Everything She Saw

Because It Is Bitter, and Because It Is My Heart

"What did you want to talk about?" Edward asked, handing me a glass of wine.

"Everything. My life's such a mess right now. But then, I guess it kind of always has been," I said as I accepted the glass, though I didn't drink.

"Your life has always been a mess?" Edward asked, his eyebrow cocked. He sat beside me, a wineglass in his own hand.

"Believe it or not, yes. Even before I came to this city, I had my fair share of problems," I paused for a moment. "Well, there was a window of a few years when I was in college. Things were alright then."

"Is that why you and Dr. Crane got on so well?"

"Probably," I said without asking myself why Edward would ask that question. I didn't ask myself how he might have known Jonathan had plenty of problems of his own.

"Yes, well, while I have always been perfect, the case with my life hasn't been so, either," Edward said. I couldn't help but laugh quietly, but not at him. I had been wondering how long it would take before Edward's narcissism showed through.

"What do you mean?" I asked. I finally took a sip from the glass.

"A mother who abandoned me when I was a child and a father who abused me," he said simply. He sounded like he didn't care. I think he did care, though. More than he let on. And I didn't miss the parallels it had with my own childhood.

"That's. . . exactly me," I told him. It was exactly like my childhood. Edward didn't seem as surprised as I was. He only nodded. I got the sense he didn't want to talk about it anymore.

"Hugo Strange wants to meet with me," I said, changing the subject. Edward's eyebrow rose again.

"He knows about you?" he asked, sounding surprised.

"He must, or someone told him about me. I'll be speaking with him on Monday."

"Are you nervous?"

"Of course I am. After what I've heard about him, I'd be stupid to not be wary," I answered, this time taking a long drink. Edward got closer and put an arm around my shoulder.

"Is that what you wanted to talk about?" he asked. "Strange?"

"Partly. The other thing was Sam. . ." It wasn't just Sam, I remembered. Katie had mentioned Edward, as well.

"Your friend Sam?"

"Yeah. I've heard he might know something about Arkham."

"And I suppose you became upset because he is your friend and you don't want to imagine him having any part of this problem," Edward said.

"Exactly. I don't want to, but I can't help but be cautious of him, based on some of the things he said and done. I'm even wary of Zoey. Those two are my best friends. I shouldn't think that they would have any part in something so terrible," I explained. Edward hummed. His fingers tapped lightly on his knee. I waited for an answer. Anything to keep me grounded.

He kept quiet.

"I was told you know more than you're telling me, too," I said before I could talk myself out of saying it. His fingers stopped moving. "Please tell me they were lying. Tell me you don't know anything."

"You think I'm lying to you?" he asked instead.

"I think everyone is lying to me."

"You think everyone is lying to you?"

"Yes. And I hate that I feel this way," I said quietly. The wine was gone in the next swallow. "Promise me you're not lying to me, Edward."

"That's a heavy commitment."

"It shouldn't be."

"But it is for many. However, I promise you that I have nothing to do with this scheme." He paused. "I would say I swear to God, but that wouldn't hold much meaning for you, I take it."

"I'd respect it if you actually believed in God, but I know very well you don't, Edward Nigma."

I suddenly realized how late it was getting. Nearly 12:30 P.M. late.

"I should be going. Thank you for talking to me. I feel, not exactly better, but-"

"Validated," he interrupted.

"Yeah. Yeah, that's a good word," I agreed. It was quiet as I started getting ready to leave.

"You could stay," Edward said quickly. "You were drinking. You shouldn't be driving."

"One glass of wine won't impair me. I'm fine. I can always get a cab, too."

"You'd be safer staying here."

It was clear Edward wasn't concerned about the alcohol, though he was right about it being dangerous, especially this late. He wanted me to stay just because he did. I had known Edward long enough that the answer should have been simple. It should have been an easy yes. Yet there was hesitation, all because of a similar situation: the first time Jonathan had asked me to stay.

I should have been over him. There was no reason to still be thinking about Jonathan Crane, yet he somehow continued to dictate parts of my life. Why was he still a constant presence when he wasn't even there? Almost every hesitation was because of him. Why could I not stop thinking about a cold, calculated voice, lanky limbs, and bright blue eyes? Why could I not-

"Amber? Are you alright?" Edward asked.

"I think it's best I leave. I'm sorry, Edward."

What was wrong with me? Edward didn't deserve this. Not me, whose thoughts were plagued by another man. How was I meant to explain that to him? Could I even put it into words? To be honest, he might have already known, smart as he was. I think it would have been so much worse if he knew.

Why, why could I not keep Jonathan fucking Crane out of my head?

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A/N: I have no idea where the angst at the end came from. . . this was meant to be a nice conversation between Amber and Edward. What happened. . . 

Anyway, hope you enjoyed this little filler!

Title borrowed from Joyce Carol Oates.