FALL (DIMENSION Series #1)

CHAPTER 41

By the time it got dark, clusters of customers were milling around inside Cosby's. Several approached me on my way out—regulars dappled by the soft light of scattered lamps— who wanted to talk music, but I didn't have it in me to be social, so I fled.

     As I drove home, things seemed to happen in a kind of blur. I was aware of the road signs and the changing colors of the traffic lights and the mechanics of driving, but these things were happening in the periphery. I was acutely aware of the void of Derek. I felt my loss keenly. Like the loss of a limb that would impair my movement, the loss of Derek seemed to throw my brain off balance.

     "Maybe he'll be back," I whispered to myself. But almost immediately I shook my head at the idea. I had the deep realization that things had changed. I didn't know the specifics, but I'd had a visceral reaction to what had happened. It had left a hollow feeling in my stomach. It was like some version of the unease I'd felt right before my fall. And Derek had stated that he wouldn't be around. I didn't know what that meant, exactly. If he meant he wouldn't be in Bluffside, or in Colorado, or in this universe. That remained to be seen. But I was fairly certain that he wouldn't be around for me to hang out with, even if he stayed in Bluffside.

     Nobody had formally told me that Derek had moved on from me to Isabelle Bree. But I had a sense of it. He hadn't invited me to walk with them to wherever it was they were going. He'd barely given me a passing glance before walking off with Isabelle. And from the dark green color of his eyes I knew that he'd already closed himself off from me. And I also knew that Isabelle had been waiting for that moment. She'd been preparing herself for it. That was why she'd been nonchalant and brimming with all the right words when he had finally appeared. She'd had the kind of presence that made her seem like a chill girl who didn't get worked up by things like Derek's unexplained absence. When that hadn't been the case at all. I remembered her desperation when we'd looked for him, but of course she knew how to internalize all that uncertainty. And how to approach him with complete confidence. And I knew she'd be glommed onto him from now on. At school she'd remain by his side, holding onto his arm and smiling up at him. The thought was nauseating.

     The light in our kitchen seemed too bright. I blinked several times trying to find my bearings. Everything seemed too intense to take in. The colors were amplified. The black and white tiles seemed too extreme, too far removed on the color spectrum. Like they were screaming out antagonism into the room.

     "Are you all right, Eleanor?" my mother asked as she squinted at me.

     "I'm fine," I said and forced out a quick smile. I couldn't handle my mother's scrutiny right now. It was hard enough to take on normal days.

     I knew my mother was concerned about me. Especially after my fall. She was trying to be helpful. My mother thought she knew me. But what did she really know about my life? Not much at all. She saw only what I chose to show her and those weren't the pieces that really mattered. Those weren't the pieces with Derek in them.

     And what did I really even know about my own life? I couldn't say much about it with certainty anymore. Except for saying that it was messy. That seemed to be the one true thing. Things had become distorted. Maybe because I'd been through such tremendous ups and downs.

     I'd liked Derek Nash from a distance for so many weeks. I'd eavesdropped on his conversations and I'd had all these imaginary conversations with him and I'd daydreamed about him so much that it felt like he'd existed in my world. And then—for a brief moment in time—he actually did exist in my world. He'd looked into my eyes, had touched my shoulder and my hands, had sent me a single poetic text. He'd given me hope of a future together. An unconventional future, but a real one, nevertheless. And now he'd cruelly taken it away from me. All my expectations and my hopes for the two of us had been smashed. Shattered into pieces. And now I'd be watching him from the sidelines again. I'd be watching him as if I didn't know him. And I'd wonder about him. And he'd be turned back into the same problem for me that he'd been before we'd ever started hanging out.

     I blinked again and realized that I'd somehow made my way to the dining table. We were all seated there. My dad and Jason and my mother. And things seemed normal enough. Nobody stared at me like I'd been irrevocably altered. When I in fact had been. They didn't know that there'd been an internal destruction. They couldn't see me bleeding out right in front of their eyes.

     I was vaguely aware that I was answering more of my mother's questions. I'd gone onto some kind of autopilot. I even managed to eat. The chicken and rice and peas seemed too dry, and it took effort to swallow it down. But I managed it.

     I could sense my mother hovering around as I cleared the plates from the table. She was wanting to talk to me. She'd probably finally sensed that something was off with me.

     "Shit," I mumbled under my breath. There it was again. A curse word just waiting for release. A leftover from the shocking day. I was glad that my mother hadn't heard me. 

     I picked up my backpack from where it sat on a kitchen chair.

     "I'm going to Neal's" I announced to my mother. "He's going to explain some math problems to me."

     My mother nodded at me slowly, the squint returning to her eyes. I didn't wait for her to say more. I just made my way into the yard. I paused under the tree. Our tree as I had briefly thought of the tree where Derek and I had sat together the night before. where my arms had been touched by the fabric of his denim jacket. And my mind had been touched by his perfect words. What a load of crap, I thought. I wonder if he'd knew even then that he'd be leaving me. If he'd not kissed me because he'd known what would happen next. I stared up at the sky and was relieved to see no stars. I didn't need their presence right now. This place didn't need to be honored by their light.

     I felt better once I was inside Neal's house. I was ready for some diversion. And math problems would work as well as any. They'd help to remove the torturous thoughts that were circling around in my mind right now.

     "I need help with calculus," I said to Neal. And it was true. I'd fallen behind.

     "Please explain things," I continued.

     He nodded and smiled at me. And then he did his magic at their kitchen table—turning difficult problems into digestible pieces of logic. He made us many cups of coffee and he talked me through it until it all came to me, and none of it was foreign anymore.

     What would I do without Neal? I wondered. Who the hell are you Derek Nash? I thought. Why should you matter to me in the big scheme of things? Who are you compared to my parents and Jason? And Neal and Nisha? Why should I devote even an ounce of brain space to you? But of course I already knew the answer. Derek Nash was my destiny. 

* * *

NEXT NEW CHAPTER ON THURSDAY, SEPTEMBER 3 

Thank you for reading this chapter! Show your support for this story by simply clicking on the little VOTE (star) button.

And, of course, I'd love to read your comments too.