Healing for Survivors

Warnings: smut, fluff, angst, mentions of sexual assault and trafficking, mentions of self harm, divorce

Summary: After getting out of the Army you go back to acting. You’ve been asked to film a sex scene with Sam on Supernatural. This on film passion leads into an off screen flame between Jared and you. 

Author’s note: This work is purely fictional. Any hate toward Gen and Jared irl will not be tolerated 

*****

Today is the day. You've come in to work a little earlier than expected because you know makeup will take longer today. Your makeup artist doesn't realize how many scars she needs to cover this time as opposed to last month. All you want for today is to just get through your scene without your personal shit slowing things down. Sitting down in the makeup chair, you look in the mirror and wonder why the hell you agreed to this.
"Why me?" You thought. When you read the script, your hands shook and your heart was racing but you were too scared, too self-destructively humble, to speak up about what doing this scene might end in - tears. And not the kind for the screen, the beautiful kind meant to invoke emotion, but the ugly, uncontrollable kind you have no choice but to run from. Sighing, you realized it was too late to worry, whatever happens, happens and luckily after this you will never see these people again.

***

"Clear the set!" Your director, Jensen, called. Of course it had to be him directing this episode. It made it all the more stressful.
It's time. Jared stood beside you, ready and relaxed. Just another day at work for him. Hands shaking you dove into your fear head first and dropped your robe. The makeup artist did a good job, you knew. The camera would never see your scars. No one would but those left on set standing closest would end up seeing. You walked slowly and carefully to the hotel style bed, still shaking, getting a little dizzy. You thought you swayed for a moment but you caught yourself. No one noticed.
Just then, Jared caught your arm.
"Are you okay?" He asked
"Oh, yeah I'm fine just uh... let's get this over with okay?" Your eyes darted to the ground as you spoke, pulling away from him unconsciously.
"You don't seem okay with this, (Y/N)." He responded, gesturing between the two of you.
*Damn him, why did he have to be so perceptive and keep asking questions?* You thought to yourself knowing full well that, if people started asking the right questions, you would end up sharing your story, a story that you felt was so bad no one should hear, and then just be the pity case.
After a pause you responded, "I'm here, aren't I?" Hoping, praying really, that he would leave it be.
Alas, no such luck as he said, "Did anyone ask you if this was okay before you came here today?"
"Of course," you replied almost a little too quickly, to which he gave you a look that he didn't believe you or that you would have told the truth had you been asked. At this point, you had been standing there for what felt like forever. "Can we please just get on with this? I don't want to cause trouble or make this take any longer than we are blocked out for."
He looked at Jensen, who gave him a nod, being the supportive friend as always.
"Okay, but you tell me if we need to stop or take a moment." He said with a resigned sigh. You just nodded and slid onto the bed. As he sat down next to you, you felt the world sway again. Again you regret your decision to go through with this. You weren't ready.
"Quiet on set. Rolling. Action." Was all said in a blur. You knew your character well, you knew your lines and blocking like second nature and that was what got you through but Jared had no intention of easing up on his concern for you. He was supposed to be Sam now, but for once you could see Jared shining brightly through.
He raised his hand to cup your face and search your eyes. It felt as if he was boring into your soul. He moved to run his hand through your hair and you could tell he was trying to comfort you. None of this was scripted. Finally he returned to what actually was in the script and leaned in to kiss you. It was a gentle, comforting kiss that you were surprised to find yourself melting into. It wrapped around you like a light summer breeze. You were still shaking but you could feel yourself slowly calm.
Breaking the kiss, he moved to your ear to whisper, "Is this okay?"
