real | tratie

| iii. the end of all things |

p o v : k a t i e .

p l a y l i s t .
₀:₃₀◦──o───────◦ ₃:₁₅
▹burned out : dodie 
▹no light, no light - mtv unplugged, 2012 : florence + the machine
▹the end of all things : panic! at the disco

。。。

If you looked in a mirror and saw someone you didn't know, how would you react? 

Would you realize the progress that reflection had made since you'd last seen it, see how much it had grown? Or would you be scared because you didn't recognize the face staring back at you?

I fell somewhere in between as I prepared myself to leave the Demeter cabin for the last time that year.

The girl looking me in the eyes was somewhat familiar. Her hair was in double french braids and her skin was sunburned from picking strawberries, and that was a normal comfort. But what else I saw in the mirror was a girl who'd worked so hard to stitch herself back together, to ground herself in an unconstrained territory, and was now being ripped to shreds. 

I'd changed so much in the past year or so. I had tried tirelessly to be in a state of mental well-being, and to open my heart to people. Natalie had told me I looked happier, not just because I was with Travis but because I was more with myself. I trusted myself to talk about my feelings, I trusted myself to trust others. 

Now, I doubted everything. 

I wouldn't be back in my cabin until next June. That was eight months away. Eight long, miserable months of not recognizing my reflection, eight months of fearing that I'd lose my familiar face for good. 

Travis had left earlier that morning, after an attempt of comforting me. In reality, it made me miss him more than I already anticipated. I hadn't even left yet. 

I'd fought so hard, and now everything slipped from my grasp as if I hadn't tried at all.

The only consolation I had was that I wasn't a huge target for attacks. Monsters didn't find me as easily as a child of the Big Three, and I'd only truly ever experienced one fight in my regular life. The reason I'd become a full-time camper was that my anxiety peaked when I was in school, and it got even worse as time went on. I'd signed myself up and committed to the idea of never going home. 

My home was at camp.

"You ready?" Miranda poked her head in our room, where my bed was now stripped of its sheets. In their place now resided my bags, calling me to the swift change. 

I sat next to my duffle, shaking my head. "You really have to ask?"

Her face softened as she joined me on my empty mattress. She didn't say anything, but she slung an arm over my shoulder and hugged me briefly. 

I was going to miss her. 

"You'll make it through this," she murmured, moving to look me in the eyes. 

I shrugged. "I guess."

"And it's only a school year. You've been through eleven of them, how could this one be any different?"

That wasn't the most comforting thing she could've told me, but I smiled as if it was. 

I'd be doing a lot of fake smiling within the next year. 

Natalie, Annabeth, and Piper sat with us at lunch. Chiron turned a blind eye, most likely due to my miserable appearance and Natalie's threatening plea. I pulled myself deeper into my hoodie - rather, the first hoodie of Travis' that he'd given me - and listened to their conversation.