Secrets - A Sidemen FF [ON HOLD]

Chapter 10

Broken beyond repair

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Simon's POV

I sat staring at the wall in the hospital where my sister was laying unconscious. F*** this is all my fault! I shouldn't have let her go into school, I shouldn't let her be brought down, I shouldn't have let this happen. None of this ever should have happened. She shouldn't have been abused, she shouldn't have been bullied and she shouldn't have to feel like she deserves to do this to herself, and it's my fault. It isn't even the worst thing that she could of done, yet it still feels horrible knowing I could have stopped this and I could have been there for her. But I wasn't and now she is hurt and depressed and cuts and is suicidal and it's all my fault because I wasn't there. I was never there.

I look around the room, the silence killing me. I want to be distracted from my thoughts. My eyes land on the girl that came with Josh, Kitty I think her name was. I didn't notice before, but she's beautiful. Her brown eyes sparkling in the light, the way her brown bob frames her face perfectly, flicking out at the ends and most of all the fact that she helped my sister. She doesn't even know her, yet she still helped.

A doctor walks through the door wearing an irritated expression, taping on his clipboard before turning to us. God, the silence is tense. "She's awake now you can all go and see her now if you want." I let out a sigh of relief and smile weakly. Thank f*** she's alright. But why does she do it? All of the abuse is in the past? Isn't it? The doctor mutters something under his breath and stalks away. Jeez, my sister has this bloody bastard as a doctor? "Well that was a lot of help, didn't even tell us the bloody room number..." Josh mutters under his breath, as he stands up. I stand up and look around at their faces, trying to read their emotions as they get up. They all look happy she's ok, but they all have a different emotion written across their face. Kitty looks shy, understandably, but also relieved and fearful at the same time. What's that about? Josh also looks relieved, relieved she's ok, but he also looked kind of regretful. Did he know she cut or was this all just a big surprise on him? And lastly I look at Vikk. He looks relieved also, but not that she's alright. Relieved at something else, but I'm not sure what. Everyone seemed to have their own thoughts playing across their minds, unknown to me, but obvious at that. Why?

We walk to the front desk and the lady there smiles up at us. "Yes?" She asks sweetly, seemingly staring at Josh. He glares back and replies bitterly "We're here to see Natalia Minter, what room is she in?" I have to look away to stifle a laugh. Someone's obviously got an admirer and someone's obviously not having it. I look back and Kitty catches my eye. She raises her eyebrow at me and I shrug back. She shakes her head and tilts it to the side, before looking away and returning to their conversation. She's really easy to talk to. I turn back to the conversation and continue listening in. "She's in room 63, honey" She replies, winking at Josh before batting her eyelids. He looks annoyed, no, wait, scratch that he looks p***** off. I bite my lip and avert my eyes trying to hold in my laughter. Why did that get him so worked up? We walk to the elevator and wait for it to come. Vikk walks a little bit behind all of us, looking not quite with it. What's up with him today, he's barely spoken, and that is definitely not like Vikk. Ever since Nat has returned he's been really quiet.

The elevator arrives and we step into it. I reach over and press the buttons spamming them with annoyance. 'When I arrive I get out and run to the elevator, climbing in and impatiently pressing the buttons. Why do elevators take so long?'  I shake my head as tears cloud in my eyes. I can't think like that, I can't remember that. That won't happen, I won't let it happen. I can't afford to think like that if want anything to get better.

I plaster on a fake smile and look around. Kitty catches my eye and wiggles her eyebrows, tilting her head to motion towards Josh. My composure drops for a second and I let out a snort. Josh glares at me and we burst out laughing, Josh giving us his unimpressed look. Vikk just continues to stare into space, a frown flickering on his face. What is wrong with him? We arrive at the sixth floor and walk along the hall towards her room. I stopped outside. I need to be strong. I take a deep breath and walk in, my smile faltering immediately. She smiles and waves, but you can see her eyes, the way they are broken, the way she hides her wrists beneath her covers and tries to hide her frail face and pale skin with her hair. She's broken and it's all my fault. All my thoughts from earlier come flooding back and my head swims as I walk over and sit in the chair beside her bed. She looks over at me and I see sadness in her eyes as she looks away towards the others.

