Words Not Spoken

Part title

To my first love,

Today, I think of you fondly. The first day of government class I was thankful you walked in the door, giddy that you took a seat behind me. We all know I could play the dumb blonde at times but I have to admit, it was on purpose. Just to get you to talk to me. I asked for tutor sessions in hopes you would offer. You never did.

It was maybe a high school crush but I knew you were something special. For several years I snuck looks your direction and tried to "accidentally" bump into you. You were not the most popular kid in school, not the type I typically dated, but I always looked for you. When we broke off into class groups everyone kept asking if we were dating. The flirty side eye you gave me while we did our class work, then the shut down of "No, we are just friends,". Oh, you had to know that hurt. You were the smart kid that I figured was going places and I was the cheerleader everyone thought should end up with the jock. The opposite pulls from different social circles is the high school equivalent to Romeo and Juliet.

Let me tell you about the moment I fell in love with you and you broke my heart in the same day. My birthday. After school you talked me into going with you on a surprise. I happily accepted and looked forward to time spent outside of school. Until Jack decided to join, I am not sure how he was added to our afternoon.

You drove us to a barn where you introduced me to your horse, a large cream colored horse that stood tall and mighty and you handled with authority and care. It mesmerized me. 

"Jump on," you said. I remember looking at you with a confused look, this horse had no saddle. The laugh that escaped your lips caused me to blush in embarrassment. "It's fine, just ride with no saddle," you encouraged. My small frame stood next to this massive beast and you held your hands out cupped together. "Place your foot here, and I'll hoist you up,". Felt like you just about threw me over the horse then.

Finally up on the horse and you grabbed the reins walking us down a narrow trail I felt light and free. No pressure of being in the center of the lights and propped up with Pom poms. "Ready to run?" You asked pulling me from my oasis.

"Are you kidding me?!" The sheer look of panic was not a yes answer like you thought. Jack jumping around next to us trying to be apart of our conversations only encouraged you on. You tried to get the horse to trot and I held on for dear life. Guess my panic laugh - screams - they were screams, were enough to stop. I can still hear your deep laugh and the look of joy in your eyes. Seeing my discomfort, you held your hands out to help me get off the horse. Of course, thanks to Jack, he distracted you and you didn't quite catch me as I awkwardly slid off. My foot got caught and I ripped my pants. We all heard the sound of my embarrassment. You seemed to glow in the light of this embarrassment. I sat on the ground as we all laughed and I know my cherry red face was not hard to miss. You held your hands out helping me up and giving me your sweater. You moved a stray hair from my face and I looked up at you adoringly, hoping to convey my feelings with a single look. A moment that could've been more, was interrupted by Jack, again. I realized that these moments we both probably wanted were not going to happen. We put the horse up and we headed back so you could drop me at my car. I had convinced you to let me drive your Jeep, a manual engine. I was so confident that I could drive that even through a weary tone you obliged. I stalled out every time I eased off the clutch. Your laugh at me was contagious and I loved to hear it. When I finally threw in the towel, waived the white flag, surrendered to the day of my embarrassment, I walked away assured that this dumb cheerleader couldn't compare to a brilliant mind that you deserved.

The next morning I had just gotten home from a run when you pulled in my drive way. "I have a gift for you," you said, handing me a green velvet jewelry box. Inside lay a gold necklace with a gold cowgirl boot attached. "For my cowgirl" you said and my heart beat wildly. You couldn't stay, as much as I wanted you to, so you waved goodbye with a promise to call. I watched you drive away from me in your red Jeep Wrangler and wished you had taken me with you.

I didn't hear from you again. I went an entire summer in hopes of a call and not once did I get what I wished for. Senior year I hoped you walk in that classroom door, but you didn't.

I passed you in the hall and hoped to catch your eye. I didn't. My tender heart broke that you didn't look back. 

A few years ago we reconnected on social media and I was thrilled to see you doing so well in life. We spoke of that day and laughed again at my awkwardness. We said our "Talk to you later" knowing that we wouldn't.

If you could see this and the truth then you will know; still to this day, I have that golden necklace. I wear it on my birthday as a reminder of a day that was filled with laughter and no pressure. At the end of the day, I place it in the velvet green box, and place it gently in my jewelry box.

I'd like to say thank you for a day of laughs and I hope you are well - the boy that turned into a man that I had secretly loved all those years.

From, Me
~I loved you first~

I sign my name and fold up the paper. I look out my back yard as the fireflies fill the summer night air. My fingers dance with the golden necklace and the cowgirl boot charm. Taking a sip of my wine I focus back on the small fire from the fire pit that my husband built. I lean in and toss the letter watching it burn into ash.

The happy birthday song echoes behind me and I turn to my husband and kids who carefully walk towards me with a messy cake they made earlier. My husband looks at me with tired eyes and I thank him in return for the effort of today. I kiss my kids head and blow out my candles. "It's a secret," I whisper when they ask me what I wished for. Truth be told, there is no wish.

We eat the cake and get our girls to bed. I place the necklace in the green velvet box and put it away for another year. I lay next to my husband face to face and stare at the man I've cared after for these several years. His fragile frame and sunken eyes. "Thank you for today," I say as gently stroke his face. He nods and closes his eyes, exhausted from today.

We stopped laughing many years ago when cancer treatments started. It's been a tough road for us.

I smile and think that though I loved you first, I will love him last.