messy sketchbooks

eight pm deliveries

you hadn't seen or spoken to kylo in a week since he left you sopping and exhausted after your confession in his bathroom. the car ride back to your apartment was dull, no hand grazed idly over your thigh, no radio filled the walls to lure away the awkward silence, just the sniffles of your running nose due to the endless amount of suppressed tears you were holding in until you collapsed against your apartment door. back sliding with no fault, your knees bunched together at your chest, sobbing quietly into your lap. your jeans becoming soaked as you let the tears cascade out of your irises, his voice replaying over and over in your head.

"feelings? when did we agree to bringing our feelings into this?"

ricocheting through every nerve in your mind, setting your brain ablaze. no matter how hard you tried to push down the feeling of guilt and brokenness, you succumbed to the numbness and let out your cries for help. thinking about how he made cry when you were in his company, how he made you feel the butterflies fluttering in your stomach, the smell of his cologne on his pillow that eased you out of a state of restlessness. every memory of your brisk time together causing your heart to ache and tug at the strings. rey helped you up from the attachment your back was forming to the wooden door, she didn't need to ask why you were crying, your eyes spoke for you. sheltering you within the crook of her arm, she aided you onto your mattress, not bothering to undress you and put you into something comfier, you didn't have the energy for an outfit change. your body hit the springs, sinking and becoming limp at the first touch your skin made with the covers. curling yourself into a ball, your eyes still letting out the vast amount of your sole lasting emotion.

"i'll be right back"

her comforting words were the first you heard since you asked to leave his apartment. they provided you with a sense of normalcy that his husk voice wasn't the only sound permeating your eardrums, that there were voices of love and adoration for you. voices with feelings and meanings behind the words that were spoken.

leaving you alone with your thoughts for a couple of seconds, she reappeared, sliding under the covers next to you with her laptop, bottle of wine and the good ice cream you saved for moments of desperation. shifting over, you rested your head against her shoulder as she poured the wine into two glasses and handed you one. you didn't need to say anything, she found netlfix without question and stuck on the latest murder documentary that was keeping you up till dawn most nights binging.

"do you want to talk about it?"

she said in a hushed tone while slotting the cold metal spoon between your free fingers. you dug the utensil into the tub of triple chocolate cookie dough swirl, bringing it up into your mouth, letting the coldness sit on your tongue until melting point. you shook your head in response, not wanting to speak, fearing that if you started you wouldn't stop and that your tears would begin to overpower you once more. all you wanted was to stay like this forever. rey now cuddling your side, her head resting on top of yours, she filled up your glass every-time you finished, spoon feeding you ice cream until you were full to the brim. falling asleep to the serious tones of the documentary and reys heartbeat caressing the side of your temple with every intake of breath.

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you were nervous to see him at work, knowing that you would have to spend hours cooped up in the back room, altering his clothes, touching his body while still remembering the way he made yours feel. even though you detached yourself from him completely over the remains of your weekend, you couldn't silence the feelings you still held for him. hux could sense you weren't yourself while at the plaza, and instead of being a slither of what a decent human being would be , he made you work the floor for the entire midnight till 3 am shift, not letting you get the tips you solely needed for rent this month, if you were on stage.