the power in me

can I be happy?

Today i'm happy

or at least not angry

at least not sad, depressed, anxious or feeling moody

but something still bothers me

some questions still linger in my heart

as absurd as it may sound

do I really want to be happy?

do I really want to laugh?

do I really want to give the world

another chance to make make me feel bad?

do I really want to show weakness?

do I really want to wear that smile?

or do I want to keep my guard up so noone has the opportunity to throw me back down

I want to be happy

and I guess occasionaly I am

but its like a day of happiness amounts to a week of fear

a week of disappointment

a week of anger and depression

I would love to stay happy

but I know better thant to dream and wait for the appearance of such a fairytale

i'd rather stay upset,

cautious and aware it is my strongest defense

That way I wouldn't be hoping and expecting better to come from bad

Only to be slapped back into the cold, wicked, truth

REALITY.

_xan_