Et Lilium

1• Mindless & Numb

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I'm tired of being what you want me to be...
...lost under the surface
I don't know what you're expecting of me...
Every step that I take is another mistake to you...
Can't you see that you're smothering me?
...everything that you thought I would be
Has fallen apart right in front of you...
I've become so numb...

Numb by Linkin Park

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There are moments...

"I'll teach you to disgrace the family name!"

In between the darkness...

Father's large fingers thread through my hair, yanking tightly at the roots. I grunt in pain, eyes squeezing closed, as my much smaller fingers desperately try to lessen the painful pressure on my scalp. The old wood floors in our home splinter into my legs as he drags me down the hallway towards the master bathroom. I squirm, kicking out mindlessly as if that'll actually accomplish anything.

Where I find this stillness inside.

Father yanks me up roughly until I dangle from his hand. I'm clawing like a stray cat at his hands, trying to relieve the pain that's now pulling at the fragile muscles in my neck. My eyes creak open, gazing down at the huge jacuzzi tub below. He tosses me like trash into the wall above it. My breathe is stolen away as my back slams into the cold tile, before my lungs are painfully forced to take in air when I crash into the basin. Aches echo in my bones, rattling still from hitting the metal at odd angles.

My head trembles with the strain on my neck, watching in confused terror as he stops the drain. The knob overhead squeaks and a torrential frigid rain pours down like a thousand needles piercing into my pores.
"Did you really think I wouldn't find out," he asks, completely calm now.

I'm trembling, half from the cold penetrating my bones, half from fear. I barely understand him as he calls out to the servants to bring him ice.

It tingles. Like when your feet go to sleep, only it's all over your body.

I scream as he tosses another bucket of ice on top of me. This one had begun to melt while he buried me under the others. Clumps of ice cubes have formed, creating huge projectiles that felt like a fist when they hit me. The icy water sloshes around my waist as the ice falls to join the rest.
"Did you think the scale would lie for you?"

Then my heart beats like a pulsation against my tingling skin...

He roars like a wild beast as I sob pathetically into my knees. It's the only way I could try to keep some warmth and dodge the pain of the ice pelting me simultaneously.
"Please!" I plead through my tears.
"Shut up!"
"Ple-." I try again, but he cuts me off. "Shut the fuck up!"