note felix has anterograde amnesia.
"FELIX, YOU LEFT THE water boiling again." a voice called softly from the kitchen. felix didn't remove his gaze from the tv in front of him. the people onscreen moved their lips in the shapes of words but to him it just sounded like static. he wasn't really fully paying attention, anyway-he probably wouldn't retain any of the information if he did.
"felix, did you hear me?" the voice said again.
"um, no," felix mumbled. the source of the voice appeared next to the tv. felix kept his eyes on the pixels; he didn't like the way his boyfriend looked at him. it was a mix of pity and sadness and eggshell carefulness. minho kind of treated him like that mug he broke last week because he forgot he'd put it on the armrest-he remembered that because they couldn't get the hot chocolate stain completely out of the carpet-and he hated it.
"you left the water boiling. again,"
"oh." felix fidgeted. he always felt bad when he forgot things. it wasn't his fault that stuff like did i leave the water boiling? or did i forget to lock the front door? just seemed to melt out of his ears. that's what jisung liked to call it-melting out of his ears. felix liked that. it made it sound less... scary.
"it's okay, i turned the stove off. don't worry about it. it's hot, though, if you still want tea," minho said quickly, sensing that felix felt bad. he tentatively walked over and sat on the opposite side of the couch, as far as he could be from felix as if he was going to bite him for getting too close. there was the walking on eggshells again. felix sighed out baby's breath and stars and turned back to the boring, gray tv screen. the show was bland. he didn't even know what was happening. minho was being especially quiet. he usually was, but today it just felt even quieter. it was almost like he was home alone.
felix glanced down at his phone screen. the photo was one of him and minho, before all the forgetting and suffocating quietness and breakable porcelain. it was twelve a.m. he looked up, actually looked at minho. he was surprised at how tired he looked. his hair was messier than felix remembered it being and there were heavy bags under his eyes. it made the sick feeling that seemed to constantly be in the pit of felix's stomach worse. did i...do that? he wondered, not really sure if he wanted the answer.
usually the silence didn't hurt this much. maybe felix really was as fragile as that mug. he rubbed his arms a little, frowning when memories of cuddling with minho on the couch while they watched movies pushed their way to the front of his brain. he grabbed the throw blanket-the teddy bear soft one he'd insisted they get when they were shopping for their new apartment-and wrapped it around his shoulders, but it wasn't the same. minho hadn't hugged him in a long time. he missed it. having his boyfriend's arms around him felt like walking into a warm bakery or curling up by a fireplace during winter or drinking a cup of good tea. tea. tea. oh!
he pushed himself off the sofa and stumbled over the blanket on the way to the kitchen. the kettle was still on the burner and placed beside it, out on the countertop, was a mug. it was felix's favorite, the one covered in watercolor cats that jisung had gotten him. he remembered minho used to say it was the kind of mug a grandma would have. there was already a teabag in it, too-the earl grey he'd originally bought years ago because he thought the tin was cute but ended up loving. he didn't think he'd left it out for himself before but he probably just forgot. it wasn't the first time.
it was nearly a year since his accident. he didn't like talking about it, or even thinking about it. not just because it made his brain all fuzzy and his thoughts not stick in his head but because it was why minho was all... weird. it started with him being overprotective. he'd have a downright panic attack if felix left the house without telling him. he hardly let him go anywhere unless it was to jisung's. cars were a huge no. it was suffocating. felix felt like his lungs were being crushed and ripped, on top of the already piercing headaches he used to get constantly. he finally snapped one day and yelled at minho until his voice went hoarse and he collapsed on the ground from the head pain. the worst part was that minho didn't even say anything. he just carried felix to their bed, tucked him in like a baby, and cried in the bathroom for an hour. felix heard it. he didn't think minho knew that.
