that threatened my well being. Well, being as not if that kinda makes sense. I fell into a lotta dark places my dudes. I'm as amazed as you are, that I made it this far, far enough to write all this. I mean, don't jump to conclusions, it's not all sunshine and rainbows, or rainy days and cute kittens under an umbrella tucked away in an open box on a Sunday morning. Lol. I still can't see much of a future, I try anyhow. Hehe.
Enough of the sad shiz, can we move on to why we got here? Lol, you probably forgot by now that this is simply a bckstry. Let's get to it babes. Next part? Yessss queen, please!
