Everyone Has A Story.

My darling Narcissist

My first encounter was when I heard a friend's story of one. How these people, to the rest, would come out as the best yet deep down are the worst. How they have mastered the true art of camouflaging; which technically is the summary of my first love. A person I still love, still see the good in and surprisingly owe half of my self awareness to. Yeah, the irony is very hard to pass by. He's not really in my best of books though. I have to be honest, hearing my friend's story didn't hit me that much. Well, she is my good friend, I did empathise with her, but it hits differently when it's your own shoe.

For starters a narcissist is a person who is extremely concerned with their desires, needs or interests, often overlooking the rest. Ring a bell? Well, welcome to the gossip table. Please bring a hot cup of coffee with you as we proceed. (That's for those who do not relate to anything coming with an alcoholic percentage on it.) Moving on!

My best friend, confidant, pillar, he pretty much had all the qualities of the perfect boyfriend. Oh yeah, an actor who knew his lines well, how could I forget that. It was the one quality I kept on passing by, or maybe it was swept under the rag and was given to me in doses, enough to keep me hooked but still doubt myself at the same time. Does he even know what he does? I don't really know. Maybe it's still the dose working on me. Ha!

After the long chase, the push and pull, the self doubt, the blaming myself. See these people have a way of serving you a knife into your gut but carefully plated in a well prepared dish of love, handsomeness, romance, remorse and a good amount of anaesthesia as the appetizer, which in fact, I'm just waking up from. Any who, after all that, I finally decided to tell him off. There's an old adage that goes, "When they show you their bad side, believe them the first time." I second this, you best believe them. Please sip your coffee slowly as we have a long way to go.

Like I said, the perfect guy, my dream guy. It took me sometime to know that. I came with so much insecurities from my past relationships that clouded my judgement at that time. This is an entire story for another day. He called them my bubble. That I never really dated before. He gave me time to deal with them, to heal, time to find myself. To really define who I am. Time to be free. So romantic of him right? Maybe. It might also have been his way to know who I was. What better way than to connect with her at her most vulnerable state. Create enough comfort to bring her close. It worked. The me that is so hard to crack finally gave in. I began liking him. Guys, the road to friendship has an end. I did get there and in that moment, there was no other road but the dating road. The adventurous and risk taker in me didn't even think twice.

My life was perfect. I was living my dream, me in a castle as the princess surrounded by my prince. One who could finally handle all my craziness. I was happy. He spared nothing from the dating book. The dates, the romantic dinners, the flowers, the gifts that were always wrapped as surprises. He was good because I never saw them coming. Come to think of it, I do love surprises. Told you, too much self awareness. He did it all. Not forgetting the icing on the already perfect cake, romance, the sweet words. Yes I know what I said, romance.

If you've been to the girl's board meetings, you'd be aware of the fact that we keep score. You know, just in case the world does come to an end and we have to chose that one guy you'd want a one last encounter with before you die, all factors held constant. Well, he was top of my list; my number one. I wasn't left behind either. I gave him my all. See, we women perfectly understand reciprocation. It's like a switch hidden somewhere, always waiting to be turned on. Once we are showered with love, we do our best to match up to the energy if not go overboard. You'd probably want to have the whole jug of coffee around you since you're starting to realize a cup won't be enough. Brace yourself for the next part.

"I am trying to figure out what exactly I want in life and it's sad because while I'm at it, I can't continue with us. I guess this is it" Now that I read that out loud, my eyes are almost popping out of their sockets! He actually uttered those words. Did I cry, No. Neither did I laugh. Somehow, my gut has good shock absorbers due to the overwhelming experience it has had to go through during my former years. That gut came in handy in this case. Don't get me wrong it still hurt like hell.

The push and pull began, I tried to find a reason why. "How could someone I know so well just walk away? The excuse doesn't even make sense right?" I kept on asking myself. "There must be something wrong. Something he does not know how to tell me yet." I went back, trying to be the good old loyal girlfriend supporting his sweet Prince through his tough times. I couldn't just walk out of my perfect castle because of a war I was facing. I had to fight for my kingdom. I did everything, called, looked for him, I even prayed. But I was a giver naturally and my good actor knew all that. He knew I won't give up on us that easily.

It was the plan all along. I was to push farther and farther until I loose myself. Yeah, and he would gladly help me go down that road. I'd hold on, he'd intentionally show me that he's not interested, sometimes be rude, or all times, who remembers. And when I'd try to accept the reality, he'll come right back and be really nice, you know, the push and pull. It's as if the knife wasn't in deep enough for him. He had to push it farther. I finally woke up. I wasn't under the influence of his anaesthetics anymore. Then it dawned on me. I was dealing with a narcissist. I was never going to win. My peace of mind is what mattered. Sadly to only me. My kingdom came crushing down and reality kicked in. Suddenly, I wasn't interested in the main course meal anymore. It was time, I had to pull out the dagger, stitch myself up and move on. Yes, I had once again come to the end of that road. I had to take another one. My road.

Do I still love him? Yes. Will I ever stop? I don't know. What I know is I have my boundaries and everyone should. It starts from the day you feel like you are being treated less than what you truly deserve. We might never see it coming. Well, no one ever comes engraved with a narcissist logo on their foreheads. If wishes were horses, we could have dodged a bullet here. My encounter clearly defined what I want and when to draw the line.

My clouded days were painful, full of thoughts. I don't really cry and if I did maybe I would have. They were simply awful. No one deserves to be treated like a fool. They were also insightful. I did realise their one key tool is dominance.

Unfortunately, no one should dominate in a functional relationship. It is never a single person's affair. The value and worth of the other person is paramount. Their views and perspectives are equally important. Also, love is a commitment that will be tested in the most vulnerable areas. In fact, the quality of commitment that love demands maybe, can be equated to that which Jesus demonstrates in His relationship to us. If you can't show that kind of commitment then don't waste someone's time.

Lastly, anyone who is really in love with you can't stay a day without hearing from you. No one is ever that busy trust me. If they really want you they'll make time.

Now I didn't expect lessons. It was going to be a good story, one that I'll read to myself in future, probably lying on a mat in some beach in my dream vacation, laughing, seeing how far I've come and just move on. But then what is life without it's juxtapose ups and downs? Or what exactly did Shakespeare say? Maybe this is what is termed as moving on.