Why Can't You Just Be Happy For Me

In the chill of your stare i am painfully lost

I lay in my bed thinking about how much of a shitty person I was as music floated in and out of my ears through my shitty earphones. I had trouble sleeping, I over thought everything in the dark cover of night. I mean, I over thought everything during the day also, but I got worse at night. It could take me over two and a half hours to fall asleep, just lying there with my head filled with thoughts of self loathing and wonder.

I woke up exhausted, as always. I got up and walked across to the bathroom, my parents were both be at work so I didn't see the need to put on a shirt or trousers. When I got to the bathroom I heard a noise and suddenly remembered Alex was there. He wolf whistled and I wanted to crawl in a hole and die. I quickly shut the door behind me.

'Damn Barakat, you're so skinny, you need some meat on your bones woman!' He called after me in a slightly mocking tone. Ohmygosh, that was so embarrassing. How could I forget he was here. I'm such an idiot. I put my head in my hands and walked slowly to the shower, turning it on and making sure it was hot enough before taking off my boxers and stepping under the steamy water. I look down at my body, glad Alex hadn't paid so much attention and I was facing away from him so he couldn't see the red marks along my arms, hips and sides, and they were at least partially hidden. I wasn't too worried about him seeing the bruises on my chest though as he was the cause of them and would surely realise this.

After I washed my body and hair I clambered out of the shower and wrapped a towel around my waist. I didn't know what to do about going back to my room, I didn't have any clothes to put on and Alex would quite possibly come out of his room to mock me. I quickly peeked outside the door and once seeing he wasn't there walked quickly back to my room.

I quickly got changed and ran down the stairs, I grabbed an apple and was about to walk out the door when Alex called me from upstairs.

'Jack!?'

'Yeah?!'

'Do you want a lift to school?!'

'Nah, I can walk'

'You sure?!'

'Yeah!'

'Ok! See you at school!'

'Lock the door when you leave and put just gimme the key in school or keep it or something?!'

'Ok!'

I left, I thought it was odd of Alex to offer me a lift to school, I thought he would rather die than be seen with me not having the shit kicked out of me. I walked to school everyday, my parents could afford to get me a car but I just wasn't smart enough to pass the test. Sometimes, I thought I would never pass a test.

I began the ten minute walk to school, I had to be early, I couldn't stand to be late. I left my house twenty minutes before school started just to be sure, I knew Alex would probably leave at nine and waltz into class late, as per usual.

It was a cool autumn day, the sun was peering through the clouds creating sunny patches on the pavement.

When I arrived at school, the parking lot was practically empty and there were very few students walking into the main building. I joined them wondering up the steps and into the hallways of my most hated place.
School.

Dulaney High was one of the worst places to be in the world, in my opinion at the very least. I probably would have liked school if I had of been smart and popular, but I was neither. I made my way towards my locker and fumbled in my pocket for the key. Upon opening I saw that I had left the lunch someone had given to me the week before just sitting there and it had begun to rot over the weekend.

Why hadn't I been using my locker the past few days? I guess I never really used it, didn't see the point. Looking at the rotting food, I couldn't even remember who gave it to me, or why.

Probably Alex or one of his friends, making jokes that I needed to eat and that I was anorexic. I wouldn't have eaten it anyway, they gave me it after all. Maybe it was poisoned. Or maybe it was filled with cockroaches or something. I couldn't take any chances.

After throwing out the suspicious contents of my locker I piled my books in and carefully selected the books needed for first and second class.

Luckily, and yet unluckily, it was art. I loved art, I wasn't smart but I could draw, I was actually good at art. But, Alex was in my class. Actually, he sat with me. Most of the football team had gym while we had art and as Alex is approximately ten minutes late to everything, when he arrive at our first class of the semester the only table not filled with idiots was mine. Each table seated four people, they were made up of two two people tables. There were four tables and because of the small numbers in our class, eight, two people were to sit at each four person table, or one at each two person table. Normally, Alex would sit and mock me, or mess with my stuff, occasionally, ignore my existence. But, for some reason, I wanted today to be different, I wanted him to talk to me. I couldn't tell why. Normally I would pray that he would ignore me, even though I didn't believe in a god.

I clumsily took out some art supplies from the store and sat in my regular seat near the back of the room. We had been given the task to draw self portraits, well they didn't have to be drawn but you know. I decided I would draw my self in black and white and then paint the background in colour. I sat at my desk listening to music on my iPod as I waited for the rest of the class to join me before actually starting work.

As expected Alex lazily sauntered into class about ten minutes late.

'Mr Gaskarth, glad you could find the time to join us' our teacher gave a fake smile in his direction.

'I'm a very wanted and needed guy miss, all those girls so little time and all' he gave her a bright smile and a wink. The rest of the class just laughed at him, excluding me, I rolled my eyes at the boy who was now walking in my direction.

'Maybe if you spent less time on these imaginary girls you would do a lot better in your classes' she said turning back to her computer. I laughed at that and Alex shot me a death glare, I shrugged and returned to the difficult task of drawing my hair.

My hair was black with a blonde streak and long, I spent quite some time in the morning ensuring it stuck up and out in a style that said 'I don't give a fuck, I rolled out of bed like this' which obviously isn't true.

'So, Barakat, do you need your house key or can I keep it? Might bring home a lucky girl during lunch'

'You're so full of it Alex' I rolled my eyes at him once more.

'Just because you're in love with me' he winked at me.

'No, Alex, the only one in love with you is yourself'

'Sure...anyway, do you need it or...?'

'You can keep it, but I swear to god if you bring a girl to my house I will have you sleep outside until your parents come home' of course that was total shit, I couldn't actually make Alex do anything, but I needed some sort of a threat to prevent my house becoming some sort of sex lounge for Alex and his buddies.

'I won't take any girls back' he made an x across his heart, 'I can't promise I won't take any boys though' he winked at me then stood up and walked away, probably to get art supplies.