Me Llamo Tokio (My Name Is Tokyo) - A Money Heist Prequel

Chapter 8 - The Road

The images are passing fast before my eyes. Juan laying down in a pool of blood in the middle of the hallway, my hands almost dialing the emergency number while he was waiting for me to help him, his wound, our breakfast, Sancho entering through the window, then his body falling down after I pulled the trigger, the packing, the cops, the run. These are the images that haven't let me sleep the entire night while Juan was driving my old car.

When I moved to Barcelona, right after I left my mother's house, I never imagined I'll be so happy to leave the city that I called home for so many years. But here I am, driving away from here, with a criminal that I met two days ago. I swear to God that I've never been so happy in my entire life.
The moment when we crossed the street last night, I felt like I was crossing a bridge, leaving my old life behind. But nothing compares with what I'm feeling now. Probably the best picture that I have in mind is a bird set free, because this is exactly how I perceived the moment when Juan let go of my hand and I handed him my car's keys — like I was giving him the keys to my cage. When we drove away from my street and I took one last look at my apartment's windows, I haven't felt any pain or any guilt that I was leaving the life that I tried so hard to achieve. Instead, I felt happy because for the first time, I was doing something that my heart told me it's good and not my mind.
"Where to?" I asked him.
"Far away from here." Juan laughed.

Later on I found out where we're going. At a five hours drive from here, to a city on the Atlantic coast of Spain closer to San Sebastián. I've never been there, and I was really excited for this trip.
This is not a vacation, I try to repeat myself for the millionth time today, but I just couldn't find a good reason to think it's not. Ever since we left, Juan was having the radio on, desperately listening to find out if they're looking for us or not, but so far no one was interested.
"Can you relax a bit?" I ask him. "It's 4 am, I don't think they'll say anything about us till the morning."
"You never know." he replies sharp.
I'm too exhausted to start a fight with him right now, so I just shut up and look on the window.
Outside, the sun was daringly trying to pierce the night sky. The rays were creating tiny holes through the clouds, making the fields look like they were bathing in light. I sigh, as I realize I've never truly enjoyed a sunrise because, till now, my life was only made of sunsets.
"You should eat something." Juan says looking at the road.
"I'm not hungry."
I don't want to look at him, I prefer to keep my gaze focused on the sunrise devouring the night sky.
"You'll have to try." he says, still not looking at me.
"No, thanks." I reply acid.
Ever since we left, he was like this. Silent. Talking to me only with short phrases and never bothering to give me too many explanations about what are we going to do next.
"What's with you?" he asks and for the first time he's looking at me.
"Are you serious, Juan? What's with me?" I say angrily. "You're the one suddenly acting all so silent and you're asking me?"
He looks at the road and all I see is confusion. Why men are always so confused all the damn time? Probably, I'll never find out and I'll have to deal with this.
"Because I'm a human being, Silene. I have feelings too. And you're not gonna like it, but I feel guilty for implying you in this mess." he says after a while.
I hit my head by the window, making exasperated sounds. I have no idea how many times I have to tell Juan that it's not his fault. I guess many, as it seems like his brain can't process a simple concept.
"Silene." he's almost laughing. "This car barely works, stop hitting your head on the window, I'm afraid you might break it."
"What?" I reply trying hard to keep myself from smiling. "My head? The window?"
"Both." he says laughing.
"Look Juan, I'd really like to do like in movies, and look you in the eyes while I'm telling that the best thing that happened in my life is you, but you're driving for fucks' sake." but my line was as dead as my hopes.
He can't stop laughing.
"Every time you say that, I feel like I'm a burden to you." I continue. "Just tell me that you don't want me to be here, and leave me at the first gas station."
"First of all, it's your car. I can't just throw you out of it." he says while grabbing tighter onto the wheel.
I think he's afraid of what might come, but, instead, I remain calm.
"Weren't you a thief the last time I checked?" I ask.
"Not with this car." he says, trying not laugh.
"Oh, come on. It's not that bad." I say punching him in the shoulder.
