Transformation: Becoming Ben Solo (A Reylo Fanfic)

Chapter 4 - Thoughts of Her

Kylo Ren stormed through the halls of the Finalizer, angry and wound tighter than a spring.  All because of her, the Scavenger, and the stupid Force Bond that hadn't died with Snoke.

It had happened again – twice – and he desperately wanted to find a way to stop it.

For months, he had lived with the assumption that it was done, and he likely would never see her again, unless it was on the battlefield to kill or capture her.  And he was fine with that.  He just had to keep his resolve strong!  All thoughts of her were pushed from his head, from his memory, and he just went on existing – without her.  Every now and then her face, her eyes would sneak back in, and he'd push them back out.

Then it just suddenly happened, and he was sitting in her room on whatever planet their shithole base was temporarily located.

At first, there was just shock from the both of them.  He thought maybe he felt a flicker from her of something akin to – what?  Happiness? when they first connected.  But if it was even there, it was quickly replaced with uncertainty and disappointment.  This was followed by fear, when she tried speaking to him and he lost his temper.

He stopped, thinking about the encounter.  His behavior where she was concerned was never rational, so he supposed that his actions weren't surprising.  After recovering from his shock, anger was the first thing that coursed through him.  Seeing her again brought back the rage and pain of her rejection, and when she started to speak, he just snapped, unable to deal with all that he was so very suddenly feeling.  He was so certain he was going to choke the life out of her. He knew he could do it through the bond, and it would be over, right then and there.  But in the end, he couldn't do it.  It was so frustrating!!  He didn't know why he couldn't, but looking across at her, he knew he could never do anything to knowingly cause her harm.  She was his!  She was supposed to be with him!!  he thought angrily, his rage threatening to overtake him once again, but he choked the emotions back down.  He sighed and shook his head.  Even now, she still made him weak, and he didn't know what to do about it.

It no longer seemed relevant, since during their last visit, it was clear that they had nothing left to say to one another.  Any compassion they once shared was gone.  That small bit of shared understanding of one another erased.  That draw – the pull – although still there, now meant nothing.   How could it mean nothing?

It didn't matter anymore.  They were enemies once again.   That's what he wanted – wasn't it? The thought made his chest ache, and it became difficult to breathe.  He clenched his fists to drive away the pain.  This bond needed to end – and soon – or it would drive him to madness.

**

Kylo sat upon his bed, elbows on his knees, head hanging forward, his eyes heavy with exhaustion.   It was the third hour of a standard day, and he should be in the middle of his sleep cycle.  But he'd dreamed of her again.  It was the second time this standard week, and it was starting to take its toll.  He had desperately tried to push all thoughts of her away again, but after the first night, he simply couldn't sleep.  No matter how hard he tried, once he was alone in his quarters, his mind drifted to her.  Until recently, until the damn bond had opened again - he'd been able to keep her out, burying any and all thoughts of her as they crept in.  He raked his shaking hand through his hair, and let out a frustrated breath on a growl.

Tonight's dream had been the same.  At the beginning, she was standing in the sunlight, smiling up at him, her eyes shining.  Reaching out her hand, she stroked his face, cupping his cheek as she leaned up for a kiss.... Then the scene changed to one of darkness, with her gazing upward. A strange glow reflected off her face as she turned towards him – a smile of utter joy on her face. But it was the last part of the dream that he couldn't get out of his mind, and no matter how hard he'd tried, it continued to torment him.  They were in his room on the Finalizer, the two of them entwined together, grey satin sheets around them on the bed.  Both were completely nude, and he was kissing and licking at her breasts, her back arched and head thrown back as he kissed his way down to her belly and she moaned in passion.  It was so vivid, felt so real, stoking the fire in his blood.