"So, um... who are you?" She asks, her eyes flickering towards Kitty. "Oh, right, this is Kitty, she, um, helped to... bring you here" I reply. She glances a weakly at Kitty before saying "oh.... um, thank you" hoarsely. Kitty flashes a smile at Nat and Nat smiles back. Josh just stays silent and Vikk stares at the walls, his eyes flickering around as if trying to avoid Nat's gaze."Um, do you mind but I need to go outside to call my friends to pick me up" "No, go ahead," I reply."Actually guys, um I don't want to be rude but could you leave for a second, I need to talk to Nat."  Josh grabs Vikk's arm and goes to pull him out. "Get off my arm!" Vikk growls, yanking his arm out of Josh's grip and storming out the room. What the f*** was that about? Josh follows after him and Kit leaves to go call her friends. I turn back to Nat and notice her flinch. What's going on? She then pulls her knees up against her body and starts shaking, her eyes glassy and glazed over as if she is not quite here. "Nat? NAT?" I shake her. No response. I see tears leak out of her eyes and dribble down  her face. What's happening? What should I do? I sit down next to her and wrap my arms around her, gently rocking her back and forth, trying to calm her down. Still no response.

After a while of shaking she stops moving. Is she ok? She gasps and her eyes return back to normal, yet they are still broken. She looks around as if panicking. She then sees me. She moves away, as if trying to get away from me and looks down at her knees which are still pressed against her chest before gently rocking herself back and forth. "A-are you ok?" I ask, my voice breaking. I can't stand seeing her like this. "W-why do you care?" She replies her voice gravelly and shaky. What does she mean? Of course I care. She means everything to me, she's my sister. "W-why wouldn't I care?" I ask. I don't understand, what happened. "I don't understand why you care, why anybody cares. I am just a worthless fragile body of a girl that used to be happy. I have been abused, bullied and self harmed, even tried to commit suicide. I am ugly, stupid, worthless, hated, useless and alone. I don't deserve to live. No one wants me to live and I know why. And even if they did, why? Why do they care? I don't deserve to be cared for. I am just a stupid fragile girl that means nothing. My life has slowly deteriorated, digging myself into a hole that I can't get out of and no one wants to help me out of. There is no way out of here. I stumble around in the darkness, alone, cuts hurting me and the only thing I can't do is live like this forever or end it myself. I am a lost cause and don't deserve to be helped. I am broken. Why should anybody waste their time on me, a lost cause? I am broken and can't be fixed. I am broken beyond repair." She finishes breathing heavily and breaks down crying. "I am weak, I can't even hide my emotions. I can't help myself out of here, I am stuck here forever. There is no hope. Every smile is fake, I can't remember how to smile. I can't remember how to laugh. My life is just fake. Fake happiness, fake love and fake me. I don't deserve to live. I deserve to die."  She believes this? She is my everything. I couldn't stand it if she died. Why does she do this to herself? Why can't she see what I see?

"You are not worthless, you are everything. Without you I would die. You deserve everything you have because you are nice, pretty, funny and you make everyone around you happy. I love you, you are the best sister I could have. Everyday you are here I smile. I was without you for 10 years and my life wasn't the same without you. I couldn't stand it without you. You are not unfixable, nothing is unfixable. Please just stay, for me." She nods and I hug her, her crying onto my shoulder. She falls asleep and I lay her down. It reminds me of yesterday, when we found each other again. At least I'm here for her now.

I walk out the room to see Kitty chatting with two other girls and Vikk and Josh on either side of the girls, both looking p***** off. Kitty turns and sees me. "Are you ok?" She asks softly, looking at my face. I nod and look at the ground. "This is Phoebe" She points to a girl with medium length, brown hair and she waves shyly. "And this is Becca" A girl with long brown hair, dip dyed blue and blue sparkling eyes smiles and waves at me. "Hi, I'm Simon" I introduce myself, pulling a weird face which they all giggle at. "So, Simon I'm gonna go" "Ok, but do you want my number, so we can all, you know, hang out" She smiles and blushes, pulling out her phone. Wait, blushes? I give her my number and the three of them walk off, talking. I turn to the guys. "Come on guys, lets go, we can come back tomorrow, if you guys want to. I am." They nod and walk off. I follow behind and think about what Nat said to me. She doesn't really think that does she?