Fish Eyes

Extras

So let me tell y'all.

This book started all the way back in January. I had this stunner idea for a girl inspired by the fish and her brooding mysterious lover. This inspiration came from a relationship I was in from February to May, yes it was short-lived.

The character Lawrence was originally patterned after my first love. I was feening for the boy for a long time before those intentions were reciprocated, hence the will-they-won't-they, and Dalia being the one to constantly show outward interest.

Lawrence was the one who knew how he felt, but had a strong refusal about acting on it.

This trope exists in a lot of men, especially black men. And I wanted to capture that confusion, that detachedness, in his character.

In the middle of me writing Fish Eyes, my relationship collapsed, and I couldn't bring myself to continue Lawrence's character in the way that I'd originally intended. I'd repressed all the positive traits of my past boyfriend and couldn't bring myself to un-repress them lol. 

Lawrence took the form of everything I want in a partner. I want the free spirit, patience, creativity, and even timidity that Lawrence brought. I want someone that allows me to be the aggressor, while also allowing themselves to stay true to who they are. I like the new form of him so much better. And it was okay that he had commitment issues. Dalia did too. They were both wounded children that had never addressed their traumas prior to meeting each other.

Lawrence is the basic ass kid with commitment issues, but the way he chooses to channel his energy takes the focus from that a little more and allows him an outlet. Lawrence has kind of already created his reality, which is rare for a young person, until Dalia comes and busts his bubble.

So Dalia pulls on all of the sensitive-yet-troubled parts of my personality. The part of me that longs for passion yet disconnects from others and the world around me. I'm in a constant state of thinking I need to wait for something, or thinking that I don't have enough where I am to be great. That's not the case.

Dalia was an exploration of that for me, and she's my most special character that I've written thus far. She helped me write out a lot of my own turmoil.

I also wanted to make her a dark-skinned character, but with little emphasis on her color and appearance. Very small parts of her character were described in order to emphasize nuance over the obvious. I also wanted her to be tall because tall dark girls are hot and get no representation.

A huge part of my passion for writing is wanting to create the stories me and my girls missed out on and are still missing out on. I want black love and black youth without death, pain and misery. I want wholesome black existence.

Yes, I want to create something dark, gritty, and meaningful, but I don't think that black pain is the way to go about that. There's so many more nuances to black existence that I want to explore.

In Dalia's case, she's a rich girl with no lasting passion and limited interpersonal connections. And she's finding her way.

The story was short, I know, but I wanted it to be. It was more thematic than anything. I also wanted to write more about the chase than the catch for this part. The rest is up to the imagination. No sixteen year old is certain about where they go next, but it's really important to highlight the journey it takes to even get to that starting line. Fish Eyes is resemblant of that long but meaningful drag on the way there. 

Also, Wendy was inspired by my best bitch Zymira, who I love very much. She thinks money can solve all her problems, but she also knows it can't. Quite an interesting paradox.

Julia was a play on my more intellectual, "robotic" side that everyone admires so much. I like that Dalia admired her so much, because at the same time, Dalia IS her. Energy is a shared substance, and once we start realizing that and finding our own worth through realizing others', we become more powerful.

This book is my best thus far, but I definitely know there's so much more to be done. So many nuances to create, so many subtleties to produce. I want to write the best stories I possible can, so I sincerely hope you enjoyed it.

I also plan on editing this joint something fierce because I get lost in the sauce. It's just really hard for me to revise anything, ever. I don't even check my answers on tests. If I failed that guy, I failed that guy.

Be on the lookout for Gale Blackburn and Dara Benjawan. They're coming in hot. Two losers who have nothing but potential.

I love you and I hope you love yourself - rachel