All For You [New Girl]

13. Squeeze Bottle

"No offense, but are you guys sure you can pull off a Thanksgiving dinner?" Claire asked the day before. It nearing noon.

"Of course we can!" Jess said.

"I only ask because... Well, because I've met you guys."

"She's got a point," Nick interjected.

"Didn't the turkey explode one time?"

"It caught on fire, actually. In the dryer."

"Why would you put a turkey in the dryer?"

"The point is," Jess asserted, "this year is going be great. I made papier-mâché cornucopias for napkin holders."

"What about the food?" Winston asked. He had a one-track mind when it came to Thanksgiving. And with good reason, too. He'd oft spent the entire day being thwarted an actual meal.

"Schmidt?" Jess asked, handing over the floor.

"We'll have a beautiful dinner. Don't worry about it." He made a vague gesture with one hand, occupied by his phone.

"Who are you texting?" Claire asked. He was looking at his cell phone like it might suddenly transform into a stack of hundred dollar bills.

"Models. Lots of models. I'm inviting them over for dinner."

"Schmidt, what happened to '4D only?'" Nick groaned, "I just want to eat, drink, and watch football."

"You should have thought about that before you invited Claire's Business Ken doll."

"Hey," Claire objected half-heartedly. She thought it was kind of funny. Plus, Schmidt had a point. Nick's invitation had come out of the blue. Claire was still half-convinced he was up to something.

"Schmidt, we're supposed to sit down as a family," Jess said, flashing her doe eyes.

"This is my ideal family. Twenty hot models eating mashed potatoes in slow motion." Everyone else groaned as he acted it out in-depth.

"Gross," Nick said, shaking his head.

"Five dollars that Schmidt gets food thrown at him by a Russian woman who weighs less than the turkey," Claire said.

"I'll take that," Nick said.

"Do you need anything besides dessert?" Claire asked, switching topic abruptly, "I have to go to the grocery store anyway."

"Yes," Schmidt, "Shallots."

"Like, onions?"

"Shallots."

"What's the difference?"

"Claire, were you raised in an innercity zoo?"

"I'll go with you," Nick said, "I have to get something."

"Okay, but you have to wait for me to walk down the stairs."

"Why? Just take the elevator."

"I don't trust that thing anymore. Every time I get on it it makes a weird noise like it's plotting my death."

"No, it doesn't. We were on it together yesterday."

"It only does it when I'm alone. But it could still trap both of us for the rest of time."

"Oh, that sound? You know what that is?"

"What?"

"Paranoia."

"Paranoia! I was trapped for six hours!"

"Can you two just leave already?" Schmidt asked, eyes back on his phone, "I need my shallots."