Catharsis

*23*

Despite the tormented thoughts, I managed to fall asleep and get through the night somehow. The first rays of the morning light were stroking my face and I felt strangely warm and cozy. I opened my eyes to realize a blanket was wrapped around my shoulders and Ha-Neul was stroking my hair. It felt so nice, but I decided it was wrong.

I jumped up on my feet and the blanket left me feeling cold on its way down to the floor. Ha-Neul stared at me surprised.

"Did you have a nightmare?" she asked with a concerned voice. The nightmare was real, I was living it. Wanting to be close to her, but having to stop myself. My decision was standing strong and tall. I decided to not waste any more time. 

"No. I am glad you are awake. I want you to do something for me and you can ask me for anything in return. Let's make a deal." I said in a serious note, still keeping my distance, hoping that would make things easier.

"Uuuuu, call! I hoped you would do something nice for me anyways without me having to give back considering the circumstances, but fair enough!" she giggled. "Consider it's my way of saying thank you for being such a pain in your ass, so I will do it happily without you having to do something for me."

She was nice and warm as always and it made my heart melt, but I had to do it fast, before I could find an excuse to stop myself halfway.

"Please, give Tae a chance! I don't know what you felt after you kissed, but I've never seen him so sad. He loves you a lot and I know he can make you happy. Please, I am begging you!" I bowed deeply, waiting for her response but without having to look at her as it was unbearable. The request was making me happy, but was shattering me at the same time.

"Stop it, what are you doing? It's so embarrassing!" she tried to reach me, but couldn't move. "That was too much, Hobi! You're too serious!" she muffled through the pain. "That's quite a huge request, you're basically asking me to change my life! Isn't that too much of you to ask?" she argued.

"I know it is. That's why I said I am willing to offer something in return, no matter how big the request." I said sternly, my eyes still looking down.

"Then give me your happiness in return." she sighed. "If I do what you ask, will that make you happy? I will accept only if you can guarantee that's what you want and you can continue to grow and love yourself." I was startled at her words and I had to look at her to try and figure out  what was going on in her pretty brain, because it made no sense to me. Her gaze was transparent, like an opened window that lets you see everything inside her soul. 

"Are you for real? Then I don't get to sacrifice anything? How's that fair? You just want to see me happy? You must be kidding me!" I said in a serious tone.

"I am not, I mean it! Hobi, you are the first person that actually managed to break through my walls. All that matters to me is your happiness... So I am willing to do anything if that brings you joy. You've done a lot for me so I am just giving back, I don't see it as a sacrifice." she tried to reason.

"But Tae will see it like that. I won't let you do it if you have no feelings for him. I can't let you treat him superficially and hurt him." I revolted.

"I really like him, Hobi, I would never treat him in such a horrible way... I would have never accepted your request if there was nothing for me to give away. I also liked the kiss to be honest, I didn't know how to react so I just ran away! And then you were nowhere to be found and then bad things happened to my body so I couldn't apologize or explain to Tae... He must have completely misunderstood..." She looked sad, but why did it look like there was a hidden reason for her sadness.

"I am sorry for thinking badly of you..." I said softly, guilt taking over. I did it again, stupid me.

"It's fine, I know you care a lot about your friends and I respect that. Thinking back at what I said, I probably did sound superficial." I was wrong, but she still tried to make me feel better and less burdened. Why did she have to make things more difficult?

"I want you to do it for yourself, not for my sake. Tae can change your life, you just need to let him in." I said with a broken voice.

"I will try. I won't lie to you, Hoseok. I told you before, I have a reason that's more important than my own happiness, so I want to stick to my goals. But I am happy to do it. I was just surprised to see you asking me to accept Tae. I always thought you didn't really want us together."

"I didn't. But I like to think I have matured. I realized I was just overly greedy, I can't keep you all to myself. You are my friend, not my entire world. You don't have to be here for me all the time, I need to grow on my own. You've done more than enough already. You being with me won't bring you any happiness, you'll just be constantly worried or have to babysit me. You need to spread your wings and I have to let you fly. Then we'll both find happiness."

She listened attentively, but there was something about her expression that I couldn't really understand. She looked like she was trying to process the information, but couldn't agree to it. "I will ask for the last time, there is no turning back after that. Are you sure that's what you want and you won't regret it later?"

Why was she staggering? Was she hesitating? Or was she doing it for my own sake, testing my confidence and reasons, forcing me to be steady in my resolution? We want the same thing, my own happiness. So I need to make sure I am doing the right thing. I know it's not the best decision for me, but I am convinced it's the right one for Tae and Ha-neul. So I'll cling to that.

"I am. Let's start walking the road to happiness."