happiness is a butterfly 🦋

why i hate eating

TRIGGERWARNING
Maybe i waited a little bit too long for this chapter and maybe after the last chapter you will be confused. And first of all: I do not have anything diagnosed and i don't think that matters but just in case someone will drop an unnecessary comment! But I have experienced what it's like to be in a very very bad relationship with food and also exercising,... I have experienced what it's like to do everything because you just hate the body you're living in. And the problem starts right there.
Whoever is reading this right now, whether you have eating/body struggles, read on and just listen to my half wise words.
Even if it's just words, you might not realise some things right now because you feel stuck. Maybe you didn't even realise that some things you actually do are NOT normal.
I'll count a few (NOT ALL) things:
- if you workout just to burn calories, that is not a healthy way to lose weight
- if you're eating less than 1300 cals a day that is not healthy
- if you can't eat without burning what you ate, that is not normal
- if you are afraid to eat or even regret it after eating, please that is not supposed to be in your mind
- if you're skipping meals, what the hell your body is supposed to keep you alive, how should he do that without food ?
- if you eat too much or even if you think of throwing up after eating, that is not normal.
- if you haven't eaten for days, well done, you gave your body the sign to go into emergency mode. Well done, your mind convinced you to die.
...

I can tell by myself that you may not be able to stop yourself from doing those things but be aware of them and KNOW that what is happening right now, is not "just wanting to lose weight". Cause it always starts with that, you wanna start losing weight, go on a diet. I know there are many different types of eating disorders BUT all of them have one thing in common: you're obviously having a really bad relationship with your body and food.

I can give you an example of how it is possible to not know that something is wrong and how bad that affects you in the future.
I was in 8th grade and my life was kind of messed up, not sorted but to say that first: i hated working out, hated sports at all. And i just always have been the less eater, nothing dramatic, my whole family knew that.
And i never felt underweight, i never felt wrong in my body, i just thought it was normal eating once a day. My parents didn't tell me that it wasn't. And then there was that class trip in july 2018. These (5) days were just HOT and seriously i can't tell you how i got home alive or didn't pass out while those days but i haven't eaten ANYTHING in those days because the first time i realised that i just hate eating in front of other people and also it was quite hot, we walked like 20.000 steps a day and yeah. Really i can't tell you how my circulatory system endured that. Today i would pass out after 2 days literally.
I don't even know how my friends didn't tell me to eat something, they just asked but i always told them no. On the third day my teacher asked me why i wasn't eating and i just told her it was too hot and i can't eat then. She asked me if i would eat normal at home and i gave her a yes, wasn't even a lie.
When i came home my mom asked me why i had left all of the money i took with me and because i had no idea i just told her i didn't buy food. And she didn't leave a word anymore so guess that was okay for her. That was the first time i started thinking about weighing myself again and i realised that i lost 4 kgs in 5 days. Actually that made me really happy that time and if i'm honest it would still make me happy but otherwise not.
I didn't really think about it more that time and just went on.

Life was hard that time and especially 2020 hit me hard about eating. My mom forced me to take the pill and after that i gained 5 kg in 2 months. You can't imagine how hard i HATED my body that time, i tried everything to get rid of those pounds but it just didn't help. Nothing helped so i tried skipping meals. Oh and my mom was so impressed 'Oh it's so impressing you're doing that! keep going"
Mhmh. Not that she knew anything what was going on in my mind but she gave me the last trigger every day. Every day. I felt the need to go on skipping meals. Some days i came home from school and told my mom ive already eaten even if i haven't all day but that was okay for one day cause i wouldn't lose weight from not eating one day. The one days got more and more.
I had a phase where i wouldn't eat for 4 days straight and yeah it kind of escalated that day, i had school and sat in lesson. i really felt like throwing up and i went outside and wtf, literally i could've passed out there but i didn't. I can surely tell you that my circularity system is the best one. Cant explain to myself.
That was the day my teacher picked me up from the toilet and we talked the whole afternoon. And i was overwhelmed when she asked me if i hadn't eaten all day and i got even more overwhelmed when she gave me money to buy food on my way home-
THAT MONEY WAS IN MY JACKET FOR MORE THAN ONE MONTH AND I STILL FEEL SO BAD FOR IT.
Also if you read that, i felt very bad for not drinking that tea.
I know that i told her i wouldn't eat because i just had no appetite but actually that was only half the story. To be honest - we sat there til like 5 pm and i wasn't starting another 5 hours session, that was enough that day.

And here we're stopping with the negative ones, even if i could write so much more about the way i felt and why. But i guess most of you out there KNOW that already.
Let me ask you one question: What is your goal? Reach your dream body? Lose weight? Okay but you already did. Your goal is reached and you missed the point where you decided that your goal doesn't exist anymore. Your goal can't be to die. But that's what you do if you keep going with this.
And also:
You changing your body isn't going to heal your body image issues BECAUSE body image has absolutely nothing to do with your body.
Body image is an external representation of an internal struggle.

YOU HAVE TO HEAL INSIDE!
Otherwise you won't heal at all because as soon as you won't even try, you can't experience the positive sides of healing.
Cause it's not just gaining weight.

It's also
- gaining back happiness
- having actually FUN in exercising
- getting your mental health on a stable level
- enjoying food without feeling bad
- gaining back friends you always sent excuses to

IF YOU FEEL LIKE YOU CANT GET OUT THERE ALONE, GET HELP!
Because it won't last forever. This is not normal. Here are some numbers:

The recovery Villiage:
855-524-8134

National Eating Disorder Association:
1-800-931-2237

Overeaters Anonymous:
1-505-891-2664

And one for germany:
Mail an : hilfe@essstörungshotline.at
oder
Anrufen bei: 0800 20 11 20
(Magersucht, Bulimie, Esssucht)

Ask if you need any for a specific country!

And also to everyone here not having an eating disorder and not knowing about it:
A person can have ANY weight to have an eating disorder, because eating disorders aren't just not eating and being underweight.
THEY ARE IN YOUR MIND, IT STARTS IN THE MIND THATS WHY YOU CANT "JUST GAIN WEIGHT" or "JUST LOSE WEIGHT".
it's a process and it's a kind thing, understand that.

Recovery is a battle. A daily battle. Just keep fighting. Just hold on.
Slowly, the battles will get easier.

And now grab yourself something to eat.