don't leave (l.h)

11.

I lied in bed. Staring up to my plain ceiling, the white paint was cracking in the corners. I thought about nothing. Nothing, except that I may just have lost my best friend. He hadn't texted, neither had I. It had only been one night and a whole day. I wanted to text him, mostly call him. But it was in the middle of the night and I couldn't sleep, but I knew that he could. He could always sleep. He was Luke Hemmings, my former best friend, I thought. Had I really messed it up this much. That he ignored me now, maybe even avoiding me. But then again I was kind of avoiding Sarah, I wasn't much of a friend at all. But who wanted to be friends with me now? When I showed them what I did for attention.

Maybe after all, I wanted to be ignored. I wanted to avoid the world right now, and the only thing it could do back was to avoid me. I looked over to my night lamp that I hadn't turned off, the only thing that lit up my little room, and me. I reached out for it, turning it off. Black. My eyes wasn't adjusted for this kind of dark right now. Then I turned it on again. My eyes almost squinted at the bright light. Then I turned it off again, I lied there in the dark not able to see anything.

I thought about how I was not able to see anything, not only considering my room but everything. How I only looked at things in one and not in a whole. I wasn't seeing Lukes' bad sides when he acted good and I wasn't seeing his good sides when he acted bad. If I just had looked a little closer yesterday night, then maybe I could have seen his whole. And remembered that he was worried about me and the he was hurt and I was not the reason why, but I was the reason he was happy right after. But I screwed up, like always. That's probably what I'm good at, screwing up. I screwed up with Drew, and now I screwed up with Luke and mines' friendship.

One time when I was younger and there was a candle burning, it stood on our coffee table in the living room. I crouched down next the candle and put my hand over the flame. I felt it burn on my palm but I didn't care, it looked so cool.

"Don't play with the fire." my mom told me, she and dad was sitting in the couch. They weren't fighting then. I looked up at her and furrowed my eyebrows at her. I told her: "But I like the fire."

"It's beautiful, but it's also very dangerous." she warned me.

I looked at her, I had no clue what she meant. I wanted to ask her but figured to stay shut instead. I crawled up in her lap, she hugged me and everything seemed fine.

Now I realize what she meant. The fire is beautiful, but you can't touch it. It will hurt you. And I was so close to the fire back then, I could feel it warm my palm. Now I was too close, I almost touched it again, this time it was warmer. I just waited for the time when I finally touch it and it will burn a hole in my hand. Starting with making my palm smell of burnt flesh that later turned black as it burned through me.

My phone lit up on my side desk. Making my room turn into a grayish light. I leaned over to my side and grabbed my phone. Squinting at the high-lit up screen. Sarah texted me again. I slid the phone screen and unlocked it.

What's going on? Haven't heard of you since the show. Why did you leave?

I stared at the screen, my eyes wasn't really focused and I was tired too. I didn't know what to say. I couldn't tell her what happened, because then I had to tell her why, and how and all those sorts of things I didn't want to tell her.

What was going on? I had no clue and that's what I told her, because she didn't deserve to be ditched. She hadn't done anything wrong, I had.

I have no idea, but I'm fine

-

The fact that school could be the only excuse for me to get out of bed the next morning was pretty sad. My clothes from saturday night was still lying on my floor. It wouldn't surprise me if they were still wet. My mom wasn't home when I got here and my dad was sleeping so I just snuck into my room and left the clothes there. On sunday I didn't have the strength to actually get out of bed.