teddy's boy

1. still ill

her breath, hot and humid, cut through the frigid morning air onto to my bare neck. my back is pressed further into a thick beam of iron when our bodies come flush together, its rusted texture digging into my spine. her skin felt plush against my chapped lips and our mouths interlocked with passionless, mechanical aggression. she bit my lip and it stung, pricking through my skin. i furrowed my brow and steadied my wavering breath, allowing her to continue with growing ferocity.

the relationship wasn't enjoyable for either of us, but it was familiar. i was too desperate to stop. my pleas, prayers to god and every being in the universe to make me feel anything fell on deaf ears time and time again. maybe if i kept forcing it for longer, i could eventually learn to love the feeling. does the body rule the mind or does the mind rule the body? i don't know. i can only hope that sheer will alone can replace my crooked thoughts.

muddled footsteps drew louder with each step, but we paid no mind. truthfully, i wished to be seen, to appear normal. just to pretend to be like any teenage couple painfully in love, sneaking out for a forbidden rendezvous under the iron bridge. the footsteps retreat and a grizzled voice muttered "fucking kids". giddiness surged within me, my heart fluttering at the recognition. it was the closest thing i felt to love that day.

overhead, a deafening screech of metal-on-metal filled the still air and she pulled away to cup her hands over her ears. the bridge's structure groaned and shuddered under the click of heavy wheels, its vibrations hammered into my spine and sent a cold chill throughout my body. it's horn droned on, howling in the wind until it faded into oblivion. she sighed and climbed onto the weathered stone wall, pulling her propped knee close for warmth.

"i hate that goddamn train"

a pulsing sensation as clear as a heartbeat from my lips stole my attention and i only gave her a shallow nod. i put a finger to my mouth, it tingled like static and felt burning to the touch from the blood rush against my blue hands. with the slightest pressure, a sore ache blossomed on my lips.

something felt... off. a pit in my stomach grew, the pain was sickening. this was not the first time i ended up with sore lips. no, this wasn't like the old days anymore, my heat told me i could no longer lie to myself. i cannot cling to my old dreams anymore. am i still ill?

"hey, ollie"
her voice, loud but hollow, shook me from my thoughts like a cold gust of wind.

"why are you so keen on calling me that, nobody calls me that, not even my mum"

she took out a pack of cigarettes and offered me one after popping one between her lips. her fingers fumbled with the lighter, hands shivering from the cold.

i shook my head at the proposition and sat on an adjacent brick wall.

muffled by the cigarette, she muttered
"i dunno, it's funny, innit?"

sighing, i gave up the matter. i wouldn't have to deal with it much longer, anyway.

her trembling fingers failed to ignite the lighter after three more tries, i finally went over to help and lit it up for her. a gust of smoke went up into my face, its putrid stench made my face contort as i suppressed a cough.

"lottie, why do you smoke? you used to find it rancid"

she hesitated as though she searched hard for an honest answer. with a vacant stare, she replied
"cause i'm wishing for an early death"

the sincerity in her voice caught me off guard. i stiffened, unsure how to react. despite her candid confession, i chuckled and nervously played it off as a joke
"oh, wouldn't we all like to die before exam season"

after a moment of grueling silence, she half-heartedly snickered and draped an arm around herself, sinking deeper into her plaid wool blazer.

only the distant sounds of cars and birdsong rang through the crisp autumn day. the sweet scent of wet earth soothed my worries as we sat in pleasant silence, even the smell of smog and cigarette smoke felt welcome in this moment.

i could sit there forever on that crumbling, mossy stone wall. my freezing hands and nose didn't even phase me, as they fell numb long ago. i wish i could melt into the landscape and become one with the barren branches and multicolor leaves that grace the ground.

but i must go to class tomorrow. my parents are threatening to take my walkman away if i get another absence. i'll loose my only escape. if i could choose, i wouldn't bother partaking in this perpetual hell of so-called education. nobody would. i know there are brighter sides to life than whatever bleak future beholds me. i've seen them when i pass by that old factory club, neon light shining from the inside where people can be free, young, and alive. all i want is to run off to a city steeped in culture- paris, tangier, tokyo, berlin- where i could simply exist without fear. you hear tales of kids packing up and fleeing to london, finally shanking off this dim, weary town, but not very often.

a single raindrop soaked into my denim jacket's sleeve, then dozens suddenly dropped from the sky. lottie hopped down and smothered her cigarette into the damp ground.

"shit, better get home, huh"
she futilely shielded her hands atop her ash brown hair and began to head down the gravel path.
pausing for a moment, she looked back and nodded
"bye, oliver. see you tomorrow."

*internalized homophobia 🤩😼🤕🤕LOL idk what i'm doing but yeah angsty bullshit. i hope the first person past tense/sometimes present tense kinda journal like format wasn't too distracting or like dumb but yea. fuck i'm finally done it took forever 🥵 stay tuned