"Okay, okay, I get it." he says, his tone getting serious. "I'm sorry, it's not that I don't want you here. To be completely honest with you, it makes me happy that you're here. I'm sorry I made you feel like that. I'll try to get over the blaming myself part. It'll take a while, but I promise you I'll be over it at some point."
"I know the self blame episodes." I say. "I had them too, for a lot of things that I haven't done. I get how it is, but trust me you haven't done anything wrong to me, you haven't ruined my life, you just helped me get out of a vicious circle. You're really helping me be myself right now, please don't blame yourself for doing something good."
"Maybe with you I did something good. But I can't say the same about others." I can feel the sadness in his voice.
"With whom?" I can't stop myself from asking.
"Remember the guy who died that I told you about?" he asks.
"Yes, your friend, right?"
"My childhood friend." he says sadly. "He came after me to convince me to get back home, but instead he was caught up right in the middle of a robbery and things went out of control. He shot one cop while trying to save me. Unfortunately, they were able to recognize him, and in a few days he was sought by everyone in the area. So, he had to come with us. Basically, he died years later, after joining the gang, because he wanted to save me back then."
I don't know what to say. He's somehow right, but I can't tell him that, so I prefer to say the opposite.
"It's not your fault. It was his choice to come."
"Maybe, but when you helped me, it wasn't your choice. I threatened you, Silene. Don't try to tell me it wasn't your choice."
"You have to understand that, sometimes, you can't really decide for others. You threatened me. So what? Don't talk to me like you forced me to do everything, because you don't know the full truth."
He looks at me for a few seconds before moving his eyes on the road, but it was enough to see a pinch of fear in his eyes.
"I don't want any secrets between us." I say. "So, now I'll tell you what a bitch I was."
He's silent.
"While you were in the living room, and you asked me to gather the things to take care of your wound, I was about to call the police. I stopped when you called me. I realized what a stupid shit I was about to do. I'm sorry for it now, but then I was just a stupid girl."
"You were entitled to." he says with a sad smile, surely remarking the allusion to what he told Sancho about me. "And you were entitled to do it because I threatened you. I forced you to help me."
"No, here you're wrong. I would've helped you even if you wouldn't have threatened me. I would've called at the hospital even if you would've been a completely peaceful stranger. As you said, Juan, you are a human being, and back then you were a human being who was almost dying."
"Thank you." he says. "You're very kind."
"I'm not." I reply.
"You're in denial."
"I'm not."
He's laughing and I'm glad to see him happy.
I stretch myself out to grab his backpack from the backseat. After a few seconds of digging through all kind of stuff, I manage to find a chocolate bar. I throw the backpack in the back and open the bar. The taste of dark chocolate hitting my mouth feels incredibly refreshing, almost like drinking a cup of coffee.
I feel him looking at me with the corner of his eyes.
"What?" I look at him, who's immediately looking at the road, trying to avoid the fact that he was caught. "I'm doing what you said, I'm eating. Maybe you'll start doing this too and stop blaming yourself for stuff that are others' decisions. How about this?"
"You're relentless." he laughs. "I promised you already."
"Alright." I reply with my mouth full of chocolate. "You want some?"
"No, I'm not hungry."
"So for you this lame excuse works?" I say raising an eyebrow. "Take this until I change my mind about listening to you in the future."
I put a piece of chocolate in his open palm. He eats it, probably thinking that it wasn't such a good idea to turn me against him from the start.
Outside the sun was already up and a dude was yelling at the radio about this beautiful morning without any rain or wind.
"Exactly how a day in July should be, you dumbass." I reply to the weather guy.
Juan laughs.
"Can we change it?" I almost beg him. "We're listening to the news channel ever since we left Barcelona."
"And you're not interested in finding out the latest weather updates?" he jokes.
"Come on, Juan. Just a few minutes." I put on the cutest face I have, and believe me when I say I don't have too many. "Please."
"Okay, but just a few minutes."
"Yay!" I say really enthusiastic, while my fingers are moving fast on the radio, desperate to stop listening to that annoying guy's voice. "Let's see what we got."
Since we were in the middle of the countryside, not much, but after a few failed attempts I finally manage to find a decent channel with 80s music. In a few seconds, Juan is already whispering the lyrics.
