I'm only 13

Valid- Chapter 1

This world is cruel. Nobody can convince me otherwise. I have spent thirteen years on this planet. Yet I only remember things after I turned six. Life is a beautiful lie. We are all so wrapped around the idea of living that we forget the painful truth of dying. Only some seek death. Those who do, know how living is a lie. They find the lie, therefore they must seek the truth. I have spent thirteen years living, and I already tired of this lie. Only thirteen. People may say, "Your are young, you know nothing of what is in the real world! How do you already want to leave it?" And I may not know what lies ahead of me, but what I do know is that I do not want live to see it. I know what people go through.

I am terrified to leave my home. I am terrified to leave my broken home. Broken? It doesn't seem like it's broken. I saw the family picture, you all seem so happy. But behind the picture they don't see, that there is an broken thirteen years old. With an abusive family.

No, not physical abuse. It took me time to realize, that physical abuse isn't the only type of abuse. There are others, such as verbal abuse and neglect. Some may say, "Neglect? That's not abuse!" But it is. Neglect is abuse. I have been neglected my whole life.

Please don't misunderstand me, I know what people go through. I know people go through much worse. Being physically beaten by the hands of their own parents. Being raped by their own parents.  I know that what I go through is nothing compared to them. I don't feel like I have a valid excuse to be scared, to be sad, to feel numb. I feel like I do deserve this. I feel like a spoiled brat.

I am truly grateful for what I have, when I know people out there have to go weeks without food. I am grateful that I have a roof over my head and that I get a full meal everyday. Because I know people out there are unfortunate to not have that.

I don't feel valid.

Every night I cry, I cry for many reasons.

I feel as if I was an replacement for my second brother. I feel like they wanted another son, but they got me instead. I apologize in my head every night to them, sorry for not being good enough.

My father's aunt couldn't have kids. She always wanted a kid, but the world was against her on having a baby. She was depressed. She always treated my father as her own and was always nice to him. My father swore that one day, he would give her his second child. My second brother was then given to her to treat him as her own. And she did so for the past 16 years. Then 3 years later they had me, a girl. I don't know fully if they wanted a girl, but sometimes it feels like they regret having me. As they should've stopped with my second brother. As my first brother is perfect.

I love my brother, he loves me. We don't have a normal relationship like other siblings. He is nice to me and I am nice to him. I tell him half of the things that go on in my life. If I told him everything, I fear he would stop loving me.

He is everything my parents wanted, while I am the odd one out.

My father and I get along more than me and my mom. But due to him being a truck driver, he is only home for two days, every two weeks. So I'm left with my mother.

She might try to hide the fact that my brother is her favorite, but I know. I try to be like him everyday, I try to get good grades, to be at the top of my class. But I can't, I'm not like him.

My parents, they're racist, homophobic, and transphobic. But that's all normal since they are religious Sikh people. I'm not saying that's all Sikh people. Because I am Sikh too. I'm listing saying that my parents are old-schooled. Believe everything they see on the internet.

Again, I'm nothing like them. I fear if they found out I was Bi-sexual they would kick me out.

My religion has many rules. Don't cut your hair. Don't eat meat. Those are the two most important rules. And for many generations, we would all have arranged marriages with the opposite sex. My parents had an arranged marriage.  Their marriage was worse then most arranged marriages. My mother didn't even know she was getting married until the day before her wedding.

I looked back through the pages of their wedding day, my mother looked sad, she had tears in most of her eyes. My father looked numb. But their marriage worked out, they love each other very much. And can't bear the thought of each other hurt.

But I don't want that. I want to be normal, I want to be able to experience love like other people. I don't want be single until my engagement with a random man. The future scares me more than people.

And that's saying something since I have Social anxiety.