Now What ?

Chapter 7

This week back at school has literally been a huge anxiety factor. Our school isn't changing much about the sanitary protocol changes.

Masks are mandatory like social distances but the social distance can hardly be respected in such small classes.

I have a lot of tests this week and a lot of work to do when i am back at home. I am only one person and it's so hard to handle all of this.

Logan has classes online, so he stays at his parents, which is actually better for him, he has a garden, fields and place to breath instead of staying in a small condo in the middle of Tours.

I trust a little less Logan since he didn't tell me things right now and it's not getting better.

I ask him if he's up for a call he said sure but that he'll not be free later on.

So of course I feel bad, it's not just a gut feeling, it's so many factors making it so that I know that he's not only taking me for granted but he's as well getting less and less interested. LIke some people would say it's just the comfortable phase of the couple, but I miss the awkward and 4 hours phone calls phase of the relationship.

All of this is making me really sad and upset. I wish he would tell me his feelings, or at least develop a little his sentences. I am tired of always making the first move. I am tired of being the only one working like a dog to keep this relationship going.

I wish I could tell him this but it is all just too unbearable to face, because i know deep down that he won't give an answer, he'll stay silent, not saying anything, making myself feel bad or he'll just find a reason to break up with me as soon as he can.

Now with this I get up for school with this lump in my throat determined to not be the first one to talk today.

At around 10 am in latin class he sends a few of his friends and I a snap that I don't bother replying to.

A few minutes later he sent me a goodmorning text, one to which I gladly responded just a hi, And so on for the day, I was not cold but not as normal hoping he'd notice which he didn't.

People say that you reap what you saw but i've given love, attention and care and all i've gotten so far is not much...

Are we still going to be together by April ? are we still going to be a real couple by then..

I don't want to change him, I just want him to act like When we weren't even a couple, like we were in may/June.

I know that he is just a guy, and that I shouldn't expect much, but for some time he brought me so much happiness and I felt like nothing could bring me down.

He was my rock. But now, he's the reason for my sadness and my times falling asleep wondering if I am enough or too much.

Is it my imagination or something I am taking ? fake smiling to him. It's like the change in the weather, you physically feel this problem and it not only physically hurts you but it deep down inside hurts. I wonder how for him everything is great. Most nights I hardly sleep.

Often I am upset, about this and the smallest kind of attention from him would make me a little bit more happy.

Is he tired of me ? I swear when I am ready i will do it. I will free myself from those chains.

Those bittersweet chains locking me in a happy/unhappy relationship. As I think about all this,laying down in my bed , listening to the playlist I made for us, I feel tears menacing to fall down. I have to keep inside, at least until I know no one can hear me. The walls around are closing on me, the lights are turning off.