my story

my story

I'm not a psychologist nor a professional I'm just an 18 year old girl who changed her life around, after losing herself completely, surviving off of drugs and alcohol & thinking to myself that the only option  left for me was death. living  2 months and a half in a psych ward & 7 months in a drug rehabilitation fighting my addiction.

I'm sitting here on my porch telling myself just how thankful I am to be alive and to have lived what I lived to be where I am today. I at 18 had the opportunity to discover myself, truly. Understand my fears & behaviors, why I have certain fears, and why I act another and confronting them. Start to love myself for who I am and know that I have worth, I have qualities I can have my own opinion and voice it, I can make my own choices and be confident in them, have self-control and know how to ask for my help and know that I'm worthy of that help, because we all are. Worth it. And throughout all my mistakes, downs, and failures I learned that I am good enough. That we simply are, just, good enough. And I use to forget that, I lead my life thinking that I wasn't worth shit, that nothing I did or will ever do could never be good enough, asking myself how can someone ever love me? I would act on my insecurities I feared judgment and rejection so I would wear these masks to hide my real identity, to be accepted and liked, to fit in. it got to the point where I didn't really even know who I was anymore. I was a person at school, a different one with my close friends than with my friends, with my family, at work, in sports... I would change the way I acted, dressed, and spoke. Just to be accepted and liked. It drained me, I couldn't realize that the only person I was playing was myself. The only person I was lying to was myself. I was the one going back home every night feeling exhausted, lost, sad, helpless, empty, alone. Through all of it, I feared being a burden to others so the thought of asking for my help and taking someone's time for me, never occurred to me. & it isn't our fault, we never had the chance to discover ourselves and understand who we are and why we do things a certain way, in school they don't teach us how to identify our feelings and emotions no wonder we cant manage them. We created defense mechanisms for us to survive without even being aware of it. I wish I had a magic wand where I could magically give all my loved ones and people all around the world, the knowledge that 7 months of intensive residential therapy taught me. I truly do. but life doesn't work that way and this is why I decided to write my story. Because if it can help one person in need, struggling out there, all of it will be worth it.

chapter 1, pending