Useless. Stupid. Aggravating. The voices in your head never change.
And today, in the wake of Yuji's death, you find that they are louder than ever. All of you have been given the day off, but you take no pleasure in that. It's with the barest hint of a sigh that you join the other first years, seated on the steps leading up to the school. The silence grows thick, and the lump in your throat settles in your stomach.
Nobara breaks the quiet first, striking up a conversation with Megumi. The sound of their conversation is quiet, a background track grounding you to the present. You keep your eyes closed, but find that peace eludes you. You are no stranger to death, but now, with Yuji gone, you find that it's ripped open the wounds of grief you've been carrying. They are no longer the raging hot coal of acute pain, because scar tissue has built up around your heart over the years. But it's hard for you to accept that your new friend is gone – you still find yourself searching for him as you enter a room, expecting to find him waiting there for you.
"What the hell is this? You're more depressing than ever, Megumi." You open your eyes to behold dark hair, grass-coloured irises, sharply tapered eyebrows and a body straight like a board. An unfamiliar face, but since she's wearing the school uniform, you assume that she's a senior. "Is this a wake?"
"Zenin-senpai." Megumi nods in greeting.
A frown. "Don't call me by my family name –"
"Maki. Psstt. Maki!"
Your senior, now known to you as Maki, turns at the sound of her name. If you weren't so drained of your energy, you might have asked about the talking panda behind a tree, frantically waving a paw at her. The panda isn't alone – a boy is with him. His blue eyes are wide and expressive, his hair is a soft shade of spun gold, and his body is slim and small.
The panda, continues, sounding upset. "He really did die yesterday! A boy in the first year!"
"Say it earlier!" All the colour drains out of Maki's face. "You just made me look like a cold, heartless devil!"
The panda protests. "But you are!"
A nod. "Tuna-mayo."
A sharp pain in your chest feels like a steak knife. Closing your eyes once again, you feel the pull of sleep, of something darker and more permanent. You're swimming in an ocean much more powerful and strong than you could ever hope to be. You don't know why you keep fighting the currents when letting go has a certain comforting appeal.
"Mustard leaf?" A hand hesitantly shakes your shoulder.
You jerk, almost falling off the steps. "Excuse me?"
"He wants to know if you're okay." The panda says, fretting. "You don't look good."
"Fine. I'm fine." You say, even though you're anything but.
There's a pause, as if Nobara is trying to figure out what to say. "Who are those people?"
"They're our second-year seniors." Megumi's mouth twists wryly. "That's Zenin-senpai. She's the best at handling charms, out of us students. A specialist in spells, he's Inumaki-senpai. His only vocabulary is onigiri ingredients. And that's Panda-senpai. There's one more, Okkotsu-senpai. He's the only one I can openly respect, but he's overseas currently."
Panda clasps his paws together. "Sorry guys. I know you're still in mourning, but I'd like you to attend the Kyoto Sister School Exchange."
"What's that?" You're glad that Nobara is asking the questions so that you don't have to; it's almost as if all your energy has been drained from answering Inumaki's question, leaving you a lifeless shell.
Megumi blows out a harsh breath. "It's a joint programme with the other magic technical college in Kyoto. But the event is mainly for the second and third years, right?"
"Those third-year halfwits are suspended from school. We don't have enough people, so you guys gotta go!" Maki narrows her eyes, peeved and determined.
Useless. Stupid. Aggravating. You want to open your mouth, to tell her that you won't be of any use to them in a real battle, but as always, you shrink deep inside of yourself and force the words to the back of your mind.
"What do you do during the programme?"
"Well, the types of matches proposed by each school principal will be given one day each. The event is carried out over two days. That's the official consensus. Every year, the first day is a team match and the second one is an individual match."
"Wait, so we're gonna fight each other?!"
Maki's answering smile is tinged with excitement. "Yeah. It's a sorcery battle, where anything that isn't killing goes!"
Anything that isn't –
Your expression must betray your fear, your hesitation, for Panda raises an eager paw. "On the defence end, I'll train you to the bone so that you don't get killed!"
I can't die, you think again, the words welling up on the tip of your tongue. You open your mouth but can force none of the truth out.
"You're gonna do it, right?" Maki's open expression is confident, if a bit mischievous. "Your comrade got killed, after all."
"I'll do it!"
Quickly, Nobara and Megumi both reply in unison. Their eyes are both hard, the image of Yuji no doubt imprinted onto the back of their eyelids. You can only manage to nod, past the painful lump now taking root in your throat.
