Lost and Found

Claustrophobic

I went back up the stairs to my room and sat down on the bed. I slowly realized I had nothing to do. No job, no schoolwork, no nothing. It felt weird. I hadn't had a moment of time to just do whatever since I was probably 12 or 13 years old.

As I stood up from the bed, I felt my ribs shift and bit my lip to keep from crying out. They were still tender from the events of a few weeks before. Lately, I had been too busy to notice and the pain was manageable, unless I moved around a lot.

I slowly lifted my shirt up and looked down at my ribs. The bruise going all the way down my side was still pretty dark, but it seemed to be healing decently, at least according to the internet. I didn't know how bad the break actually was, because I clearly didn't have access to an x-ray, but I didn't feel a lot of stabbing pain so I assumed it was fine. My fist, that I had used to punch the guy, was healing as well. I used a bit of makeup to cover up the faint bruising so no one would notice. I just had to make sure It didn't come off when I washed my hands. Overall, I'd had worse injuries in my life so I tried not to make a big deal about it.

I heard someone walking down the hallway outside my bedroom door, so I quickly pulled my shirt down, sat down gently on the bed, and acted like I was doing something important on my phone. It hadn't been long enough living there to differentiate the sound of each of their footsteps, so I had no idea who it could be. Maybe Lorenzo? To try to get an answer out of me?

Suddenly, Nick wandered into my room, and practically threw himself into the beanbag in the corner and heaved a loud sigh. As I pretended to play on my phone, I wondered why they sent Nick. He was probably the least intimidating by far. I realized only after a moment that they thought that since I was his twin, and because we'd bonded the most so far, I would confide my secrets in him. They must have thought they were slick... but apparently not as slick as me. "Hey." I said to Nick casually. He looked up at me and showed his goofy grin.

Hey! Whatcha doin'?" He asked casually. He sat up in his beanbag chair and looked at me with a curious expression. I genuinely couldn't tell if he was being thoughtful, or if he had been put up to something by the boys. I didn't want to be rude either way though, because he had been the nicest to me since I'd gotten here.

I put my phone down and said sarcastically, "Playing cards", with a smirk. He snickered, got up from his spot on the chair, walked over to me and pulled me by my arm up from the bed.

"Come on, let's go to my room, it's better." I let him drag me by the arm all the way down the hall to his room. My jaw dropped as we went in. He was right, it was definitely cooler than my room. It was huge, for one thing, and It had a couch sitting in front of a tv in the corner. There were led lights lining the top of the wall around the perimeter, and there were countless band posters covering the walls. I noticed an acoustic guitar on the wall so I went to take it off the hook, but he stopped me. "Oh, hey, be careful."

He took it down from the wall and he must have thought I wanted for him to play it for me. "Can I see it?" I asked. He nodded and handed it to me. I took it and immediately felt a rush of serotonin because I hadn't gotten a chance to play in so long. I sat down on the couch.

I began to strum a few chords, then I proceeded to play a song. I played a few songs and Nick looked impressed. Suddenly, Alex walked in, "Hey man, that sounds pretty good, but I thought you were going to talk to-" He paused when he saw me sitting on the other side of Nick, guitar in arms. I was surprised that he was talking to Nick, after how he'd acted the day before, so I wondered when they had made up.

His words about Nick "talking to someone" only confirmed my theory that they had put him up to getting information about what happened from me. "Oh... That was you playing?" He asked. I nodded and he leaned against the wall, with his arms folded across his chest.

"Yeah, I've played since I was little." I answered. He nodded, and things got awkward fast. What do you talk about to your brother you never knew about? Nick was an exception, as we seemed to have quite a lot in common, and we were twins. Alex was different. He had a different aura, a different manner. He didn't seem to be a super chatty guy either, which didn't help.

I tried to think of something to keep him talking. I noticed a chain around his neck. "What is your necklace?" I asked. He seemed a bit surprised that I continued talking to him. Maybe it was because he remembered how he'd acted toward Nick and I the day before. His hands went to the chain around his neck, and he pulled it up over his head.

He walked over to the couch and sat down. He tossed the chain necklace to me and I caught it easily. I studied it for only a moment before I noticed the symbol on it. "Oh my god." I whispered.

"What?" Alex asked impatiently. I reached down and pulled the end of my necklace out from under my shirt and lifted it over my head. I handed it to Alex and Nick, who were still confused.

"The symbol is the same." I said. Nick pulled a similar one to Alex's over his head that had been covered by his shirt. I hadn't noticed it before.

"Yeah we all have one. The symbol is for family." He said, like it was the most obvious thing in the world. It made me think of my mom and all that she had kept from me, the childhood that she had stolen from me.

I was angry. Angry at my mom, for letting me be alone for so long. I was also angry at myself. Why did I ever kill them and put myself through all of this? All I had been able to think of the past two and a half weeks were the men I killed. It seemed like I saw their dead lifeless eyes all the time, even when I was awake.

All I wanted was a break from all of it- the repetitive nightmares that made me afraid to go to sleep most nights, the constant visions of those men, grieving my mom, the list was endless and I felt suffocated, trapped, claustrophobic. It felt like walls on all sides were slowly closing in on me and there was no escape.

My thoughts were all it took for me to break down. Everything was hitting me at once and I couldn't take it anymore. I looked through the blurry, thick wall of tears in my eyes to see Alex and Nick watching me warily. I started to cry in front of them and I was too overwhelmed with grief and guilt to even feel embarrassed about it. I didn't even care at that moment that they could hate me for killing two people, because I knew that it would absolutely eat me alive if I held it in.

They both reached their arms around my shoulders and hugged me. It didn't seem natural for them, but it helped nonetheless. Alex must have noticed I was struggling to breathe so he rubbed my back and with his hand, pulled my head against his chest. "Take some deep breaths for me Lizzie." He said softly to me.

I savored the moment of peace for just a second before I pulled away and whispered, "I need to tell you something." Alex and Nick looked at eachother, and then looked at me. They then nodded and embraced me again.