Again with going off script! You simply nodded imperceptibly as he had pulled back to peer into your eyes again. He leaned back into the kiss, easing you down onto your back from where you had been propped up on your elbow. Still you were finding yourself surprised how at ease you had become, your panic slowly ebbing away. He moved on top of you and his kisses began to trail down to your neck. As he pressed into your neck those compassionate kisses, a sliver of fear returned. Before you knew it, he had lowered his left hand from your face to your neck, his thumb gently pushing up your jawbone to give him more access. Feeling his hand on your neck, your breath caught. It took everything you had to not throw him off of you and run. He noticed. Damn it, of course he noticed. He paused and pulled away completely, ruining the take. You grew angry.
"Why did you stop the take?" You asked, carefully leveling your voice.
Looking surprised he said, "you froze, (Y/N)." As if this was so utterly obvious.
"I- what? I was just- I'm fine!" Your voice rising in volume slightly towards the end. "Why can't we just get this scene over with?" You practically begged.
"(Y/N)," he started, beginning to become frustrated himself, "you are very clearly not fine. What scared you?"
It took a moment for you to even open your mouth and when you did you said simply, "your hand..." trailing off like you might say something else but being stopped by a tear sliding down your face. You quickly blot it away but everyone had seen. Everyone had seen all of it. The exchange between the two of you, the tear, everything.
"We need a break!" Jared called to Jensen and the crew, rising to fetch your robe. When he came back, he helped you into it and wrapped himself in a robe as well. It was a small comfort, him helping you, in a sea of the numbness you now felt. You let him put his arm around your shoulder and lead you away to a more private place where you could talk. You broke from him and perched against a table, looking down. You knew he was staring but now you were numb. Too empty to care.
He stood in front of you, lifting your chin, careful not to brush your neck, and saying, "what happened?"
You knew what he meant. You knew he wasn't talking about just now, he was asking about your past. You didn't want to have this conversation, yet here you were and you knew the fastest way to be done with this little break was to just put it out there.
"When I was in the army, I was sex trafficked by a battle buddy that I thought was my best friend. He kept me for his personal use for two months before I finally broke free." You still weren't looking into his eyes. You just couldn't.
"Oh shit." He said, horrified and dropping his hand. You’d expected it, but you didn’t expect the slight sense of loss when his hand came away.
He didn't say anything else for a few minutes. It could have only been a few seconds, you really didn't know anymore. Hopefully you hadn't hurt him with the truth. Something made you look up though and just then you saw a change in him. He pulled you into a fierce, protective hug.
*Well, at least he hasn't offered to hurt anyone yet,* you thought.
"I'm sorry." You said after some languid moments.
This made him pull back from the hug, hands on your upper arms. "What on earth are you apologizing for?"
"I didn't want to cause trouble or heartache. My story isn't exactly one that is relatively normal or easy to hear. I keep it to myself. I know just hearing it hurts people deeply." Finally meeting his eyes confidently. "I haven't done anything like this," you motioned to your robed bodies, "since."
"Oh. Oh my God." It was all he could say as a fire lit in his eyes. Determination. "I'm going to go talk to Jensen. We don't have to do this." He started to walk off but you caught his wrist in your hand..
"No! Please, I just want to go back in there and do this scene so I can go cuddle my dog and read a good book." You said, maybe a little too desperately.
"Why? Why are you so determined to do this scene?" He shot back.
"Because I'm done. I am done letting what happened to me control my life! This is the script I was given and I'm damn well going to follow through." A fire stirring within yourself as well. At this, you saw him soften again.
"Okay." He gave in. "But on one condition. We stop and break after each take."
You looked at him, simply offering a nod in agreement then asking, "now can we get back to it?"
"Only if you're ready. Truly ready. Don't lie." He was stern.
"I am. I'm ready." You put on your best face, still not willing to admit to yourself that until he had put his hand on your neck, you were more okay than you had been with contact since everything happening.
Hugging you once again, he offered, "after you." And you two walked back together.
Arriving back, Jared offered to Jensen,
"We're good to go but we need a break after each take." It was hard to hear him say that to someone else but you took what you could get. Silently you reset yourself in the bed, propped on your elbow facing him. Something seemed different in him now though. Jared wasn't just shining through his Sam face, he was fully there. Fully attentive to your every breath and move.
