Craving Purity

10

TW: self harm (pretty descriptive, too)

Levi locked his door as soon as he got inside and fell to the ground on the other side of his door. He hated himself; he always had to ruin everything. The poisonous voice in his head always had to make him doubt himself and regret everything he did, even when he knew it was right.

He didn't know why he had to second guess himself. Even if he had doubts, Levi wanted to believe both Elijah and Greyson. They'd showed him more care in a few days than his ex-girlfriend of two years ever had.

They were embodiment of chaos from Hell, but they'd been so gentle and caring with him.

The thought that he'd thrown that all away because of fear killed him. It made him wish he was dead.

What if the soulmate thing that they talked about didn't stick because he ran away? What if they chose to move on? After all, Elijah and Greyson had each other, so a third party wasn't crucial in any way.

Levi's depression left him sobbing on the other side of the door, wishing he'd just let Elijah kiss him. He didn't know why the doubts had to creep in.

Hell, before he'd met Elijah and Greyson, Levi had thought he was straight. He'd never considered that men might be his thing, but there they were, comforting him and making him feel different... dare he say safe?

But he threw it all away because he was scared.

The mental pain began to make his head throb, his left eye blur from the pain. He pushed himself up and stumbled to the bathroom, grabbing a blade from the counter. He didn't know if it was dirty or not, but he didn't care.

He just needed the pain.

Physical pain would stop the mental pain.

Gripping the blade, his hands shaky, Levi slowly drew it across his skin, clenching his teeth together as the thin line on his skin began to illuminate red.

He drew another line down his whole forearm, watching the blood deep out of the wound and drip down his arm. The pain began to clear the pain in his head, but he wanted to keep slicing his flesh.

He deserved it.

It was his fault for turning down Elijah and Greyson. He had seen Elijah's tears, tears that he caused from his rejection.

Levi was convinced he deserved to punish himself, to give himself physical pain for the mental pain he'd caused Elijah, and he sure he'd upset Greyson too, though the latter didn't show it.

"I'm sorry," Levi murmured, hoping that wherever they were, the two could hear him.

Maybe they'd like that he was cutting himself; they were demons after all. They probably would thrive off of his pain and enjoy the fact that he punished himself for what he did to them.

He cried as he kept slicing himself, blood beginning to drip onto the cluttered white floor of his bathroom. It soaked into the mat in front of the shower, making the white fabric take on a rusty tone where the blood touched.

It was fifteen minutes into his cutting breakdown that Levi began to feel sick and lightheaded, a way he'd never felt before while cutting. He blinked, trying to see clearly, but there was a fog everywhere, and that terrified him.

He'd wanted to die so many times, but he didn't mean to cut himself to death.

Levi's mind was distraught, trying to figure out what he was going to do. He didn't know whether to find help, or to let himself bleed out and die on the bathroom floor.

Something inside of him wanted to lay down and quit, but a bigger part of him wanted to call Greyson. He didn't want to lose the two demons yet, even if they didn't necessarily need him.

Nauseous and exhausted, Levi grabbed his phone from his pocket, blood sticking to the screen as he typed in his passcode and called the new number on his phone.

He nearly cried in relief when he heard Greyson on the other end of the phone.

"Levi?" Greyson asked, sounding surprised. "Are you okay?"

Levi let out a sob, gripping his arm with his open hand to try to prevent some of the bleeding. "Help," he begged, his voice weak. "I d-didn't mean t-t-to. I just was s-so hurt in my head an-and... oh g-god there's so much blood."

Greyson's sharp inhale echoed over the phone. "I'm coming to get you," he said, and in the background Levi could hear Elijah asking what was going on, and Greyson telling him to get in the car. "Stay on the phone with Elijah."

Levi heard shuffling and then Elijah's voice come onto the phone.

"What's going on, Levi?" Elijah asked, his voice soft and soothing, but he was also pleading with Levi. "Talk to me."

Choking on his breath, Levi kept crying unto the phone. "My head w-was hurting s-s-so I tried to g-get rid of the pa-pain in my head," he sobbed. "I didn't mean to c-cut so deep!"

Elijah swore that if he wasn't immortal he would've died that second. "Greyson, talk to Levi," he said, so terrified that his voice was calm as he pulled out his own phone. "I'm calling an ambulance."

"An ambulance?!" Levi shouted through the phone. "No, I'm-"

Greyson cut him off. "Levi, how much blood is there?" he asked, knowing that it must've been really bad if Elijah was willing to let other people touch Levi and heal him.

"Too much," Levi cried, looking at the deep cuts on his arm, his vision blurring. "I'm so tired..."

"Do not fall asleep!" Greyson yelled, making Levi whimper into the phone. "Levi, you need to get a towel or something and put pressure on the wounds."

Levi hiccuped into the phone. "No..." he whined, laying on the bathroom floor. "I just want to sleep..."

"The ambulance will be there in seven minutes," Elijah said, grabbing the phone back from Greyson. "Levi, where are you?"

"B-Bathroom," Levi whispered. "I'm s-so tired, Elijah."

"I know, I know," Elijah soothed, surprising Greyson with how calm and loving Elijah was being. "Stay awake for a few more minutes."

He would've expected Elijah to be sobbing and crying, but Elijah was the one holding it together and making sure he was calm.

Levi cried through the phone, as he was trying to put a towel on his cuts and it burned even worse than the actual wounds. "Pressure on th-the wound," he sobbed. "Hurts so b-bad."

"I know it does," Elijah said, fighting himself so he didn't cry and upset Levi. "It'll all feel better soon."

"I'm going to sleep," Levi said, ignoring the protests from Elijah and Greyson. "I'm sorry, I'm so tired."

Elijah tried to get him to stay up, but he couldn't get Levi to respond, even though the call was still going.

"Greyson," Elijah said, tears falling down his cheeks. "I... what if..."

Greyson shook his head as they turned onto the street where Levi's apartment was. "Don't you dare say it," he growled. "He's going to be fine, and when he is we're never leaving him along again. I don't care if he's afraid, he's not going to be alone."

The ambulance was already there when they arrived, and they tried to get inside to see Levi, but a paramedic stopped them.

"He's our boyfriend!" Elijah growled, trying to push past the paramedic, but Greyson held him back. "I'm the one who called you!"

The paramedic glanced at the apartment where they were rolling Levi out on a stretcher. "You can follow us to the hospital, but he's in bad shape so we can't crowd the ambulance," he said, rushing over to his crew and assisting as they wrapped Levi's arms.

"Is he going to live?" Elijah asked as he tearfully climbed into the car.

Greyson wiped his eyes. "I told you not to say anything like that," he scowled, starting the car and following the wailing ambulance.