Heaven and Hell

Chapter 5: I Can't Handle this

I sat up rather abruptly from the couch, immediately realizing I was in no condition to stand yet. My head was still swirling from the scene I had just witnessed, my stomach feeling like it had dropped down to my feet.
After a few minutes of attempted recollecting, I decided a quick distraction might be best, so I decided to watch an episode of Drag Race. I know, I know, I'm such a typical gay.
Thankfully, I was able to calm down a little bit before it was time to leave...nope, nevermind, panic attacks started again in the car.
    I felt my heart banging against my rib cage uncontrollably and there was an unexplainable feeling of dread in my stomach. I won't go into too much detail, but I ended up stopping two different times to puke out my window.
    Unfortunately, this type of thing happens fairly often, but never in this much detail. Occasionally, I'll have a dream of Mr. Burns falling down the stairs or having a heart attack, but nothing this graphic. I couldn't get the image out of my mind, no matter how hard I tried. I was surprised I was able to make it to the mansion on time.
    I decided to set an exact time for when I would confess my love for him, that way I wasn't searching for the perfect time all day. After some consideration, I chose to tell him towards the end of dinner. So, if he rejects me, I'll be able to drive home quickly to wallow in pity.

The day went by in an absolute blur even though it was especially boring. I wasn't able to calm my nerves as successfully as I had hoped. Every time I was able to distract myself from thinking of my horrifying dream, I was reminded that today was the today I was to admit my feelings for Mr. Burns.
    A part of me almost knew that I wouldn't be able to do it. I've tried and tried for 30 years, why would this time be any different? But, another part of me reminded my brain of the image of Monty on his deathbed.
    "Monty, you ready to go?" I said as I popped into his office, visibly cringing at my mistake of calling him by his first name. Fortunately, he didn't seem to notice.
    "Yes. I am exceptionally hungry this afternoon, so I expect dinner by 4:30,"
    Great. Just perfect. That gives me a lot less time to prepare.

    The drive back to the mansion was absulute torture. He was silent for the entirety of the drive, just like usual, so I had nothing to distract myself with from the hurricane of tormentive thoughts that was the inside of my mind. I decided to turn on some Fleetwood Mac about half way through the drive. I couldn't be left alone with my thoughts, not now.
    Eventually we made it back to the mansion, and I started straight away on dinner. I had picked up a rotisserie chicken and some chopped vegetables a few days earlier and popped that in the oven, so I at least had a moderate amount of time to plan out my confession of love to Mr. Burns.
    I spent about 35 minutes doing this, most of it spent talking myself out of it then reconvincing myself. I still wasn't exactly sure I wanted to do this, but I knew that I had to, or else I would never get this chance again.
I obviously knew that his first reaction would be to fire me on the spot, but I thought that I would maybe be able to convince him otherwise. The only thing I need to know is if I even have the possibility of ever being able to be with him romantically. I just need him to know that if he rejects me, I will never come on to him; I value his happiness and respect much more than how much I want to be with him.
Before I knew it, the food was done cooking and it was time to confess my love. My hands trembled frantically as I plated the chicken and vegetables, almost dropping the plates multiple times.
Once I was done, I grabbed both plates and trudged towards the dining room, my heart beating faster than it had in a long time. Before I stepped into the room, I took a long, deep breath.
Am I ready for this? I asked myself, strongly doubting that this would go well at all.
Probably not, but I don't think I ever will be ready for this.
A beat later, I strode into the dining room.
"Ah, Smithers, dinner is ready, I suppose," said Mr. Burns. 

    A/N oof not me making a cliffhanger yet again. next chapter will be up fairly soon tho. Hope ya'll enjoyed! :)