Once again Jensen called for quiet and shortly after for action. Jared leaned back in to kiss you, once again going through the motions but much more fiercely this time. He was protective and determined. Possibly just as determined as you were. Lowering you to your back you felt yourself at ease even more so than you had before.
*This time he at least knows not to touch my neck,* you thought as he presses his kisses to your jaw, then to the side of your neck and lower into the nape of your shoulder. His hand grasping your other shoulder. As things progressed in the scene with him asking quietly if you were okay at each new development, you found yourself becoming oddly more than okay again. You hadn't felt this way since. In fact, your ex husband left you because you couldn't feel this way.
Jared was gentle, yet fierce. He was drinking you in wholly, in as much as he could for still being on camera and still having direction to follow from his best friend. This wasn't your first ever sex scene in the acting world but it was definitely your first like this. Last time you did one of these scenes it was all very professional and simply acting but you knew this wasn't. Jared had something to show you, something to prove. It was as if he was trying to show you how wonderful sex could be again, show you how gentle it could be, how meaningful, even. It was like it was his personal mission.
You didn't know how to feel about how okay with all of this you were after opening up to him. Hell, you actually enjoyed it and maybe even wanted more.
Before you both knew it, the scene had played out. You lay next to one another at this point, both struggling to regain yourselves, gazing at one another.
"Cut!" Jensen yelled, startling you both out of your reverie. "You can take your break now, guys. That was great so we just need to check the block on the next take and that is all."
You were surprised to hear that. Things like that almost never happened. The director usually had a comment or two, something he wanted different here or there. You stood, grabbed your robe and headed for water. As you did, Jared started to follow but was stopped by Jensen.
"What the fuck was that?" You heard him say. Now you were both confused and curious.
"What was what, man?" Was Jared's simple response.
"You KNOW what. You. And her. That was... real."
"Come on, don't make a big deal about this."
By this time you were sipping water, standing just at the edge of earshot.
"It is a big deal! What about your wife?!" Jensen said.
You froze again. What? He was still married? Their separation hit the tabloids months ago.
"Nevermind that. I will deal with it." And with that, Jared walked over to you, took your water glass, setting it down, and laced his fingers through yours to lead you away. He walked you off set and led you to his trailer. Suddenly making you much more conscious of your state of undress.
"Look, what happened back there, I really will handle it. My wife won't like it, but everyone knows she and I are at the end of the line anyway. I sincerely hope everything that happened in the scene was okay." Jared left the last statement open, hanging. Waiting.
"It was," you hesitated, "it was okay. More than okay." You finished shyly. After a moment of no rejection you added, "I haven't felt that way in so long. Loved, cared for, worth something. And... safe."
"I'm glad but," now it is him that is hesitant and nervous, "I want to show you what it is really like, to be loved I mean."
You blushed and blanched at the same time. 
*”Why would he want to show that to me?”* you thought. 
Somehow knowing, he said, "you..." he broke off, seemingly at a loss for words, "are so beautiful and you have this fire inside you that the world deserves to see, but more importantly, it's a flame you deserve to have relit in you." He was staring deeply into your eyes as he said this, gently cupping your face. When he finished, you saw a glitter in his eyes and he quickly pulled you into a tight, fierce hug. After a moment you felt the tear drops that had rolled down his face and neck reach where your head rested against his chest.
You didn't want the pity but the part of you that knew Jared second hand knew that he wasn't crying for you, but with you and because of the pain he felt at how terrible the world could be, knowing you aren't alone in what has happened to you. Pulling back slightly and grabbing his hand you sat him down on his couch and cuddled up against him, letting him wrap his arms around you and nuzzling your head into the crook of his neck. You knew he needed to just feel, to think about the gravity of it all, so you let him. You had already grieved for your past self and for the countless others who had or will experience the same pain you had so you felt no need to cry with him.
