Jesus was sleeping when Mary woke him up
Mary (virgin): Jesus WAKE THE FUCK UP
Jesus: gawd dayum woman you're crabby for a prude anyways i got to go i'm meeting mary at the well.
Jesus puts on his lavender robe (the sexiest one he owns) showing off his robust chest hair and combs back all his hair and tucks it behind his ears. Jesus skips over to the well and sees his girlfriend Mary (she's a whore)
Jesus: Hey mamas good morning
Mary (whore): Good morning pumpkin spice :] I picked you this flower
Jesus: No thanks flowers are mad sus, anyways me and the boys were meeting up later you can come if you want
Mary: Sounds great see you there
Jesus beelined it to Andrew's house because he sells the good kush. When he got there Judas was there. Jesus didn't really like Judas because he was mad annoying and made fun of Jesus' new haircut.
Andrew: Shalom motherfucker!
Jesus: Hey Andrew got what I asked for?
Andrew: YUPPP top of the line
Judas: Hey JESUS
Jesus: ugh hi Judas
Judas was wearing his red robe today and for some reason that gave Jesus butterflies in his pp (Jesus and Mary hadn't fucked yet) but he didn't know why.
Judas: Nice lavender robe bitch boy
Jesus: I'm NOT a bitch boy >:( stop saying that
Judas: Make me
Jesus went straight for the balls and kicked Judas
Judas: OWWWW WTF DUDE
Jesus walked away feeling extra accomplished.
Jesus had to set up for his friends to come over. When he was still setting the table Bartholomew arrived.
Bartholomew: omgggg hey bestfriendddd
Jesus: omg hey Bart can you help me finish setting up? Mary's coming over too so I want it to look extra nice.
Bartholomew: Mary better watch out because Judas has eyes for you
Jesus: Bruh what
Just then everyone else arrived. They had fish and bread but how do you make bread without an oven-
Judas: I gotta piss where's the hole
Jesus: the backyard next to the bushes
Mary (whore): Wow Jesus this was really impressive and I can't believe you let me hang out with the boys
Jesus: I know
Mary (whore): meet me outside in 10 minutes?
Jesus: ok
Simon: Bro you know what that means
Jesus: huh?
Simon: Mary's gonna give you head!!!!!
Everyone started cheering for Jesus
Matthew: It's your second Bar mitzvah my guy
Jesus stumbles outside (he was baked as fuck)
Jesus: Mary? Where are you?
Judas: No Mary here just me
Jesus: wtf are you still doing here it's been like 15 minutes
Judas: i had to take my goodnight poop.
Jesus trips over a flower pot because he's dumb as shit but Judas catches him. Jesus was super shocked and got that butterfly feeling again. They stared at each other for a second and then Judas leaned in for a modest kiss. Jesus was extremely flustered.
10 minutes later
Simon: Jesus how was it
Jesus: I mean wow it was great
Just then Mary was in pissed asf.
Mary: Jesus where have you been i've been waiting for you for 20 minutes!
Simon: uhhh Jesus who gave you head if Mary was waiting?
TO BE CONTINUED
