Too Late

Death; her guardian angel

*Trigger warning*

The subject matter might be triggering for some readers. Read at your own risk.

I used to be scared of him, yet I let him come close to me. His touch would make me shiver but in a good way. I wanted to hold him just a little more and never let go. I wanted to feel his lips all over me for that one last time. I wanted to listen to his breathing, his heartbeat near me. I wanted to see the dark look in his eyes whenever he got sensual with me, just for that one last time.

I was intimidated by his aura and yet I wanted him so bad, it was pathetic. I let him come closer to me and let myself get used.

The passion and the burning desire made it so hard for me to push him away.

That was the one thing he knew and he never failed to take advantage of it. And just like that, he so easily walked away and stomped on my heart, crushing it into a gooey mess, shattering it into a million pieces. I hated myself every moment after that for being too "easy" to him. He had me without any inhibitions. He had my heart in the palm of his hand and he made use of that power solely to hurt me and hurt me only.

Did he never see how much I loved him?

Did he never see how much I wanted him to be there?

Did he not have any ounce of mercy left to stop inflicting emotional and physical pain to my already bruised heart?

From then onwards, I started feeling like a complete loser and hated myself for letting him walk all over me.

Was that what love felt like? A plethora of numbness and agony?

If so, then I'd never ever want to fall in love ever again. I had become so exhausted and tired of feeling the numbness all over my body. I had become so tired of feeling the pricks sent to my heart whenever I recalled his cruel words.

I had become so bashed and worn out.

I still remain so worn out.

That was why I had considered death easier than the daily torture of heartbreak I had to go through and the daily reliving of the memories of pain.

Maybe if I die today, then I can live peacefully in hell without having to bother anyone.

It was my first love and my first heartache and I felt so weak for not being able to bear it anymore.

The more I thought about him, the more I detested myself.

Why did I even let him into my life?

Why was it always me stuck in the middle of relationships where people didn't want me?

I am so tired of the unrequited feelings. I am so tired of being oppressed. I am so tired of being unwanted all the goddamn time. I am so tired of being misunderstood and being left alone.

Did you make no one for me in this world, God?

Did you bring me into this world only to suffer?

Is there not a single soul in this world who would see me, understand me and come to know that I am not the villain people always make me out to be?

At that moment, when I thought about all of this, I wanted the physical pain to consume my whole being and relieve me of the hollowness of my soul. And I'd rather happily die of the physical torture than die of a broken heart and an empty and hopeless soul.

I smiled inwardly at my wish being granted when the sound of beeps greeted my ears. I could sense the panic and hurry around me. But all I ever wanted in that moment was for the physical pain to increase to the point where my thoughts and heartache would be overshadowed by numbness.

My eyes could make out figures and the pitiful smiles sent my way which only added fuel to my anger.

Why now?

Where were the hopes when I needed them? Where were the smiles and support when I yearned for them? Kept shouting and asking for help?

Where was my guardian angel lost then?

I closed my eyes trying to feel more pain as it slowly increased in intensity. I could feel my life slipping away from my fingers. I could feel the weight of unconsciousness and black dots taking over my senses and to be honest, I was more than ready to let this life go.

Hell would be better than this.

I refused to replay any memories. I didn't want the dream sequence of my horrible life to be played before my wary eyes. At least, I deserve a peaceful goodbye without having to look back at the hurt.

I felt my body being shifted and the broken bones aching beyond the boundaries of my tolerance. I accepted all of it with a warm welcome because it seemed more easy that the constant traumas my life threw at me.

The pain got unbearable as I felt my blood oozing out uncontrollably.

I could feel hands pressing on different wounds on my body to let it stop which only made me wonder if they were able to stop the physical flow then would they be able to take away the emotional overflow of the heartache as well?

My heart was beating so slow that I barely felt anything, I was turning cold and gasping for air.

My hazy vision replaced the sight in front of me with an empty room where the only people present were me and a looming dark aura of smoke and wraith.

And I knew then and there that it was the angel of death. I could make out the hollow smile sent my way and I knew that my time had come. I was to bid farewell now.

The scene shifted again as beep monitor greeted my ears making crazy sounds... and that was the very last of the sound I heard before I closed my eyes and let myself slip into the illuminating endless abyss ready to be in the arms of death angel.

Yes, much ironic as it sounds, death to me is no less than an angel. My guardian angel never did his job, at least I could let death be my guardian in the moments of finality.

I felt myself letting go of the life that I had always held against my will.

This was it.

Everything stopped, I felt nothing and the sand of life slipped between my fingers as I descended into the arms of roaring and wildly untamed oblivion.

Good-bye world...