He knows how hard I am to deal with he doesnt want to be with me. He had to deal with my jealousy, and my insecurities which is a big job to deal with. He had to deal with my friends convincing me there was somthing going on with his ex girlfriend, that he actually did love, but she hurt him way to much to deal with. He was with me for long enough for him to get tired of me, just like the guys before him and even the one after him. Or maybe he hasnt had enough of me? Apparently we have "the look" whatever that means... I just want things to be good like they were at the beginning of our relationship. When we were happy being together.
He used to make me so very happy. His kiss was the best thing I have ever felt on my lips, and his hugs made me go a little weak in the knees. He was that one guy that from the first day I had met him I wanted to date him, and I finally got my chance.
He broke my heart. In the one relationship I had without him I still felt it. I wanted him. I had this fear of telling the next guy I loved him because we didnt before and when I did finally tell him it was far to late. He let his feelings fade away because what we had wasnt what he was looking for. He needed somthing further, somthing that I couldve given him if he wouldve ever gave me the chance to. I couldve given him those conversations he was searching for if he wouldve told me sooner, if he wouldve given me the chance to be what he needed me to be. He didnt fight for us like I did.
Im not someone that has people fight for them. Not just fight someone else for me but they never fight me to keep me. I know that I am alot to deal with and no one ever sees how worth it I am. Maybe thats because Im not worth it? Maybe I dont have the lasting factor? No one ever stays with me and they always have different reasons for not wanting to so its not just one thing. I have too many issues for them to deal with.
I just miss him so much. The last week I got to spend with him was really nice. Things being as nice as they were, that doesnt mean that I wouldve played those stupid tricks on him. Girls seem to like to lie to guys to try and keep them, I find this very unfair. If they dont want to be with you, your lies arent going to make them want to anymore than they did. They would only stay because they are obligated to stay, they dont just magically love you, your lies would make them run even further away.
This is all about him tho, everything I want is him. I want someone who smells so good naturally no artifical smells. Someone who knows exactly what it is that I like, and does it perfectly just to tease me.
It was the way you would tap on my window just to give me a hug before you hung out with your other friends in town. It was the look of your teeth when I would peak when we kissed. It was the way you would wake up with me being just a little to far away from you for your liking and you would pull me back against you tightly.
I was in love with you. I fell apart in front of you the night that you told me that we probably werent going to make it much longer. You held me and told me how you were going to try, that things were going to be okay, that there was just things that were missing for you. I so badly wanted to fill in your missing pieces, I wanted you to understand that I thought you were worth fighting for and I wanted to fill in the missing pieces for you. You didnt want to wait for me to beable to do that...
You didnt want to wait for me to catch up on the missing parts and get the knowledge I needed, whats funny is here I am now months later, thinking to myself if you were to ask me to wait for you I would, even if that ment physically waiting for you to come back home. I would wait for you if it ment getting to have you again but you wouldnt wait for me when you had me.
I was very unhappy at the end of being in a relationship with you. I felt extremely empty the last few months dating you, there were so many things missing for me just like they were for you. You left me acheing for more from you.I still remember the day very clearly that you told me that you didnt see us lasting, my wanting to fight the tears that kept coming, the pathetic feeling of not wanting you to leave that night, the way after you left I laid in the spot you laid in trying to feel your warmth but it was already cold.
The difference between what we were missing was that I wanted to be everything you missed, I wanted to fill your missing piece, but you were the cause of mine. You were everything I ever wanted, and you slowly took pieces away, slowly put spaces between us, making spaces that didnt ever have to be there. You gave up on me, way before I was able to notice.
The day you told me we probably wouldnt make it much longer was the beginning to all of my emtpiness. That day broke my heart and you were kind enough to hold me and wipe away my tears, and I let you. I dont let people see me cry, I dont want to be weak, I dont want people to feel sorry for me but there was just somthing about you that made my falling completely apart infront of you okay. You went to sleep and I curled up on your chest and continued to cry, never have I felt more pathetic in my life, but I just wanted to feel the warmth of you again, the energy that radiated from you. I didnt feel it, I walked you to the door the next morning and after you left I ran to my bed to try and soak up the warmth that your body wouldve left, but there wasnt warmth there either. Empty coldness was what you left me with.
I so badly want to just stop feeling things for you, just so that I can stop feeling so emtpy. I was feeling like things were actually finished between us, I thought we were going to be okay justbeing friends but a party at your house ruined that for me. Everything you said I instantly tuned my ears to hear, no matter what I was doing I was aware of you. Then before you left you talked to me about how you were just really wanting to have someone to cuddle with, your cuddles were always the best, I figured since you were telling me about it that you were hinting towards cuddling with me so I told you were could cuddle when we hung out.
