when i look at you

1

i hear faint yelling as i'm waking up that's pretty normal in the jackson household. my only escape from the yelling is sleep and school but now it's summer and i'm not sleeping
"clarissa come down here right now or i will fucking end you" i hear my drunk father yell
"yeah come down here" my also drunk mother yells
as i'm walking out of my room terrified i see my little sister meghan in her room crying
"it'll be ok" i whisper and she gives me a little smile
"clarissa now" he shouts and i shiver. i run down stairs
"we got fired from our jobs apparently you have to be sober to keep it" my dad says
i frown
"so we're making you get a job" my mom says
"but none of the money you make is yours" my dad adds on
"so go get dressed and find a job or well be homeless" my mom says
i walk upstairs and get dressed i get meghan dressed i grab one of her toys and my phone and get into my car i start to cry
"clara what happened" meghan asks concerned
"mom and dad wasted our savings on alcohol and they lost their jobs so if i don't find one we're homeless" she comes over to hug me.
"there's a diner near my school so i'll go see there but i still won't make enough money" i say trying to cheer her up
i start driving and once we get there i take meghan out of the car
i interview for a job and they said they'd let me know in a few days
i grab meghan and we walk out
"we're going to stop by connor ok?"
meghan nods
we go to the cemetery and i say hi to the lady at the front she knows us really well because we come here everyday
"hi clara how you been holding up"
"i've been well, is it ok if i leave meghan up here with you"
"that's totally fine" the lady says
i walk over to the grave of connor jackson and sit down on the bench
"hey connor i really miss you and i wish you were here. mom and dad have gotten extra bad and lost their jobs, if you were here they'd never start drinking in the first place. why did you do it why did you kill yourself connor i need you but you're not here. i have to get a job now oh and i sleep in your hoodies because it keeps mom and dad from selling them anyways i love you connor and so does meghan see you tomorrow" i say and hug his grave stone

a week later
my phone starts ringing
"shut up that damn phone clarissa" my mom yells
i pick it up
"hello you got the job you start tomorrow 7am"
"thank you, is it ok if i bring my 5 year old sister with me"
"um whatever, bye"
"bye"

tomorrow
i wake up and get ready meghan is still sleeping so i pick her up in her blanket and walk her to the car without waking up anyone. i get to the diner and they hand me my uniform and tell me i can put meghan in the back i start taking orders and making food and drinks and carrying them out to people.
as i'm carrying out a milkshake for a boy my age i accidentally trip and spill it all over him
he helps me up
"oh my god i'm so sorry i'll get you a new milkshake on the house"
"no wait it's fine don't be sorry you're probably just having a rough day" he says smiling reassuringly i smile back at him
"would you still like that milkshake though" i say
"sure" he looks for my name tag
"clarissa"
"and you are" i ask
"noah"
"ok noah i'll have your milkshake out in a bit and i promise i won't spill it all over you next time" he laughs
once my shift was over i head to the cemetery and leave meghan at the front again.
"hey connor today i was such a klutz and spilled a milkshake all over this cute guy" i keep talking about my day as i hear footsteps
"oh my gosh" i say as the boy i spilled the milkshake on walks over and sits on the bench next to me
"and we meet again"
i smile
"connor jackson" he reads the name and thinks
"do you know him" he scratches the back of his neck
"my twin brother" i say and noah frowns
"i'm sorry, you don't have to answer but what happened"
"uh car accident" i say not wanting him to know the real reason
"i'm sorry" he says again
"it's all good" i say smiling
"do you know her" i say pointing to the stone next to connor
"um yes actually that's my grandma i regret not talking to her as much so i guess i'm making an effort now" he says
"i'm sorry for your loss but that's nice"
"yeah" he says
"well i gotta go get my sister" i say
"see ya around" he says smiling and i smile back