you were never mine [zosan os]

you were never mine - part one.

Dear Zoro.
I had never thought I'd write you a letter, but here I am. I don't, actually, know how to start this. I'm... kinda crying, oh my God, I'm a fucking mess. I am sorry.
We're friends, right? I mean, we always fight, but I now that deep down in your heart, you love me. Maybe not that much, but you do.
Anyways, I'm just trying to tell you something. I was never able to tell you personally, I was too scared and too shy. Or coward, I don't know. It's been two months since I knew it, I did not tell anyone but Luffy and Nami-swan. I made them promise me they would not tell you, but since it's happenning tomorrow, I guess they will. I am sorry, again, that I haven't told you, I am so sorry. I am sorry because you got to know it by the others and not by me. I'm sorry because I didn't leave any explanation to you.

I am sorry because I am leaving and I never told you anything.

Yup. You read that. Tomorrow morning, I am leaving and we'll probably never see each other again. I am not coming back here, and I'll never see you unless you come to visit me. But I don't think you'll ever do... I am, like, going to the other side of the world, I don't think you'll ever be able to reach me. Maybe you won't even wanna do that, and that's okay, it's fine, I already accepted it two months ago.
But I don't wanna leave with this weight I keep on my stomach, and I want you to know everything I didn't tell you before I'm gone. I'll explain everything to you, I swear, even the less important thing, from the very beginning. And I'm sorry if this is gonna leave you confused, and I am sorry that I'm saying this to you with a stupid letter, really. I am sorry for so many things, Zoro. I hope you forgive me, one day.

You came with the same violence of a hundred fists. So suddenly, so unexpectedly, and I hated you for this. When I first saw you, you had been stuck in my head all day long. I remember it like it was yesterday. You introduced yourself as Luffy's best friend and immediately made fun of me because if my curly eyebrows. I couldn't stand you, but damn you were just... mesmerizing. Your misterious figure, your walk, your body, your crazy green hair, your everything. So close and yet so distant, you were lost in your world. When I cooked for you, you never thanked me, probably you never realised that it was me who had made all those dishes for you. Neither you did when I used to bring you booze. I tried in so many ways to demostrate you something, that maybe, apart from being rivals, we could have been friends. But I don't think we've ever got to be friends. I've known you for one year and I don't know anything about, Zoro.
And yet, I loved you.

I was in love with you and you can't even understand how hard it was for me to admit that, even to myself. It was hard to accept that you would never return my feelings, and it was hard to accept that I could never tell you. You know why? Because I respected you - and I still do, moron.
I knew that I had no right to barge in your life like that without even knowing you, maybe you don't even like men, I just... couldn't do that. It would leave you too confused, and maybe it would have forced you to be someone you were not, and somewhere you did not want to be. I knew that would make you unconfortable, so I kept that for me. I don't know if you understand how much it hurt me. I suffered, God if I suffered. I spent most if my nights crying, desperately. I was so mad at me for letting myself fall in love with you. But you know what? Loving you has been the best feeling I've felt in my whole life. You were my first everything: first love, first heartbreak, first butterflies... and the thought that we could have been sometihing destroys me. If only I had been braver.
But now something has changed.

It's been a while since that feeling weakened. I didn't care if you didn't go out with us, after all. It's like... you had become a stranger to me. I think, maybe it's because I hadn't seen you for a while so I had time to think about myself. But even when you came back... I was hoping for those butterflies to fly again, but there was just nothing. As if you were just Luffy's best friend, nothing more. I just... it's hard to say that. I don't think I will forgive myself for letting this happen, but...
I don't love you anymore.
You're not in my head and I miss those feelings of serenity and fullness that only your presence was able to give me. You are just... Zoro... a stranger.
I didn't know anything about you, but I was in love with you. I was in love with a stranger, and I swear, Zoro, I swear you were the best thing that happened in my life. But I just don't feel anything anymore.

Or, maybe, actually there is something.
When I hear your name I still hope to feel that feeling that once used to fill me. When I hear people talking about you I just want to intervene and tell them how beautiful you are. I remember each of our moments, I can swear it, even if I don't love you. When I think about you, I just feel like we were something. As if we were together. Although you...

You were never mine.

And I was never yours, I guess, maybe you didn't even care about me at all.
I shall tell you a secret before I finish writing this letter and leave tomorrow.
Maybe I am just trying to convince myself that I don't love you anymore... but I think I'm gonna miss you like hell. I am afraid that being further will make me love you again. I hope you won't be mad at me.

I'm sorry.
Stay safe

Love cook.