Eternally Yours, Namjoon |knj + ksj| (eng)

Hurt...

Dear Seokjin,
I know that in your letter you told me not to but no matter how much I try, I still feel guilty for your death. I should've seen it coming, I should've noticed the signs, I should've seen the pain behind those beautiful eyes of yours. But I didn't and thought that everything was okay, when in fact, it was far from the truth. You were struggling and decided to end it.

Maybe if I noticed it, maybe if I showed that you can lean on me more, maybe we wouldn't be in this situation and now we would have already moved in together.

This guilt is constantly eating me up and maybe that's one of the reasons, why leaving you in my past is so hard.

I'm still not over the fact that you left me. It has been a year but for me, the time that you are not here anymore was much longer because it has been incredibly painful to cope with my demons alone without your support and care, especially when I need it the most.

Every breath I take is a waste when I cannot share it with you anymore. Every second spent, when I will never be able to see you again, is a nightmare I know I will never truly wake up from. Every dream of mine, every thought about a bright future left on the day you did.

There is a shard in my heart, which cannot be removed. The only person, who can do that, is the one, who put that piece of glass in me - you. The sharp object is pulling it apart and it physically hurts to breathe - my heart is shuttering every beat it does. 

The day you left, the colour disappeared from my days and sense from my life. You took my heart into your grave together with my happiness. The more blood dripped from your wrists, the less cheerful our memories became. The less breathes left your lips, the more sadness filled my lungs.

I don't know where to turn to, Seokjin. Your absence leaves me breathless every time I realize that I'll never see you again, never hold you again, never hear your laugh again. It wakes me up in the middle of the night and it goes to sleep with me in the evening. It's like a shadow I cannot lose, no matter if the sun is up in the sky or hidden behind the clouds.

Sometimes it disappears for a while and I'm able to laugh and smile again. But after some time it comes back to me, creeping at me from the darkness, filling me up with sadness I don't know if I can handle. Even a year after you left, I still did not come to terms with it and I am still learning to live without you.

Maybe one day, I will get over you. Maybe one day, I will wake up without you by my side and feel like there is nothing missing. Maybe one day, I won't miss you to the point, where it is hard to breathe. But for now, I still hope that this is only a very bad dream and that I will wake up in your arms tomorrow. And every morning it doesn't happen, my heart breaks all over again.

I hope you are happy. I hope you found peace. I hope you are not in pain anymore. I'm sure you're not; you passed it down onto me.

But I am fighting. I am broken, sad, miserable, devastated and torn but I am fighting and I will continue to do so because that is what you would have wanted. You would have wanted me to live and be happy. ...Right?

I know we will meet again one day and we will spend eternity together like we promised each other and I cannot wait for that. But for now, I am going to live for you.

For your precious soul and supportive smile, for your kind heart and gorgeous but sad eyes and for your never-ending love and a beautiful mind.

The best and the worst thing that has ever happened to me was meeting you because losing you is the greatest pain, I have ever felt but the moments I got to spend with you are the ones I'm the most grateful for.

Remember, my heart is forever yours.

I love you, Seokjin.
Eternally yours,
Namjoon

Hi guys!
Thank you so much for reading. I hope you enjoyed this book 😊

Please, check out my other works. If you'd like to read a similar but different version of this story, you'll enjoy Eternally Yours, Taehyung but if Taekook is not for you, then please, check my other Namjin book called Ours. I also have a compilation of one-shots (both Namjin and other bxb BTS couples), which you can also find on my profile.

This is in no way encouraging suicide, please, if you struggle, seek help. You're loved and you matter.

All your votes and comments are appreciated. Love you, guys ❤

FerKie 👋