Truly, Madly, Deeply (Book 2 of the Summer Love series) || 1D

TEN: Hoping They're Okay

TW: brief mention of miscarriage

Harry's POV

    "Do you have any ideas you're going to bring up today?" I ask Lou in the car on the way to the studio.

    "Nah. Not really. I've sort of been in a writing slump since we left Malibu." he tells me.

    "You haven't written anything?"

    "Oh, I've written plenty. I just think it's all a bit shit." he says. I roll my eyes.

    "Oh, please. You're the best lyricist I've ever met. You don't even have to try. You make it look as easy as breathing." I tell him. He grins and shakes his head, looking out the window. It's the truth! He always gets down on his own writing, but in reality his songs are consistently the best.

    "Thanks, pumpkin. Do you have any ideas?" he asks me. I shrug.

    "I mean, yeah. I definitely have ideas, but I don't know if I'm going to bring them up or not. They're kind of personal." he nods.

    "Are they good?"

    "I think so. It just might not be a good time to bring up the subject matter." I explain. He nods again, knowingly.

    "I don't know if Zayn's coming today or not." Lou says. My heart sinks a little more. I know it wasn't necessarily me who hurt him directly, but I know I played a big part and I still feel just as bad. I have a sneaking suspicion that he's upset with me as well. I hate that I haven't apologized or at least spoken with him yet. I was planning to speak with him today.

    "Why not? You've spoken to him?" I ask. Lou nods.

    "Last night on the phone, yeah. He said he needed some time away from everyone. He just wants to be alone right now." he says. I feel really sad for Zayn. I just hope he's not avoiding me.

    Zayn and I are very close. Other than Lou, I'd say Zayn is the best, closest, dearest friend I've ever had. I know we'll always stand up for each other and be there to support one another. He makes me feel so comfortable being emotionally vulnerable. He's one of the first people I call when I need a friend, and I know he'd say the same about me. That said, Zayn and I have this unspoken rivalry that sits constantly in the back of our minds. Sometimes, we're able to ignore it altogether while other times it's so completely obvious; nonetheless, it's always there like an elephant in the room. I think everyone can sense it, but none of us ever address it directly.

    Zayn and I are extremely similar in a lot of ways: we both tend to get caught up in our thoughts and we're both quite emotional by nature. We think about and see the world in very similar ways and we both highly value perspective--even though he's a lot better at getting perspective than I am. Our similarities often cause us to compare ourselves to one another. We'll be the first to defend each other against outside forces, but when it comes to defending ourselves against each other, we usually just end up arguing like brothers. We can switch from pouring out our undying love and support onto each other to wanting to kill each other in a matter of minutes.

    I hate fighting with him--it's probably the thing I hate doing most in the whole world. Fighting with each other is often like fighting with the worst of ourselves because of how similar we are. We know each other so well that we know exactly what to say to hurt each other. The worst, most hurtful arguments I've ever been involved in have been arguments I've had with Zayn. I never mean to pick fights with him and I know he never means to pick fights with me, but when we get upset with each other, the situation is bound to end in disaster.

    Zayn and I have literally had to set boundaries for how we are allowed to fight with each other. About a year ago now, we got into a really nasty fight. I don't even remember what it was about--it seems so insignificant in hindsight. We were all hanging out at mine and Lou's, and tensions between Zayn and me had been so high all night. At one point, Liam, Lou, and Niall disappeared for a minute or two. When they all came back, Zayn and I were practically trying to kill each other. No one could get us off of each other, not even Lou. We fucked each other up pretty badly. Eventually, the lads stopped trying to intervene and I got sick of fighting, so I threw as hard a punch as I could and knocked Zayn unconscious. I've never felt as much instant regret and guilt as I did in that moment.