✝ it is a sad day when living becomes an achievement - Juzosuke [Angst]

✝ it is a sad day when living becomes an achievement.

["It has taken me far too long to come to the conclusion that i am nothing special. my flaws and struggles and victories are no different from any others my age, and every time i have to remind myself of that, it hurts.

and i guess i'm that sort of person, i would rather be infamous than unknown and i cannot for the life of me tell if it is a blessing or a curse. i'm not even sure i want to know. all i know is that society caught up to me, though i am guilty of being the one to drag me down.

so here we go again, so scared of praise as to reject it, modesty modesty modesty, it was nothing, no trouble, easy, sorry, sorry, sorry, look somewhere else so you don't see the smoke of burning monuments, they were never achievements anyway, and, oh, for the love of god, why is it never good enough?"]

I wrote on my note pad, my leg bouncing from anxiety while my hands tremble. God damn it Kyosuke, you're in the middle of a meeting. Not now.

["when i was younger i struggled with the concept that there will always be someone better than oneself. i guess in a world where i could always try harder, it was far too easy to compare myself to the people who managed to get out of their head. but we know i am trapped within my thoughts. i am no more than feelings in poetry on a screen, after all.

yes, i am always far too emotional and breakable and hot/cold/dead, always too fragile for the many assailants this world has to offer, the most brutal being my own brain. sure, this twisted gathering we call society has never helped, but i am the most toxic person in my life and that's something i can't run from or cry at. not that i cry these days. my pride forbade it"]

This is stupid. I'm ranting to no one but myself. Writing down my deepest thoughts and opinions about myself, to myself.

I have everything so good.. I got a great job, two best friends that been with me since high school..

or well, One now. I don't spend much time around Yukizome anymore. She stopped visiting me awhile ago.

Sakakura hangs around though. He's here right now actually, he never sits at meeting anymore though. He just stands behind me, hovering over me like a protective body guard.

["burn the tears and tantrums and arguments, burn the achievements and exam scores and successes, burn the insults and the hunger and the people, burn the pressure and the stress and its effects, burn it all to the ground until there's nothing left but me, running"]

I finally stop writing, my hand is tired.

I look up at the large meeting room. The hologram screen in the center of the table is broken. everything is broken actually. There's no power anymore, its been long shut off.

I sigh as I stand up from my chair at the end of the table. Everyone is here, but only in my head. As I rub my eyes they all disappear, they aren't here anymore.

Juzo never leaves though no matter how much I rub my eyes. Is he dead? yes.

Is he apart of my imagination? no. he's still here, he never left. He'll only leave when I do. He follows me.

Is it wrong to allow a spirit to do such?

I don't care if it is. It's not like I can stop it or tell anyone about it.

...

is it wrong to want to join him?

I'm never lonely here but, it's weird not being able to hug back.

it's weird apologizing over and over yet never get a response.

But, deep down even without a verbal confirmation, I know he forgives me.

Sakakura isn't the type to hold a grudge against friends.

or.. well. Isn't the type to hold a grudge against me least.

....

Would he be here sitting with me in here right now if I let him speak to me?

if I let him tell me what he's been meaning to say?

I could also leave and then speak to him.

I don't mean leaving the building.

My sword is with me, right?

Don't get any ideas Kyosuke, you should be greatful you're still here. don't listen to the thoughts in your head, most of them are the deceased's quotes playing on loop.

Sakakura wouldnt want me to join him, right? he worked so hard for me to stay.

damn

it is a sad day when living becomes an achievement, huh?

I just want to hear what he wanted to tell me. it's my fault he couldn't say it anyway.

maybe he was going to tell me something he knew?

haha..

maybe he was going to tell me he loved me.

wouldn't that be funny..

...

I forgot my note pad on the table.

I think Sakakura is reading it.

I should leave.

I don't want to see his reaction.