Wish You Were Here

Part 27: Despair in the Departure Lounge

I can feel every moment slipping through my fingers faster than the last.

There's no way for me to tell him how scared I really am... so I put on my bravest face for the boys and hope to god he doesn't see right through me.

Each day slipped by quicker than the last, and now so suddenly the boys will be boarding a plane tomorrow. Three whole months they'll be gone and I don't know how to fucking do this without him. I talked to Ray and she's scared shitless that Connor will show up again. I didn't tell her how terrified I am, I know she's right that he could just show up here and bang on my door. I've been careful... never opening without checking who it is. I triple checked the locks and even added an extra one. There's this feeling I get at night though, a feeling that weighs so heavy on my chest it's like I could sink through the floor. I don't want to know what that will feel like when Calum is gone. He hasn't let me stay here alone since that night. My nightmares are back again and without the security of his arms around me I don't think I'll ever sleep again.

I know there's nothing we can do. He has to go, and I care too much about him and the band to let him jeopardize anything for me. The boys need him, the fans need him, but I need him too.

Ever since that night I've felt the walls closing in on me again. I never know if I'm worrying enough, or if I'm worrying too much.

"Cass, baby please talk to me. What's wrong?" His soft voice whispers in my ear from his place behind me.

We're currently together in my bed with his arms wrapped around me.

"Nothing. I'm fine." I lie and hope that it sounds more convincing to him than it did to me. I've always been shit at keeping my emotions off of my face and out of my voice.

"Don't lie to me, angel please. I know something is bothering you and I know I'm leaving. I don't want to leave here knowing you're not okay. I don't want to leave you at all but i have to." He lets out a sigh and runs his hands through his hair, I know it's a sign of stress for him and I feel the familiar pang of guilt.

I try my best to swallow the lump in my throat. I know he can read me like an open book, he has since the day we met. I take a deep breath in a weak attempt to calm my nerves.

"I'm scared, Cal. I'm scared for so many reasons like what if you don't want me anymore when you come back, what if something happens to you while you're on tour? I can't pretend that I'm not scared that...t-that I'm not scared Connor will come back here again when I'm alone." I take another shaky breath before deciding to continue.

"And on top of all of my fears I'm going to miss you so fucking much and I don't think I'm ready for that." I feel his hold on me tighten even more, physically his grip around my waist, and emotionally his hold on my heart.

"I wish I didn't have to go. I-I don't want to leave you here Cassandra. I'll be worried sick every minute I'm gone. There's absolutely no way I won't want you anymore baby and I don't want you thinking that. I promise that I'll come right back here for you. I'll call you every day until you're sick of me, I promise. I need you to promise me that if anything happens while I'm gone that you'll tell me. I don't give a shit if I have to get off stage in the middle of a show. If that piece of shit hurts you I'm coming home."

I squeeze my eyes shut to will the tears away. My chest is tight and a lump too big to swallow is rising in my throat. I turn myself around, forcing his arms to loosen from my waist just so that I can bury my face into his chest. I choke out a small sob, his one arm immediately returns to a tight grip while the other cradles the back of my head.

"It'll be okay, Cass. I promise I'll come home as soon as I can, love." He shushes me and places soft kisses on my temple.

I'm scared to sleep knowing that when I wake up we have to say goodbye. It's late and my tired eyes are losing the will to fight as the tears stop. I drift into a restless sleep, haunted by the cracking of bones and spill of blood.

— — —

It's five in the morning and we're in the van with the boys driving to the airport. Cal and I sat in the back as close as possible to each other, my head on his shoulder and his arm around me. In front of us Ash and Ray are positioned similarly, her and I both obviously emotional wrecks.

It's all moving too fast and I feel like I'm not even here. He's leading me through the airport, checking their bags, and chatting with the boys and Ray. It's like I can't move or speak, I'm just here physically. Eventually we make it to the place we have to part ways so the boys can go to security.

I say goodbye to Ash first so he can go focus on Rachel. I get a big hug from Luke, and tell him to be good on tour, making both of us laugh a bit. Then I say goodbye to Michael, who had quickly become one of my closest friends.

"I'll call you everyday if you want me to. I'll keep Cal on his best behavior and smack the shit out of him if he even thinks of acting up." He whispers to me as he hugs me almost too tightly. I pull away and he smiles at me, knowing I can't help but smile back.

"I love you so much, Cass. If you ever need me for anything at all just call me." I nod and blink back the tears gathering in my eyes, we share one more quick hug before him and Luke walk through the gate.

I finally turn to Cal,

"I'll miss you so much." It comes out quiet, my voice thick with sadness.

He doesn't say anything at first, he just engulfs me in a hug, burying his face into my neck.

"I'm going to miss you more than I've ever missed anyone. I don't want to go." His voice cracks, and my heart is breaking. I have to be strong so that he can feel alright leaving... even if I'm not strong.

"I'll be okay. You have to go make all of your fans happy, Cal." He tightens his arms around me even more but I feel him nod slightly, letting me know he agrees.

I swallow all of my tears down and put on my best smile for him as we separate. I reach up to cup his cheek,

"I'm so proud of everything you do. Take care of yourself and the other boys for me and Ray."

He wipes his eyes, nodding to me again. He returns my smile weakly, before kissing me quickly. He practically has to drag Ashton away from a sobbing Rachel. I tend to her as the boys wave to us before passing through the gate.

Once she's calmed down enough we return to the van that will take us to our car at the boys house. That's it, they're gone and we're going back home... and I won't see him for who knows how long.

I just hope he keeps his promises.