After a while, he settled. When you noticed, you looked up, looking into his eyes and simply said, "I know..." you wiped away his tears and ran your hand through his hair, eventually dropping to cradle his neck, thumb tracing his jawline, wanting to bring him comfort as well. It helped you to have to be the strong one, the one to turn it all off and give someone else emotional first aid. Your eyes dropped to the space between his collar bones as you lost yourself in thought about the past. Not about what happened to you, but about the best friend you've ever had. You two never would have been so close had you not gone through what you did. She had also met hard times in her life and been through sexual assault. The give and take you two had was constant. Always one being strong for the other just when they needed the other most. That could never be again. She was gone, but you still took comfort in this small moment of being able to be someone else's rock, even if just for a little while.
Coming back to the here and now, you refocused on Jared. How come he made you feel so damn safe? You still sat in your plush robes, yet not a drop of fear was running through you. At some point while you had thought all of this, your eyes met his again and had been searching. For what, you didn't know. When you realized how at ease you were, he seemed to have noticed the change in you. His compassion was slowly replaced by a hunger. Not the kind of possessive, objectifying hunger that made you want to run, but the gentle and genuine hunger that you couldn't help but lean in to.
He opened his mouth to speak but before he could, you simply nodded your head and he took you in his hands and pulled you into a deep, passionate kiss. You lost yourself in that kiss. Your hands began to wander down to the edge of his robe, tracing the line down his chest and back up again. You toyed with his exposed skin and eventually slid your hand beneath, running your hand across his chest and over to his shoulder, feeling every defined muscle. At that moment he pulled back and looked deep into your eyes, his own hand beginning to wander to the edge of your robe. In response you simply tugged at the edge and guided his hand inside, just below your collarbone so as to let him explore your body in his own due time. He took the invitation in stride, kissing you again and letting his hand slowly drop to your chest, feeling every curve of your breasts, savoring your body. You reached both hands up to his robe and opened it enough to pull down around his shoulders so you could feel his skin against yours. Everything in the world seemed right at that moment. The two of you, so in sync. He picked you up, still lost in your kisses, and wrapped your legs around his waist as he walked to the bed. He laid you down so gently and let his kisses move down to your neck and to the exposed skin between your breasts from where your robe had fallen more open. Deciding to invite him to keep exploring, you untied the loose knot on the string that had held your robe together, letting it fall completely open. You watched as he took in every inch of you as if to memorize it. The hunger still in his eyes. You pulled him back in to kiss you and feel his hands explore you. His hands gently ran down your body, stopping at your waist to pull you in even closer to him. His grip was firm and you found yourself savoring it. As he pulled you into him, he pushed his hips against yours, wanting. You trailed your foot up his leg and wrapped your leg around his waist. Before he could realize what you were doing, you swept his arm from underneath him and flipped him over onto his back. You saw the excitement build in his eyes and, hips still close, felt just how much he liked having you take control. You teased him as you straddled him, grinding your hips against his as you bit his ear. But then, you suddenly stood up, pulling him up with you. Pulling at the knot on his robe, you pushed it open to fall to the floor. It was nothing you hadn't seen earlier but this time, there was something very much different about it. You guided him back down to the bed and got back on top of him and pulled him into another hungry kiss. Soon your kisses trailed down his body to meet with the waistband of his nude boxer briefs. You bit onto the waistband and pulled it down just enough to expose more of him, but not all. Not yet. You reached to hold the waistband in place as you slowly trailed kisses closer to where he wanted you most. Kisses turned into your tongue tracing inward. He arched his back and tore off the briefs, giving you full view to him in all of his enthralled glory. You looked up at him and saw the pleading in his eyes. Seeing him want you so badly left you wanting more as well. Now, with full access, you began to tease him even more intensely. Kissing and licking everywhere but his inspired manhood. Until finally, you lightly licked from the base of his shaft all the way to the tip. A soft groan escaped his lips and he put a hand in your hair, begging for more. After just enough teasing you gripped his length with one hand, his hip with the other, and took as much of him into your mouth as you could. This time, his moan was so exquisite it couldn't help but to add to the glistening of your arousal even more than before. To hear a man react like that to you, a man you wanted and who wanted you for you, was a sensation you could have happily drowned in. You continued to please him with your hand on his length and your tongue and lips focusing on his sweet spot. He was steadily building toward his release. Just when it nearly became too much, he took your hand and pulled you up to straddle him, kissing you hungrily. It was his turn to flip you over onto your back. After doing so he took a moment to admire you, that hunger and passion never wavering.
