Growing Apart

"How can you be with him?"

Like what hadn't happened in a long time, the two women spent the entire day together. Watching movies and talking nonsense. Maura missed this.

When the doctor came back home with their dinner, she found Jane asleep, laying on the couch. She put the food on the fridge and sat by her side, barely touching her. She pulled the blanket above the detective's shoulders and tucked her in. Doing it made her feel happy and somehow sad all at once. Jane looked so tranquil and buried in her dreams that she couldn't dare to wake her. She loved to see her friend this way—vulnerable without toughening herself up to make it through the day. Maura carefully took a strand of wavy dark hair from her face and placed it behind her ear, then she laid her hand on her shoulder, admiring her. She was the most beautiful person she had ever seen. How could someone be this perfect? With a heart like hers and her looks, she could have anyone she wanted. The fact that she didn't even realize it made her even more precious. The doctor smiled to herself, suddenly, not feeling hungry anymore. She would do anything for this woman. Anything. Whatever she needed, she would give it to her, even if that meant she had to give her space. She couldn't dare to make the slightest mistake and have her out of her life forever. That's why she never did nor would allow her feelings to run freely and why she never acted on them. Maura was high maintenance, and she knew it. Even if her friend weren't straight, she would've never like someone like her. She was too awkward for her—too high class and too strict—too everything Jane wouldn't want in a partner.

Maura felt her, beneath her hand, twitching.

J: "Maura..."

M: "Sorry, I didn't mean to wake you up."

Jane placed her hand on the doctor's knee and held her hand, gently stroking it.

J: "I never asked you. How have you been doing?"

M: "Good"

J: "You...You were so excited about the baby."

M: "Jane. You lost the baby, not me."

J: "But you did. You were so happy...You even started renovating the guest room and made me that big ass folder about kid's development through the first months and years."

Maura glanced down, trying to hold her tears back. She had made so many plans for the three of them. The news broke her in pieces, but she never told anyone. Jane was the one needing support and affection, not her.

J: "I never told anyone this, but Casey knew."

M: "What?"

J: "I didn't want the baby to change anything between us, but he had the right to know. I told you I wasn't ready to tell him because I didn't want you to worry about me."

M: "What did he tell you?"

J: "That I had to marry him. Otherwise, I would be on my own."

M: "Jane...How can you be with him?"

J: "I want a family."

M: "You don't need him for it. You didn't need the first time; you don't need him now."

J: "I don't wanna have a child without a father."

M: "You have all of us here to help you. You'll never be by yourself."

J: "I know, but I want my kids to have two parents at home."

Maura slowly removed Jane's hand from her and stopped touching her.

M: "I'm going to eat. Do you want something?"

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J: "Maura don't be silly."

Jane sat on the doctor's bed and stared at her. Maura didn't want her to stay in the guest bedroom because of the baby's bed still being there. Although she donated and archived most of the stuff, she bought with Angela, for some reason she couldn't do it with the cradle, probably because she chose it by herself.

Jane thanked her for staying in her bedroom. What she wasn't expecting was for the doctor not wanting to stay with her.

M: "I'll see you tomorrow morning."

J: "Maura..."

The detective held her hand and led her to the bed. At that point, Maura wasn't strong enough to leave. So, a few minutes after they were laying next to each other.

J: "So, tell me, what's the deal with that, Wendy."

M: "It's really nothing."

J: "But you have history. What happened?"

M: "What always happens."

J: "Explain."

M: "You know how I am. She's attractive; we hung out; she wanted more; I didn't."

J: "Why not?"

M: "It would've been a waste of time. She's not what I'm looking for."

J: "What exactly are you looking for?"

M: "Definitely, not her."

J: "You could at least give the poor girl a chance."

M: "Not gonna happen. And I don't want to hurt her even more."

J: "If you don't try, you won't really know."

M: "Why are you pushing me on this?! I don't like her, and that's it!"

J: "Maur...it's just...you have so many high standards! If the girl likes you give her a chance. It might actually work out!"

M. "Oh! Like you and Casey?!"

Maura lost it. She rarely got frustrated, to the point she would fire back at other people, but it just happened. The conversation got into her nerves. To be honest, she didn't even know exactly what she was feeling at that point.

J: "I-I think I should go."

M: "Jane, I'm sorry."

J: "I'll see you on Monday."

Jane stood up and left without barely looking at her. The doctor hated herself at that moment. She covered her eyes with her hands and took a deep breath. Fuck.