aesthete | 𝐥𝐚𝐫𝐫𝐲 𝐬𝐭𝐲𝐥𝐢𝐧𝐬𝐨𝐧 [EN]

05 |𝑙𝑜𝓊

𝑎𝑒𝑠𝑡ℎ𝑒𝑡𝑒
05 | ʟᴏᴜ

As soon as the cameras were turned off and Niall had put his guitar aside again, I got up all of a sudden and pushed my way through some random doors. I didn't even say a word.

Never gonna be the same 'cause you're half the world away.

The lyrics of the song circled through my head in endless loops. It had been more than seven years since I had written it and yet the memories felt so fresh.  So fresh that they were almost vulnerable.

I had never been asked if I was okay with the fact that of all songs we were going to play exactly this one. But I couldn't blame anyone, because no one could have known what the lyrics were really about - or rather who they were about.

» Just some girl from back then, you know, from school. It was nothing meaningful, but, hey, what girl doesn't get excited when you write a song about her?  «

This is the kind of nonsense I had told everyone back then. And at the same time, I had forced an annoying grin on my face, which was apparently so convincing that the others shook their heads and dragged the demo recording on the screen directly into the paper bin. I still remembered the way I felt. And how a damn mouse click had taken the only possibility I would have had to express my feelings about Louis' without much questioning.

"Harry, what's up with you?"

I looked up and found myself in an equipment room. It was small, cramped and only lit up by a pale light above me, but I was totally fine with that.  I didn't need to turn around to see who had followed me since his voice had been echoing in my mind all afternoon.

With a deep breath I closed my arms tightly around my stomach. I felt him gently put one hand on my shoulder, "and now please don't tell me another one of your bad lies." I pressed my lips together and nodded weakly. He had always been quite good at judging whether I meant something honestly or not.

"I can't do this anymore, Lou. I really thought I was over it, but I was wrong. So wrong." Those words on my lips felt incredibly strange. I turned around to Louis and looked straight into his eyes, causing him to let go of my shoulder. My hands were still clasping my forearms.

"Do you mean the boys or One Direction?" he asked me.

"Neither."

"Then what is it?"

"Damn it, I can't manage to look the person I love in the eyes normally without feeling that either my heart or my mind is about to explode."

I had said those words faster than I had thought them through. Just as they had come to my mind.  I took a sharp breath and squeezed my eyes together, since I didn't want Louis to see me crying. I had never wanted that.

He took a step back, let his head down and nodded slightly. "I didn't know you were in love, Harry. And I know I'm probably the last person you'd ask for advice, but if it really weighs on you that much, maybe you should tell her. Assume she doesn't know yet." The corners of his mouth twitched faintly when he looked up at me again.

"Why should I, when I know for sure he wouldn't feel the same? What would be the point of that?" I was so overwhelmed by the situation that the mistake I had made in this question only became clear to me when Louis pointed it out.

"He?"

I ran both palms across my face. I was already aware that there was no way out of this conversation, nor a great excuse that would reverse what I had said. So I nodded instead, while my gaze crossed his again.  "Yes, he", I confessed.

It didn't take Louis more than a few seconds to put one and one together. "Oh, I see," he grabbed the back of his neck with one hand, "you don't have to tell me who it is. And I'll keep this conversation between you and me, of course." Nervously, I drew my lower lip between my teeth, "it's okay. I will tell him. I'm just not quite sure how."

"In any case, you should have a conversation only with him in private. Not necessarily today, but sometime when you feel ready and the opportunity arises. And you should better not think too much about what you should say. No big fuss, no tales from the past, just what's on your mind." He smiled again, but I kept trying to hold back the tears in my eyes. "But I'm so afraid of his reaction, Lou."

"You don't have to be. We all care about you so much, Harry, even if you don't always see it that way yourself," he said in a calm voice. For a little while, I just stood there and looked at him. "I really trust you, do you know that?" - "Yeah, I do. You're a human being and your feelings are what they are. It' s who you are, and there's nothing wrong with that." Instead of my shoulder he was now reaching for my hand.

"And maybe that's exactly why I love you so much."