Random Things I Write in My Notes

this was supposed to be a song

Since I was little, I always saw these beautiful people on the screen in such a lovely relationship
The girl would get so nervous, her stomach tying up in knots
The boy wanted nothing more than to plant kisses all over her and cuddle her through the night
Princess movies where she gets saved by a beautiful man, they fall in love, and live happily ever after
Books where two people get this fuzzy feeling for the first time ever
Where the other person consumes all their thoughts, day and night
Where just thinking of their face gives them butterflies
Where they fall into a puddle on the floor when one says a simple "Hello"
I've heard it told hundreds of times, seen it shown hundreds more
But...
I've never felt that way before
I've never burned with a longing for someone
I've never lost sleep thinking about them
I've never felt my knees buckle and melt at the sight of someone
There was second grade, when I thought I liked a boy
He had pretty silver-blond hair and was a football-in-the-field kind of kid
But he didn't like me all that much, so I stopped caring about boys for a while
Then there was sixth grade, the boy who would flirt with me in band class
Tall and tan, he had my attention for a while, but it was never that rush
Not much later, there was a boy who was dared to ask me out while I drew behind the slides on the playground
His dyed orange hair was different and interesting, but I lost interest quickly
Boy after boy, I think I find someone that will make me feel like I'm in a fairy tale
But I've never felt that magical spark
Yet there was one boy that probably brought me the closest to that feeling
That sense of nervousness and giddiness
I always felt kind of guilty being with him, he was my best friend's ex
But his silly nature, his kind smile, he drew me in
We had some good times, and I truly am grateful for that
But it wasn't meant to be, as I began, like in the past, to lose interest, but I didn't want to break it off
And I felt guilty about it, like I was leading him on
I just didn't want to hurt him
So I did something that probably hurt worse than a break up would
I ended up ghosting him, claiming it was school work keeping me from him
He was the first guy I was serious about
The first guy to be on my mind for more than half a second a day
The first guy that I wanted to hold hands with and do couple things together with
And for a moment, I thought I had finally gotten my knight in shining armour
I thought that I had found that spark I'd been looking for
I thought...
I found someone I'd want to be with forever
It's silly, right?
I mean, it was only eighth grade
I barely knew what I wanted to do for my freshman year of high school, let alone who I'd settle down with when I'm middle aged
It didn't feel like how all those romance movies made it seem like a crush would feel like
It was more like...
Attachment or admiration
What do you call that?
It wasn't me becoming a mess because of him, there wasn't a lump in my throat when I tried to talk to him
It wasn't what you'd describe as a crush
It wasn't love, even when we exchanged "I love you"s
We were children