On a cold rainy night, I was awakened by my dream. A dream that always reminded me of the pain from yesterday.
Phone rings...
"Hello Dad, are you coming home?"
"Sorry baby, I have a lot of patients who need me here today, especially in this pandemic daddy need to help them. Whenever you need something, call or text me, okay?"
"Okay!"
It's been almost 2 years now since we lost my mom. We are on our way home then suddenly a 10 wheeler truck hit our car. I thought my father could save my mom, but unfortunately, he failed. At first, that was the reason why I hated my dad, but a year after, I realized that maybe God needs an angel, then it was my mom, and it wasn't my dad's fault.
Since then, my mom is my best friend. She comforts me whenever I'm sad. She always supports me throughout everything. I was fed by her love so much. She never fails as a mother to me. When I lost her, it was like I am living a body without my soul. Crying every night and day makes me weak.
Through night and day, I was always at home alone for almost two years now but suddenly, out of curiosity, I entered into a relationship even though I am not yet ready for it, but I took the risk. I just wanted to try I know daddy allows me to do things that make me happy as well.
Phone rings...
Bea: Hello, Andrew?
Andrew: What do you want to eat?
Bea: Hmmmm, I want pizza!
Andrew: Okay, drinks?
Bea: Milktea, please?
Andrew. Okay, bye! I love you.
-Call ended-
Andrew is my friend's cousin. Since my dad always gets busy at his work, I give my full time to Andrew. I even stopped calling my dad two months ago because every time I wanted to talked to him and asked him questions, but he always said that he will call me back when he would have some vacant time, I am always waiting, but he always fails to update me how he is going on. He doesn't even bother to ask me how I am and what I am doing. It was like he forgets that he has a daughter that needs him and his presence.
When I am with Andrew, I always feel safe and secured. I even fall asleep in his arms when times I am down, sad, and worried especially, when I miss my mom so much. He always makes me happy, as my mom did. He always never forgets to tell me why I should continue my dreams and goals for the future. He stands as my mom and dad when no one does. His presence makes me love him deeper.
Every day he is always at home. I am happy. He is happy. We are happy together. We've made a lot of memories. I feel he is the one. I am used to it. I feel like I have nothing to ask for. Since I lost my mom, I've never been happier like this.
Doorbell rings...
"ding dong, ding dong, ding dong! "
I felt happy when I saw my grandparents. They are my mom's parents. And there we talked, they ask me how I am. I told them everything about how my life went through after I lost my mom. Yes, it was hard but accepting everything makes it fine.
It was a sunny Saturday afternoon I visited my mom's grave. I was alone because Andrew is doing some important matters at that time. When I am already at my mom's grave, I saw a plastic bag almost full of handwritten letters by my dad. I was coated with sadness when I read those letters. I was losing my mind. I am feeling the guilt, and it makes me cry so hard.
Despite my dad's schedule on his work, he still manages his time to write a letter for my mom. The letter was like a daily diary to inform my mom everything. In his letters, he stated there the happenings of his work, the times I called him, and the struggles he faced.
I was crying and crying while reading my dad's letter. Thinking that I am so cruel. I only think of what I feel, and it never came to my mind about how my dad also feels. I am not the only one who lost my mom, also my dad. I feel so bad for I was too selfish.
I went home and called my dad.
"Dad, how are you?"
Vince: I'm fine, baby. I am on rest today. I went home every Friday months ago, but I failed to see you because you are with Andrew. I am happy for you. I love you, my Bea.
I started shaking and crying. I feel so bad that I don't even know why I came to be like this. So I decided to visit my dad.
"Dad, where are you? Can I be there? What do you want?"
"Baby, I'm sorry you are not allowed to see me."
"Dad, but why?"
-Call ended-
I am preparing myself. I need to see my dad. I went to the hospital where he worked, and then I found out that my dad is in danger. He is also affected by his patient's disease, which is the novel coronavirus week ago. I don't know what exactly I am feeling. It feels so hard to understand the happenings in my life. I went home crying. I don't know what to do. Life for me was so unfair. I am losing my mind, and still, I am trying to manage to calm myself. I called Andrew, but then he never answered my calls.
I texted and called my dad, but I don't get even a single response from him. I was so empty and consumed by sadness over and over again. Andrew also doesn't respond to my messages and calls, but I never mind it because maybe he is busy. And I am not only his priority. He also has a family that needs his presence as well.
I've been crying and feeling empty many times, but today is the hardest feeling ever. I am about to give up and let God do his ways. I am floating in sadness, and I don't want to face the sad reality. I was wondering why it happened to me. I was in a life that no one wishes to be me.
I was cleaning my room, and there I saw a plastic bag which is very familiar to me. It was like the plastic bag I've seen at my mom's grave. And I am not mistaken. I get the plastic bag and opened it. Then I saw my dad's handwritten letters for me. How thoughtful? I never think of it. And first, I read the pink paper that caught my attention.
My Bea,
Good day, my baby! I love you so much. Like many first dads, I never realized I could love someone so dearly. And, like many parents, I've always trying my best to give you everything you deserve. Though we may not talk about how much I love you, it doesn't mean you are less important to me. I might be subtle in expressing my love for you, but that doesn't mean I am not hurt when you are in pain. Sorry for I failed to save your mom but please know I did my best because both of you are my source of happiness and strength. Sorry for giving you less time because of my work. I've seen you struggle, it makes me sad too that I can't be a full-time dad for you. I need to work for our survival and your future when I am not around. I know someday, somehow, you will understand the role of being a parent. Bea, please thank Andrew for me because in him, you find the happiness I cannot give. Being your father was a very challenging role, but it makes me a real man and a responsible one. Please take care of yourself and always remember that I and your mom loves you so much. You are the greatest blessing I received that I will forever treasure. You are the best thing that ever happened. There is nothing I'd rather see than your smile/ and nothing I'd rather hear than your laughter. I am proud of the person you have become. And no matter what happens in your life, I have confidence in your ability to make the right choices. I love you forever baby, Bea.
Love,
Daddy Vince
Phone rings...
"Hello, who is this?"
"Is this Bea Diaz?"
"Yes, what can I do?"
"I am very sorry to inform you that we lost a hero, Dr. Vince Diaz is in God's loving arms today."
-The end-
