Melancholia

XXII. | Thoughts of a Girl Who Once Loved Too Dearly

19th April, 2014 - 12:44am

"These memories are like a disease, I can't forget; it's rooted too deeply into my brain. Nothing ever gets easier, nothing heals the wounds, that's just a lie they tell you to make you feel better. You only forget the purpose of it and the way you and him used to speak, but never the way you and him used to be. I don't know. It's just so strange... So weird. People are so fragile but they don't like to seem weak. I guess I can relate, but I don't want to be like most. I don't want to fit in with these imbeciles. People take this world for granted. I don't like showing people how I feel anymore myself. I'm growing accustomed to living in this world of mine, my own world, that I have created in my own messed up head using the scent of flowers I have remembered, hopes of a mending heart and the fascinating thought of traveling from star to star, as if that were possible at this point in time. I don't want any salvation anymore. I don't want to be protected, I want to feel it all. I want to stand on the edge and feel the wind, knowing that theres a possible chance that I might fall. I don't care anymore. Reality is dumb. I live in the stars. I am a star, just yet not a burning supernova. Slowly, I shall too forget him, just like the way his new girl eventually will. Just like the way he erased me... But I've learnt from this, and I suppose, truly, I'll never forget the way 'we' were. Perhaps I simply loved too much. Maybe I did not show the same love he expected externally, but I tried so hard, and I loved him regardless from within. I don't remember why we didn't work out, guess it was a tragic kind of love, it was a heart-tearing, tear-shedding kind, the love derived from another person's pure lust. The destructivity from all the doubts flickering in your mind, though I don't think it matters anymore as to why. Maybe he'll never learn... Ah, so be it. Let him live his simplistic, ideal oblivious life and break hearts. It's no longer my problem, nor sadly, any of my business, since he basically totally erased me. It's okay, IT'S OKAY, I REPEAT, IT'S TOTALLY FUCKING OKAY. I don't need to be happy or whole to think and do things anymore. At least I can make out with 7 different guys now and not feel guilty, right? Oh, I don't know. I'm just going to have to continue on. I don't need anyone. I don't want to need anyone. Because no one cares, really. I give up, but I won't let it make it dumb and oblivious (like him). I will acknowledge the sting of it, admire the scars, for it makes me who I am. It shows my experiences. It shows my story. It shows that, sadly, I'm a human, and that one day, I will become a burning supernova in the sky too... One day... I'll be more. I'll be incandescent and indestructible."

- The Thoughts of a Girl Who Once Loved Too Dearly (past midnight, right before she starts crying)

(a.g.)

A little something I wrote after a major heartbreak.