"Do you want me?" He asked as he slid his hand down your body.
Just as he reached between your legs you gasped out, "yes. Oh god, yes." And that was all he needed. He quickly and effortlessly relieved you of your underwear, teasing you as he did. Getting back on top of you, he guided himself into you, your core swelling from him filling you up. He looked deep into your eyes as you let out a moan together once he was all the way inside you. This was how he took you, your bodies coming together in unison like perfectly cut puzzle pieces finally being rejoined. He kissed you so passionately as you moved together, his kisses and hands wandering every so often to your jaw, your breasts, and your ear. The pleasure he gave you was nearly unbearable. You felt like a whole new woman. He had you as though you were air and without you he would surely die. Somehow simultaneously hard and gentle, desperate and caring. You arched your back into him in pleasure and he took the opportunity to reach his hand to the small of your back so he could hold you as close as he could, both of you wanting nothing more than to be as close as possible. He also grasped one of your hands, moving it beside your head and lacing his fingers with yours. By his grip on your hand and back you could tell he was enjoying this just as much as you were. The feeling of the two of you moving together was absolutely divine. You felt yourself building in intensity, edging closer and closer to exploding in ecstasy. The closer you were, the harder you grasped his hand, crying out in delight. Finally you let yourself release, tightening around him so intensely he couldn't hold back anymore either. The feeling of him filling you added on to your own orgasm ten fold. And my god his moans. You knew the sound would never leave you, it was simply too wonderful.
As you both began to come down from the height of your pleasure, he slowed to a stop, kissing you much gentler now. Finally he pulled away to stroke your hair and look into your eyes. You felt like losing yourself in those eyes right then. He broke away completely and rose to fetch warm wash cloths.
"Would you like to join me in the shower?" He posed.
"Sure," you watched as he turned, still naked and sauntered toward the shower, rising to follow him.
Once in the shower, he was all gentleness. The two of you stood in the warm water, cleansing your bodies distractedly as you kept coming together for more kisses and languid gazes at one another. You never wanted this to end but somewhere deep in the back of your mind you knew the day was far from over. 
Finished cleaning up, you were laying together now, cuddling close. Just silently enjoying each other's company. You found yourself genuinely relaxed for the first time in so long. So relaxed that you didn't even care how mad makeup would be when they have to redo everything because you showered. You both showered. Now you did groan. Everyone would know. So much for keeping your head down today and getting through it as painlessly as possible. 
*May as well just face it head on, then.* you thought. 
“Should we get back?” you asked.
“Only if you're ready.” 
“I could lay here forever but we both know we have work left to do today.” trailing off you hoped in the back of your mind you could keep lounging about together.
He gazed into your eyes, always searching. “Me too,” he stated simply. With a sigh you knew if you didn't force yourself up right then you really would blow off the rest of the day and sat up.
“Let's get this over with,” you said as you continued to get up, searching for your meager clothing. Standing behind you as you held your underwear, he put a hand on your shoulder and turned you to say,
“You aren't alone. I will be right there. We will face this together, okay?” He was so gentle and compassionate when he spoke. It made your heart melt. With a soft smile and a nod you went back to dressing yourself and readied yourself to hear the tirade from makeup.