Everyone Has A Story.

A Fresh Something...

You know, come to think of it, I should have just asked you to come with a bottle of strong wine. Underline Strong! Clearly that coffee won't suffice. I am here laughing at myself, how I thought it would be easy to move on after writing about it once. Don't blame me. I hear writing is therapeutic. It somehow heals wounds. Well, not all wounds, as I am learning and as sure as hell, not a broken heart.

I thought realizing that I'm dealing with a sweet handsome, { yes he's still handsome 🙄} narcissist would make me move on peacefully. It just dawned on me as I write how far I am from my healing, from being okay with what happened.

"So things are really starting to shape up and I thank God for that." He said, with an innocent yet somehow guilty smile painted all over his face. "Why are you here?" I couldn't hold it back. I just had to ask. Yes, we did meet. He had asked to see me and talk things over. I was curious enough to bite. I had to know what he'll say. "I needed to know how you're faring on. Also, I felt like you had it all wrong. I need you to understand that it had nothing to do with another girl." Again the innocent yet guilty smile smeared all over his face, this time, guilt domineered. 

My brain cells, at this rate, were holding a meeting trying to figure out how stupid I was to believe what he just said or how patient I should be to let him finish or take the unspoken road, the dramatic one, to just slap his ass off the chair for thinking I'll buy that crappy explanation. My face and my mouth probably didn't get the memo for the meeting judging from their response. "Oh, I see." I answered, half attentive, half confused.

Sorry for those optimistic friends of mine. I love you for your positivity but today, the trophy isn't yours. He left again. He didn't even try to spice it up and make the second leaving any different. Same knife, same thrust. 

Ever heard of the adage, once bitten twice shy, because if you fool me once, shame on you but twice, that's on me? I believe these were not written to make us feel bad or rather make some old looking fellas, (I am assuming they were guys) probably with kikos busy puffing tobacco and seated in some circle with brittle sticks for support  feel even wiser. It was to remind us of the fact that if someone  was able to push a dagger into your stomach and by the Most High's grace you managed to pull it out and actually healed doesn't mean that when they get the opportunity they might not do it again.  

A reality that most of us try not to see even when it's painted in plain black and white. One that so many of us really do our best to cloud with a fantasy that will never be.  A fantasy that he will change, he needs my help or if only I could be more patient and not judge too much. Some call it denial. One that had sucked me to the realm of not even realizing how much I had lost myself, or worse, I didn't know what I stood for anymore.

As I slowly sip my Muscat, a series of thoughts are crossing my mind. Breaking up. It happens kind of suddenly. One minute, you're holding hands walking down the street, and the next minute, you're lying on the floor crying your heart and soul out. Someone, actually compared a broken heart to death, and I couldn't agree more. Then why do we rush it? why do we force ourselves to swallow the bitterness that comes with it and quickly declare ourselves okay or moved on or the common phrase, new me? Why did I think that it was going to be easy?

Still sipping your strong wine? I didn't forget you. Just to boil down your curiosity. He did come back, the third time. He is a narcissist.  It should have been obvious he will. Not this time though. Heartbroken, with my fantasy slowly turning into a reality, I chose me. The me I couldn't define yet. I chose the hardest road, finding me again.

This was quite a journey. Not as easy as it sounds. Finding yourself after a toxic relationship isn't like taking a walk in the park. I stayed with a friend, boring her with the same old conversations every time and again. I ate, stopped working out. I am not much of a tears person. If I was, probably I will need a whole bucket to replenish the much tears I'd have lost. I am the romantic movie type though. I know a couple of you are as well. Just to get you off that sickening feeling that he left. Or is it that when we see someone else going through the same in these movies we kind of feel better someone can relate? Maybe.

But that's the thing, a heartbreak has no timeline, do all you must. Cry. Find a friend you can bore to death with all your plans of the thunders, curses and ninja assassins you'd send to now the most hated person like I did. Rebound if you have to. I'm not the one to judge. Well maybe just be careful not to be reckless about it. By reckless I mean a bun in the oven or diseases. Go out. Get drunk. Write until you heal. Apparently it works.

 My point is, when you're broken, accept that you are broken and that you need time to be reborn. Do not fight the pain, embrace it. Accept it. Live it and re-live it. Again and again. Don't rush the process. Take your time, because if you don't, you will keep on projecting your traumas on others. Especially when you've been with a narcissist before.

If we are honest with ourselves, it's never really letting go of the past that is the problem. Its always coming to terms with letting go of a possible future that will not be. The mind will always want to keep its fantasies even when they are unhealthy and cruel. To let go of the past you must let go of the future that will not be and live in the present. To do that, you have to learn not to hold on because you think there'll be no one else. 

They'll always be someone else boo. You've got to believe that you're worth more than being repeatedly hurt by someone who doesn't really care. Believe that someone out there will see what you're really worth and will treat you the way you deserve. 

I acknowledge that I am far from healing. I have those days that he still clouds my mind, the good times, the happy times the how could he do that to me times. I do and I am okay with that. It's proof enough that I am human and I have feelings and that feelings pass. I am past the whining phase, still discovering myself though and that's okay too. There's really no timeline for a heartbreak.

Just to borrow notes from my journey, recognize a relationship is over and let it go. It is not really your responsibility to babysit people's insecurities or bad behaviour.  Accept the person  and the situation for exactly what it is and for who they show you they truly are, by their actions not what the say. Allow yourself to gracefully exit situations that are toxic. You are not obligated to slow down your bloom so they can meet you at a level they are comfortable. Your growth is far too important to dim the light within you for someone still trying to find their own. Choose you. Broken and weak, hurt and depressed choose you.