the bond that keeps us apart

chapter 3: locker neighbors

felix's pov.

mrs. longwell was still talking about biology stuff that i didn't pay attention to because i kept thinking of jack. i occasionally glanced at him and i started to crush on him more and more. i tried not being obvious but it seemed like there was no one else in the room. all the noise was muffled and all the faces were blurred. all but his. i noticed every move he made, every word he said, every time he raised his hand to add something to the class and make it more fun. he was definitely a class clown, but i felt like he was hiding something. i don't know what this something was, but something didn't quite sit right with me. not about him, of course, everything about him was the definition of the word perfect, it's just my intuition was telling me he wasn't being his true self. i kept smiling at the thought of him hugging me or kissing me, but i knew it would never happen. i had so many mixed emotions. i was getting lost in my own thoughts and i didn't hear a word from the teacher in the entire class, even though she kept asking for me to pay attention. then a loud noise snapped me out of my daydream. it was the first, or well, second bell of the day. i put my notebook away as well as the pencil i was using and i asked my teacher for my locker number, since that's what the introduction e-mail said i had to do. "its 432" she said with a friendly grin. "thanks mrs, have a great day" i said smiling and i went to look for it. the halls were crowded and i could barely see the numbers the lockers had. i heard that raspy voice once again and i felt chills all over my body. "what's up felix? do u need help finding your locker?". i turned around. 'jack'. i looked into his eyes and everything went quiet for a second. it felt as if everything were in slow motion. i was so intimidated but also felt so safe around him. i snapped out of this weird daydreaming i keep having again and answered his question, hoping that no one, specially him, noticed how in love with him i was. "hey jack! uhh yeah i'm trying to find it... its 432 i thi-" "DUDE NO WAY! my locker is 433! come on, its over here". i usually hate when people interrupted me, but he was different. i smiled when he did. 'this is a good way to become closer, we can talk during the five minute breaks and become better friends'. i followed him to his locker and he pointed to the one that didn't have a lock. i put some books in it and locked it. "i like your lock, it looks pretty new" he said. "yeah, i got it in the airport back in sweden right before heading to here." i responded.

jack's pov.

"damn, you're swedish?" i responded to his remark. "i thought i mentioned it when i presented myself" he said and giggled. 'shit. great sean, now he knows you weren't paying attention to his words but to his pretty blue eyes. stop acting like this. you can't be fucking gay.' "oh right! sorry, i just.. i guess i didn't pay attention to that part" i said, embarrassed. "its alright. which class do you have next?" he asked.
j- "i have maths in classroom 26, what about you?"
f- "ahh shit, i have language arts in classroom 12"
j- "its okay, you can sit with me at lunch today if you want by the way, i know being a new kid from another country is hard. i come from ireland, even though i've lived here for about 11 years now."
f- "ooo, an irishman i see"
i chuckled. i liked his sense of humor.
j- "more like an irish boy heh, im still not quite there yet. one more year for me to become an adult"
the bell rang. i rushed to my classroom and he went to his. 'i like him. i really fucking like him. maybe i'm not straight after all. i hate this, i can't be gay. i have nothing against gay people i just... i wish i didn't like men.' well. i just admitted to myself that i like men. i was about to have a breakdown. maths is my least favorite subject too, and mr. wilson wasn't my favorite teacher in the world either. i wanted to cry so bad. i hated myself. i felt a knot in my throat. everything seemed miserable. i didn't want to be gay. 'okay, sean. you.. like men.. BUT that doesn't mean you're gay, right? maybe you're just, bi. yes, that's it. bi with a female preference. there's no need to tell anyone.' i told myself. i knew something wasn't right. deep down i knew i didn't like women, not a single bit. but i wasn't ready to admit that to myself. i didn't even notice when or how but i got to my classroom. it was as if my body was driving itself, it wasn't me who controlled it. it felt the same with my sexuality. i hated not being able to control who i like and who i don't. 'i wish i was.. normal...'