The Way Merlin's Mind Works

The Trip, Merlins Silence and The Journal

Arthur and the Knights of The Round Table had set out on their usual camping trip which usually ended in Arthur and the Knights hunting something on their way back to Camelot. But strangely, despite Merlin being the jester and joker of the group, the raven haired servant hasn't said two words the entire trip, despite being an hour since the group had left Camelot. Everyone saw it, ever since they'd left the courtyard of Camelot, the far away look in his eyes, the way Merlins normally bright and vibrant blue eyes were downgraded, faded and steeling, not Merlin in anyway. No jokes, no bickering, not even a smile.

Arthur, Lancelot, Gwaine, Percival, Leon and Elyan all snuck silent looks at Merlin, whom was riding behind everyone else, oddly silent. Merlin had been silent all day. Gwaine had finally snapped slightly and slowed his horse, slowly pulling next to Merlin. The longer haired Knights slapped his hand down onto Merlins shoulder, startling him and shoving him from his thoughts. The servant looked at the knight and smiled sheepishly,

"Hey Gwaine. Something wrong?" Merlins voice was grainy and hoarse from misuse and something else, something the Knight couldn't place. Merlin smiled brilliantly, it only showed how dulled his eyes were in comparison. Gwaine narrowed his eyes and looked at his friend cautiously, before forcing a smile and said, keeping his hand firmly on Merlins shoulder,

"No, nothing's wrong. You've just been a little quiet all trip, you alright?" Merlin smiled again, this time it seemed more forced and pained, Merlin shrugged and looked forward again, looking past the other members of the group silently and watching the trail ahead. The knight watched merlin for a minute more before sighing and looking ahead but continuing to watch Merlin from the corner of his eye warily. After another hour and a half, Arthur turned to everyone and said loudly,

"Alright everyone! We're setting up camp as close to the river, then we're having dinner in a few hours. Merlin!" All the Knights watched as their friends head shot up so quickly, everyone was surprised that he hadn't fallen off of his horse. Merlin cocked an eyebrow and asked,

"Yes?" There was no amusement, no sarcasm, no joking whatsoever. That in itself, the fact that merlin wasn't using a perfect opportunity to mock the king of camelot as he usually would almost caused the Knights to topple from their horses. Arthur's brow furrowed all but immediately, but the blonde just nodded weakly and said, his voice strained and forced,

"... You know what to do.." Merlin nodded weakly and forced another smile, this one more forced than the last one but just as worrying. After about 20 minutes, the camp had been set, Merlin leaning against a tree to the side of the fire, the far away and thoughtful look returning to his eyes as the fire flickered every few seconds.

Lancelot stood silently and made his way over to the servant and asked, carefully resting his hand on his friends shoulder as he stood next to the sitting servant.

"Merlin?" Much to everyone's surprise and shock, Merlin practically jumped out of his skin, his eyes immediately widened, his face paled momentarily and one of his arms shot out at an alarming rate, gripping the tree behind him. Everyone watched as Merlin slowly and shakily and slowly, ever so slowly and painfully the color returned to his face. He laughed shakily and smiled warily, weakly and mumbled,

"Lancelot.. you startled me." Lancelot sat down next to the servant, keeping his hand on his friends shoulder,

"That was not my intention, my friend. Are you alright Merlin?" Merlin smiled shakily again and nodded weakly,

"Y-Yes, I'm fine. I'm perfectly fine, just a little tired is all." Merlin smiled weakly again, before nodded his head rapidly before shrugging and looking on the opposite direction, he said rather rapidly,

"I'm fine, like I said, just a little tired. That's all, in fact I think I should get some rest." Merlin suddenly shot up from his seat and quickly grabbed a bedroll, surprisingly quick if you were to ask the Knights, surprisingly graceful as well, before lying down and seemingly falling asleep as his head hit the roll.

After about 10 to 15 minutes later, Gwaine quietly called out,

"Merlin?" The boy didn't even stir, so Gwaine stood carefully and quietly made his way over to look at Merlin, when he noticed it. A small, oaky brown leather bound journal sticking out of the inside breast pocket of Merlins jacket. Now, Gwaine had no idea that Merlin has a journal and him being Gwaine, he carefully grabbed the journal from Merlins pocket, and headed back to the small and rather silent knight circle, opening the small book carefully.

Gwaine plopped down next to Lancelot, reading the first page. Lancelot looked over Gwaines shoulder and his jaw almost immediately dropped when he read the first few sentences.

"Gwaine! What the hell are you doing, that's Merlins journal!" All the knights heads shot upwards, Gwaine shot upwards and said,

"Oh please, like I'm going to pass up a chance to understand Merlin better. Think about it, how much do we actually know about Merlin? He knows a lot about us, almost everything and we know little to nothing about him!" All the knights, including Lancelot, froze up, thinking about how right Gwaine was.

Merlin knew close to everything about almost everyone in Camelot, especially when it came to the knights. The knew most of Gwaine, Lancelot and Arthur's fears, he knew a lot of Leon's childhood and he could relate to Percivals childhood as he was also raised as a peasant. He could relate to Elyan and the loss of his father, all Elyan knew that Merlins father had died a few years ago and that his father had died in his arms. He knew of Gwaines fear of abandonment and betrayal, he could relate to it quite well.

Yet, everyone only knew a few things of him. They knew his father had died a few years ago, they'd never met the man (as far as arthur knew), Arthur and leon had met Merlins mother, Hunith, once before. They knew that Merlin wasn't as idiotic as he often portrayed himself, despite the servants best efforts to hide it, Merlin was actually quite brilliant. As Gauis said,

"Merlin is an enigma wrapped in a riddle with a puzzle on top."

Everyone set their jaws slightly as Gwaines eyes widened slightly, then coughed shakily.

"This isn't a typical journal.. there are a few entires about random stuff, but then it switches over to.. dreams. Well.. not really dreams.. most of these are.. nightmares." Gwaine read something else and shakily exhaled,

"Really.. really, really, really bad nightmares. God Merlin.. Is this really what goes on in your head when you sleep?" Gwaine looked over at Merlin, a horrified look in his eyes, tears causing his eyes to look glassy and his mouth agap as he looked at his sleeping friend.

Gwaine exhaled shakily again, just as Arthur said,

"Gwaine, you shouldn't invade Merlins privacy like this. Stop." Gwaine shook his head and said,

"You guys need to hear this.. this is the most recent nightmare, it's dated.. yesterday. This is the nightmare from last night.. This'll probably explain his weird behavior."

And so, the knights sat quietly as Gwaine began to read the journal entry.