"You know it?" I asked surprised.
"I love the 80s." he replies with a shy smile.
I can't stop myself from laughing.
"A criminal who loves the 80s. That's the biggest controversy I've ever heard."
"There were criminals in the 80s too." he says still smiling. "Like Ted Bundy, you know."
"Mhmm." I say.
"Don't you think they were listening to music too?"
"Maybe." I laugh as I never thought about that before.
I liked his humor. He was mostly serious and sometimes saying something that was partly joke, partly irony was a big turn on for me. We haven't spent too much time together, but I stayed enough with him to figure out he was really my type. And that rare one. The ones you find like one in a million and you ask yourself what have you done to deserve such a great guy. I only had a few like this and they all left the next morning after they visited my bed. Apparently, this one wasn't leaving too soon and he was taking me with him instead. And, also he said he's happy that I'm here with him. I feel like I'm dreaming, because never ever in my life so many good things happened in a row.
A new song was about to start and I remembered that I said I'll only leave this channel on for a few minutes. If I wanted to get a break from the news from time to time, I have to show him I'm responsible.
"No, let it." he says.
I take my hand off of the radio. "Sweet Child O'Mine" is playing. I love this song and apparently he likes it too since his hand is on the radio, turning it up.
"You like Guns N' Roses?" I almost yell over the song.
"Yes, they're one of my favorites."
"Mine too."
He smiles at me and I feel like he deserves a smile back too. A criminal with good tastes in music isn't something to drop out.
After this song ends, Juan turns down the volume. He's not switching on the news and I appreciate that.
"Try to rest, Silene. I'll wake you up when we'll be almost there." he tells me.
Even if I ate that chocolate, I can't say that my tiredness went away completely.
"I can't sleep. I guess it's the adrenaline or something, but I can't fall asleep."
"I know the feeling." he says. "You'll have to try to fight it. You'll feel like this for days. I have to fight it even now sometimes. Another thing that's part of this life is to learn to adapt your sleeping schedule. From now on, you won't really sleep when you're sleepy, but when we'll have a free moment to do it. Right now is the freest moment we'll have in a long time."
"Alright. I'll try." I say and take off my hoodie, ready to use it as a pillow.
All the makeup things that I've stashed in last night are making noise in there and Juan looks at me.
"What's in there?" he asks raising an eyebrow. "I wanted to ask about it ever since last night. You were sounding like a Christmas bell while you were sneaking out though the garden. Trying to be silent, of course."
I feel how my cheeks turn red instantly.
"Nothing." I reply, trying to mask the huge bumps coming out of the pockets.
"Silene?"
"Okay, okay." I say looking down. "I took some stuff from the bathroom before you came."
"Stuff like?" I feel how he's hardly keeping his laugh.
"Makeup things..." I feel my face as red as a boiled lobster when Juan bursts into laughter.
"Oh my god!" he exclaims through laughs.
"They were necessary things. I could've gotten more." I say, trying to make this sound better when, in fact, I was only worsening the situation.
"I believe you." he's still laughing.
"Well, if I'll get caught, I wanna look good in my mugshot. Okay?"
He keeps on laughing, while looking on the road.
"You don't need those things, you know? For the mugshot I mean." he says after a while.
"Cause nothing can improve my boring face?" I say laughing.
"No, you look good even without them."
Well, that was a compliment that I don't know how to answer.
"Thanks." I whisper, and I'm glad he doesn't says anything.
Ignoring the clinking, I finally manage to arrange my hoodie in a position in which no lipstick or powder case will hit me in the face while I'm trying to sleep.
Until now, this entire situation was feeling rather like a vacation than a chase. The radio was playing a rock ballad in the background, outside it was the perfect weather, and finally my eyes were feeling too heavy to keep them open. As I'm emptying my mind before I fall asleep, there's one thing that can't leave my thoughts, the moment when he took my hand before we crossed the street.
I keep dreaming about it, and how our feet flew from the ground in the exact same time. How a tall guy like him and a short girl like me were synchronizing their steps while they were both running for freedom. There was no competition. Only balance and a perfect equilibrium, like our bodies suddenly decided to act like one.